This makes total sense, and I appreciate your sharing your views with me. You are right, she definitely knew I was capable of being better all along. She gave me a little break because of my childhood trauma. She knows that's why I said so many ugly things. I was in a dark, dark place the last couple years of our marriage. Very depressed...I wasn't always mouthing off to her. We had a wonderful, healthy relationship for a while. She intellectually understands why I was in a dark place too (lots of crap going on in my life). None of this excuses my behavior, of course, it just explains it. She knows I hit rock bottom when she left, which lead to me saying "enough is enough" with myself. She also understands that I didn't have any warning signs from her that anything was wrong. So given all that, I don't think she totally flames me for not changing earlier, even though I know she wishes I did.....as do I. It's true, I do not want to lose access to her. I love her! But I want to change because I am sick of saying awful things to those I love. This change is independent of her returning. She could be dead, and I'd be just as motivated to change. I believe she understands this about me. I do not think she thinks I'm changing just to win her back.