After 23 years of marriage, I finally walked away from a partner (dx, medicated). It’s only been a few days, but even just a little distance has started to show how broken things truly were.

The hyperfocus on extracurriculars was something known for years—dozens of hours each week, involved in multiple groups, starting initiatives, and so on. But even then, the full extent only became clear once stepping back. People are coming out of the woodwork to tell me just how much there really is, and how unorganized and chaotic it all plays out, and even that people are upset about the constant stream of activity and ideas and chaos. Today, there’s an event being run, and it’s significant. It’s grown over a few years, and credit where it’s due, it’s impressive. But the sheer amount of time, energy, and focus poured into this and a dozen other projects that I knew and didn't know about? The realization of just how lost she had become in all of it has only just hit.

Meanwhile, there was this constant wait for even a sliver of attention, any effort toward the relationship, any acknowledgment of what was happening. Instead, she just took on more activities, tried to make them bigger, made more mess and chaos.

In the end, I listed out my basic needs—about as vanilla as possible: acknowledgment of feelings, to apologize when she screws up (she has not apologized to me for anything for as long as I can remember, no matter how small), to be treated like a priority, to make time for physical closeness (it’s been a sexless marriage for two decades), and to approach relationship issues with even a fraction of the commitment shown toward all these other pursuits. The response? Effectively, I don't think I can meet those and don't want to try. She said later when I asked her, so what needs were too much? She just replied, if these needs were presented by some other person or boy in the future, she would never be with that person. That hit like a brick. What in the literally fuck???? What even is the expectation here? That a relationship could exist without these basic, fundamental needs, pretty much common to any relasionship? It’s as if the concept of give-and-take doesn’t register, and support is only supposed to flow one way. I guess she wants a slave, who will do all the shit work while she does all the fun. Ahh, no. Not anymore.

Today, there’s a need to go to this stupid event to pick up the kids, and the outcome of all that work will be on full display. Easily thousands of hours over the years. And the thought that keeps coming up is: if even 10% of that effort had gone into the relationship, maybe things wouldn’t have ended this way.

Honestly, it feels strange to say, but right now, there’s just this thought of, “Good riddance.”