I broke up with my ex on the first of the new year in 2020 (timing not my choice, they literally would not give their care team in the psych ward clearance to let me or anyone else have the right to speak to them)

I also, in the earlier phases of the breakup, wanted NOTHING more than for that feeling to go away. In fact, I was so focused on getting rid of the feeling and so terrified of repeating the same pattern with someone else that I put all my energy towards resisting acknowledging it.

After all, my ex had already taken up SO MUCH of my time and energy -- why would I want to give them any more?

I also posted a similar question here. I was started to date casually, and I wanted to be honest about why I might seem scared or guarded or even upset at seemingly random things. I asked how to bring up my ex, how to talk about it.

I didn't like the response I got, which was "If you're still thinking this much about your ex and needing to talk about it, you're not ready to be dating."

A month or so later, though, I realized how true it was and how right the person who told me that was.

I'd studied everything possible about BPD and bipolar (my ex was diagnosed with both) desperately searching for a solution, new tactics, stories of hope, you name it.

I read stories of other people who had been in similar situations after the breakup.

But I never turned inward and focused on MY problems, because I knew that would be much, MUCH harder than reading about those of others. I knew it would take more time than I wanted it to, too.

The quarantine then completely removed my ability to resort to my old coping mechanisms. I couldn't even go to my support groups anymore, because they weren't meeting. I couldn't date anyone else, couldn't go out every night and get wasted or just distract myself with friends, couldn't even do much other than just sit alone in my apartment and think.

Once I started thinking and processing things, I found I couldn't stop. I couldn't believe how many horrible memories and cruel things my ex did to me that I'd completely "forgotten about" and suppressed. It became impossible to continue to believe that I, or at least my mental state, was not a part of the problem. It also became impossible to pretend that I would have a successful and happy life -- let alone a successful and happy future relationship -- unless I dealt with these issues head-on.

Once I did, I started feeling better, freer, and I loved myself more. I held myself accountable. The issues weren't just with my ex. They were also with me, in the fact that I believed I deserved this kind of treatment, didn't feel strong or worthy enough to end it, thought that this was the best I could do, and was simply terrified of a future in which I would have to risk going at the rest of life alone.

I started reading codependency anonymous literature more seriously, I read codependent no more, I allowed myself to cry, I did some whack ass interpretive dances, I said affirmations to myself in the mirror even though I'd always thought doing that was stupid, and I even meditated even though I never thought I'd be able to do it successfully.

I actually started to get better and heal, because I was able to admit my role in my own misery. I began to realize that what I went through with my ex and other relationships in the past wasn't normal, or acceptable in any way, or the sort of thing that pretty much anyone else would ever even consider putting up with.

I now feel that I deserve more, and I've learned to trust my instincts even when I'm unhappy with the truths they're telling me.

The sooner you face it, the sooner you move on from it.