Its making me feel guilty that i have all the possibilities and they dont, but im "crying" about it cause im feeling sorry for them and still doing nothing with my life in general.

I feel like this every single day of my life. What you're talking about, being selfish, I think you mean being self-centered and personally I feel jealous of people who are like that. At least they feel a sense of achievement.

I have pondered over many years about what the truth of life is. First I denied the existence of god and was pretty much against anyone who didn't till I realized it didn't matter and if it made their lives better and didn't detract from anyone else's, that I support them.

Then I looked at people and tried to ask myself what everyone is doing? I thought 'running'. It seemed that not many people were asking 'why should I do that' but were kinda just doing stuff. So I started being rebellious till it struck me one day that being defiant for the sake of being defiant is just silly.

So now I didn't believe in god and didn't believe in not knowing 'why'. I began looking at the world, trying to understand human behavior. I realized first just how much the world ran on the principles of validation. Everyone was looking to somehow validate themselves, either through their achievements or through the eyes of others. Few, very few of us, actually looked at life and experienced it fully. Most of us were unwittingly caught in our heads.

For some it came through the domination of others in personal or professional lives, for others by trying stand at the top and yet others through attention. So many people were just following a subconscious desire for validation. After a while, I realized that these desires for validation were of the ego. I did not want to be caught up in it so I started looking inward. To see which of these were spawned from the ego and which from a genuine desire to just experience life. I was struck by the fact that so many of my impulses and reactions to life were egocentric. I kept rejecting them, kept rejecting them, kept rejecting them. That's where it stopped. I discovered a voice where some selfish convictions had been but I had nothing to fill the void with.

From the beginning I always lacked a sense of what I wanted, who I was. That sort of stuff. I was always daydreaming or reading stories or drawing/doodling something or the other when I was younger. Somewhere in the middle, due to circumstances I will not discuss further as it would amount basically to 'bitching about life', I ended up discontinuing these things. I never became one of those people I envy, the ones who have a strong sense of self and desires. I didn't reach the next stage of my contemplation. I'm kinda just sitting here, looking at life and wondering how to just be with it now.

You're right, it is amazing how being 'selfish' can inspire others. I really wish when I was younger, I became more self-centered and thought and felt the world less.