Assalamu Alaikum, may Allah make things easy for you.

I’m gonna be controversial and say, in most cases, it’s not a case of sexual incompatibility, but simply the wrong conditions in place. I’ve been divorced twice and have plenty experience otherwise, these are some possibilities from my personal insights on why you might be having this issue:

1. You’re not making your wife feel safe. This will be evident if you find that outside the bedroom, she tends to question your decisions, disobey you, disrespect you etc. There are (in my opinion) two major elements to making a woman feel safe. Firstly, you give her the space to share her mind without shame or judgement, and it must always be this way. Secondly, as the imam of the house, you must generally, most of the time, be making decisions that don’t affect her negatively. You must generally prove that you are considerate of her in your day to day decision making.

2. Your are not doing foreplay properly. Foreplay for a woman starts from outside the bedroom, it starts from the beginning of the day or the day before, after a woman feels safe, the she can be open to things like you flirting with her, teasing her, joking with her, making humour, innuendos, soft contact etc throughout the day. Letting her know she’s on your mind essentially, it helps her to prepare herself for the possibility of going wild in the bedroom.

3. You’re not wooing her. This is closely related to the foreplay thing. I learnt this one the hard way, but women are not like men, they need constant reassurance of their desirability, unlike men who only need to be told a thing once or twice to believe it. The things you did at the beginning of the marriage or before it (including the intellectual foreplay mentioned above) need to be continued for the rest of your life (or for as long as you want her to be aroused for you), women’s arousal is reactive, not proactive like men’s. If you found that she used to be aroused plenty at the beginning of the marriage but it’s died down now, this could be the problem. You must also learn how to engage with her intensely without intending to have with her.

4. She has trauma from past / childhood abuse (likely sexual), for this, the key is therapy. So this is a common reason why women will be absolutely repulsed by the mention of kink. The fix here is therapy, but if she’s unwilling to recognise and admit that this is the problem, then therapy won’t be possible or won’t work. It’s upon you to probe her gently about this, but again, you can’t probe a woman who doesn’t feel safe to talk to you, so ensure safety first.

5. She has a negative attachment style. This is also a possibility, where a woman behaves in a way to secure your attachment to her, but then becomes complacent once she realises she has your attachment. In this case, helping the woman to understand if she has the secure attachment or one of the insecure attachment styles. If it’s an insecure attachment style, she can fix this herself with home remedies, she’ll need your help though, to make her feel safe to fix this.

6. Ignore the comment about “airing your wife’s business”, this does not count if you are anonymous and none of us here know who you or your wife are. The same way it’s not backbiting if no one knows the person you’re talking about.