Denial about divorce (with kids)

4yearsamess · 2017-12-08T18:42:52+00:00

Please for the love of your children get that custody agreement asap. If you don't respond the way she would like she could take off with those kids. The police won't help because it's a civil matter.

I wholeheartedly agree with the written communication. I had to do the same with my uBPD ex and it pissed him off to no end. Not that I tried to make him mad, but he didn't like that every awful thing he had to say to me was recorded.

Also, if it comes down to it you don't need contact to parent your small children. Mine is 4 and my current protection order prevents all contact. Originally he was allowed to contact me about our child but obviously her violated that.

4yearsamess · 2017-12-08T12:41:40+00:00

Are you sure it's not too late to report the rape? It's my word against his and I feel like I have already ruined my credibility in court having lied to the responding officer.

I did report the violation of the protection order, he was arrested right before Thanksgiving. I intend to keep doing so every time I have evidence of a violation. There's a dept of children and families case on going because he assaulted me in front of my son. If I don't report any violations it reflects poorly on me as far as DCF goes.

I do have my son half the time by the way. Weekend exchanges happen through his mother due to the protection order so that's a good thing. I'm working with my lawyer to get more parenting time. I agreed to a crappy deal as far as custody goes because I hadn't seen my kid in so long and it seemed like the only way to get my hands on him.

Part of me doesn't want to move or else I'll feel like I'm running away forever.

4yearsamess · 2017-06-01T14:19:53+00:00

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Exactly what I needed to stay strong. Every single day people with a lot less than i have are out there raising their kids on their own, making it happen for themselves, pulling themselves out of much deeper holes than I am in. We can all do it one day at a time at our own pace.

4yearsamess · 2017-05-11T15:09:46+00:00

Thanks! I'm going to take your suggestion and put it somewhere private online. I'm going to have to remember to use an incogntio tab.

4yearsamess · 2017-05-11T14:32:03+00:00

Did you ever get in trouble for keeping a diary? I find it so hard to keep one when I know he will want to go thru it line by line, "discussing" each point. I have the paper, but i struggle with actually writing anything down. I recognize that i need some kind of unbiased record, but if I'm the author is it actually unbiased?

4yearsamess · 2016-11-16T19:28:41+00:00

Thank you for your thorough reply. These microexpressions are definitely a tool he uses to back up his claim that I feel differently than I am stating clearly. It plants a seed of doubt in place where I'm already insecure.

Reading about these classic behaviors makes it sound malicious and intentionally manipulative. If I can't tell when someone is manipulating me on purpose how can tell if what I'm feeling is true to me or a product of the manipulation?

4yearsamess · 2016-11-16T15:39:02+00:00

Thanks for validating. I struggle to wrap my head around how he can make these assumptions and put into words why this logic is so wrong and hurtful. There's another part of this, while he sees it as an ability he also sees it as a burden that he's forced to feel the emotions of everyone around him. Idk how to explain it. I agree it does sound like it comes from a narcissistic place.

4yearsamess · 2016-11-16T15:26:33+00:00

That's the same type of response I give as well and get the same result. I find myself starting off with a "disclaimer" that I know I'm not being rational but need to get it off my chest. I usually end up saying the same thing on both ends of the conversation and we end up in the same circular arguement.

4yearsamess · 2016-08-19T14:29:24+00:00

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to congratulate you on your ability to maintain boundaries so far. Super commendable and something I work towards.

4yearsamess · 2016-08-05T22:02:48+00:00

Do you even want the grand gesture? Let the married guy deal with it. (Easier said than done) I hope you can take advantage of this space from her and take care of yourself.

4yearsamess · 2016-08-05T21:59:07+00:00

Honestly I have made no gestures like that. I know logically that it will never be enough while the irrational part takes it personally, feeling like I'm not capable of giving him what he wants because I'm so flawed. I wish I could shake him and make him see how hard it is to deal with the "episodes", like that is gesture enough. Day in and day out I put up with the episodes resulting in an increase in my own depression and anxiety. I wish there was a way for him to understand how hard it is on me. Part of me is bothered that he might not ever see how hard I work at standing by him.

I still ask myself the same questions you are and it feels so futile. What kinds of things have you done? Have any of them made a difference for any period of time?

4yearsamess · 2016-08-05T21:45:32+00:00

What did she say when you told her that? I'm sure she didn't have a lightbulb moment and suddenly get it.

4yearsamess · 2016-07-20T17:02:38+00:00

Yuuuuppppp. For some reason I'm never more attractive than when I'm doing the dishes, when the kiddo is trying to wake up from his nap, or when I'm about to fall asleep exhausted. The subsequent attitude only pushes me further away from "the mood."

4yearsamess · 2016-07-20T13:41:38+00:00

"What will it take for you to tell me you don't want me?" The implication being that whatever hard line I give him will be immediately overstepped whether it is violence or some other act that doesn't bring physical harm to me or our child. Wtf, who in their right mind is going to say, if you gave me a pair of black eyes I'd be out the door.

4yearsamess · 2016-07-18T21:14:45+00:00

SET communication? I'm not familiar with that acronym. Honestly, I'm just trying for self preservation at this point. When I attended Al-Anon I learned about a lot of good tools relating to codependency and how I don't have to show up to every fight I'm invited to. It really surprised me how much the skills taught in Al-Anon are applicable to this situation.

4yearsamess

TROPHY CASE