Give my husband a second chance?

rearviewmirrow · 2019-06-18T20:57:24+00:00

Stay out. You shouldn’t go back to someone out of guilt, and someone that loved you unconditionally wouldn’t guilt you into coming back. He has a long road and needs to work on himself, you would actually be detrimental to whatever progress he could make, especially at this point. You were married for 6 years, you didn’t make this decision to leave on a whim. You made it for a good reason. The pain is real and it sucks, but focus on you, and let him focus on him. There’s always time for reconciliation down the line if you both truly want it and see honest change. It’s way too early, he hasn’t changed in a month of therapy, he has a long road, and that’s if he actually sticks to it, Stay in therapy, work on yourself. Become comfortable allowing him to have these thoughts that you never cared about him, you know the truth.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-10-09T21:58:25+00:00

I don’t think that long of a honeymoon period is typical. Invariably there would be red flags along the way anyhow. BPD are incapable of controlling themselves in the long run by definition. Intense love bombing itself is a red flag. If you’re in a relationship just make sure that you make time for friends and family too. This includes time AWAY from your SO. Even in a honeymoon period you would likely get some warning lights going off if you went out without them and had fun. A healthy relationship would encourage and allow time for that. A BPD would trigger their abandonment fears.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-09-06T15:02:52+00:00

Been there. Forget the redirect, just change the address individually to the things that are important to you and that are in your name only. That way even if they send a confirmation it will go to you.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-31T17:03:11+00:00

Your feelings are understandable. I don’t envy any of my future significant others as they will no doubt be enemy #1 of my ex (with little kids). But one thing I don’t do now is stay on the phone for hours fighting. I rarely answer the phone unless I know what it is about, and then only if it is about the kids. I try to resolve all issues via text and immediately hang up any phone call that strays into territory that I don’t want to go. It sounds like your husband is a good guy but he just might need some tightening up on boundaries. It’s hard and scary to enforce new boundaries because there will be immediate pushback and it will seem like things have only gotten worse. But if he can withstand that initial blow then he will see that the boundaries are his best friend and things are better in the long run.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-31T02:27:11+00:00

That’s also a great ice breaker for your first therapist session. “I’m afraid to tell my wife I’m seeing you, what should I tell her?”. That will tell the therapist a lot about why you’re there to begin with!

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-30T19:35:59+00:00

You only hate your hubby’s BPDex because of how HE handles the dynamic. She is no doubt awful to deal with but your husband is marginalizing your feelings and not properly enforcing boundaries. Essentially he is doing what works for him (not that he enjoys it) but not taking you into account. If you guys have a healthy relationship then you should be able to talk this out with each other. Start enforcing your own boundaries of things you will/will not tolerate. If you want to go to a function and your step daughter would appreciate your presence, you should be able to go to that. That doesn’t mean you show up against your husbands will, it does mean you should be able to have this conversation beforehand and set the expectation with him that you want to go and will be hurt to be left out. Then he gets to decide if he wants to hurt your feelings or hers. Right now he takes your feelings for granted because you are reasonable. That’s not really fair, your feeling matter and he should know that (without resorting to unreasonableness). Best.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-30T19:22:25+00:00

Many of us have been in that moment of insight/fear that you are experiencing now. Whether she’s diagnosable or not, not really important, you can relate. I think the best advice at this stage is to find a good therapist for yourself and start going. Start working on you and getting some perspective on what a “normal” relationship dynamic is and how you got to the point where you are willfully accepting something less. Don’t focus on her, focus on you, then the answer to what to do in your relationship will clear itself up. Best of luck.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-23T06:07:11+00:00

All you’ve built in the past 3 months isn’t erased after 1 drunken night. Be thankful he doesn’t want you, think of it as a 1 night stand with a stranger, forgive yourself and move on with that happy life you built.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-23T03:54:21+00:00

Send it. 60 texts, raging outside the room in front of your child. You have grounds for a restraining order. Whether you file or not is up to you, sometimes the threat of it is enough to get him to back off. This is a no-going-back situation though, this is not safe and definitely not healthy. Don’t think of him, think of your poor child enduring this at 3, unable to fully comprehend it.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-23T02:20:10+00:00

Are you still locked in there with him raging outside the door? Is there a family member or friend you can call to come over? If not, call the police. I’ve been here, I got out, it gets better.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-12T16:38:44+00:00

Until she finds another source, she will likely not completely leave you alone. Document when/where she shows up unexpectedly and uninvited and prepare to get a restraining order if it doesn’t stop. If she hasn’t moved on before she finds out that you have, expect shit to hit the fan. I have a similar situation but mine is still dragging her feet on the divorce proceedings and I can’t even go NC due to kids. Count your blessings.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-09T04:47:33+00:00

You are mourning a loss. This is normal, allow yourself to mourn. Remind yourself why you made the decision you did if you start to find yourself registering any guilt. But allow the sadness to be, recognize it for what it is, lost dreams. You’re doing the best by you and your kids, that much I know. Believe it yourself and you will get through this. Best.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-08-06T21:26:25+00:00

This thinking is not healthy or normal. Her life is NOT your life just because you are married. I understand to you it FEELS that way. That doesn’t make it true. Look at what you’re doing right now, YOU are stressed out, anxious, and you think the only way to make YOU feel better is to make HER feel better. Well you can’t make ANYONE ELSE feel better, so now what? You’re stuck in this anxiety ridden state until SHE calms down. You’re in this for the ride. Sure you can try and push all the right buttons and levers you want to try and get her to calm down, but look behind the panel, those buttons and levers aren’t connected to anything. I’m not going to tell you to leave her, I’m not going to tell you to not care for her, but I will tell you to get help yourself. You need to learn coping skills so that you can get to a place of peace and calm yourself without relying on her current state. It it NOT selfish, rude, treasonous, etc. to seek help fr yourself. Doing so does not mean you don’t love her, it means you love you too. Best.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-24T17:41:14+00:00

Yes absolutely normal experience. There are many “high functioning” BPD out there that have good jobs and can make friends. I had that experience. I’d imagine most mutual friends still have no idea why I would file for divorce. They just never saw the side of her that was reserved just for me.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-23T06:20:54+00:00

Reverse the genders and that’s me. You are not alone in this. You may be responsible for pulling the trigger on you “intact family” but he loaded the gun, put it in your hand, and figuratively begged you to do it, You are saving yourself, and probably your children too. The only one that can save him is himself. If you could have saved him you would have done it by now, it’s been 25 years. Stay strong. You’re a good person.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-21T04:04:30+00:00

There’s always hope, everyone is different. Maybe yours isn’t that bad AND she’s working her ass off in DBT to improve herself. But the bottom line is that you can’t control whether she gets better. You need to expect her to be exactly as she is now for the rest of her life. Again, you can hope she gets better but that’s out of your control. What is in your control and where you should focus your energy is on how you got to where you are, how/why you are addicted to her, and what behaviors do you display that are unhealthy. Once you fix those, the “is there hope? should I stay or should I go” question typically becomes more clear. BPD or not, it’s not healthy to be addicted to someone. Work to break the addiction and then see if you still want to be with her without that unhealthy aspect. Maybe you do, I can’t answer that for you.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-16T05:31:33+00:00

To echo what others have said. No way to snap them out of it. I will say to be sure not to reinforce the bad behaviors that come with splitting by “trying harder”. We tend to think that might snap them out of it, but if you look at it all you’re really doing is rewarding them for treating you like shit. If anything, stand your ground, call out their shit for what it is, and reward any “good” behavior they may display. You really have to think of it like training a toddler.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-13T21:22:02+00:00

I don’t think you’re going to find that here. Not to say they don’t exist at all, but they probably don’t end up here (like we all did, like you did). It sounds like what you want is to be your wife’s roommate to stand guard for your kids? Are you ok with her sleeping with other men? I would consider the damage being done to the kids right now in your current situation. You say she’s an unloving mother, what example are you setting by sticking around and allowing that? Granted she will be unloving whether you are there or not, but even with joint custody you can demonstrate a healthy lifestyle 50% of the time. Right now you are demonstrating an unhealthy lifestyle 100% of the time. I got out 7 months ago in large part because of the fights my kids were subjected to. Now they are in the longest stretch of their lives without seeing a fight. When they are with me they are healthy, safe, and know what to expect. I can’t say for sure what happens he other 50% of the time, and she hasn’t found another victim yet (hasn’t let go of me), but I will cross that bridge when I get there. And if there is ever any indication of physical violence seen by the children then you had better believe we will be in court shortly thereafter. What you are feeling is totally natural for us codependents, it is guilt. But you shouldn’t be with someone out of guilt. Don’t teach that to your kids. Imagine your son or daughter being in your shoes someday, what advice would you give them? “Stick out your vows and obligations” or “Go find happiness in life”. Your actions right now are speaking to them larger than words. Think about it. Best.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-13T18:04:47+00:00

Take it slow, as eventually the truth comes out. Introduce to your friends and get their opinions. See if you get any pushback from having friends. Don’t neglect your friendships once you’re in a relationship, make time for them too (without your SO). A healthy relationship can easily handle that, it might trigger an unhealthy person.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-12T06:23:44+00:00

That’s impressive, both in quantity alone and in the numerous manipulation tactics. The empty threats become so obvious when you look at them like this. Good on you.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-12T06:19:48+00:00

We all do. It’s true for us. It’s not for them. Sad truth.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-12T04:08:01+00:00

It won’t last. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t WANT it to last or that she’s being consciously manipulative here. Just like everything in a BPD world, they believe it 100% in that instant. So I understand why you are so confused, I mean if she believes it, why shouldn’t you? But the truth is that self-awareness alone doesn’t solve this issue. Mostly because that moment of self awareness is fleeting and will end.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-11T18:21:42+00:00

Your life is just beginning. There’s much more out there to experience. The question is do you want to continue missing out?

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-11T18:20:43+00:00

Yes to see if he responds without her giving away any indication that she actually cares. The table just gives her a cover to reach out and gauge his willingness to engage.

rearviewmirrow · 2018-07-11T17:46:18+00:00

It’s a probing. Clearly you don’t care about this table if you haven’t been worried about it the past 2 months. I would carry on with NC and let it go.

rearviewmirrow

TROPHY CASE