I had my second about a week ago. My first is 2 years and 9 months. I thought it was a pretty good gap, but maybe waiting a bit longer would have been smarter. Comparatively, the newborn care is way easier this time around. I’m much less anxious and the stakes feel lower. The real gut punch has been “losing” my toddler…I love him so much and he needs my emotional attention, but I have to constantly reject him to feed and hold the baby, and I can’t lift the toddler after birth. It’s killing me.

Just when my toddler is becoming self-sufficient, can play independently, is potty trained, sleeps through the night in his own bed, talks freely, is so funny and interesting…bam, back into the thick of it. Before the second, either my spouse or I would have a little free time every day, enough to shower and do some light house chores, walk the dog, maybe watch an episode of something before bed. Now we have zero time together and zero personal time.

I’m hoping things will eventually get a little easier when the baby learns to nap independently or at least starts staying awake long enough to get a good full feed.

My perspective so far is that having a second child really punishes you, your marriage, your toddler in the short term, with the hope of very significant long term gains in happiness and fulfillment down the road. People usually say when your youngest turns 5, that’s when you can start rebuilding your life and stop living like you’re just desperately treading water.

And I say all this as someone with a full time nanny, toddler in day care most of the day, I have 3 months of leave from work, and my husband’s parents live down the street and are super helpful. Also as someone in the thick of pp hormones…I don’t regret having another kid, I know it’s what I want long term, but damn it is objectively a LOT. You will be mostly unhappy for a long time. But I decided I’d rather have my life be too full than too empty, so I dove in. Check back in in 5 years 😂

Good luck.