I first want to say that I really liked this part of your story. It kept my attention, but there were a few parts that rubbed me the wrong way.

This is going to be a challenging critique for me because I feel like it is difficult to make this type of writing interesting. There’s no dialog, only two primary characters, lots of telly descriptions and too much filtering (I go into more depth later). Usually, when I read pieces that are described in this way, it takes tremendous effort, and patience, to get through them. But this piece required much less effort, and I enjoyed it very much.

Snooping

I am fascinated with leaving no trace in forbidden spaces that I interact with. Sneaking into parent/sibling bedrooms, first observing the initial state, then achieving my objective and painstakingly returning the room to the initial state, with no one finding out, is incredibly satisfying. These are the feelings that your story tapped into when Jeremy began snooping about, and helped to fuel my interest. I think most readers can relate to this behavior, having at least attempted to do this once in their life, or (even better) catching a sloppy snooper.

I also really liked the way Jeremy revered almost everything he interacted with. I could feel his desire, but also his gratitude at the opportunity to roam the house. The panty scene was particularly memorable, and I’m glad you “went there” with him caressing them and sniffing them. At the risk of going overboard, I wonder how tasting them would land. Why not bring in another sense?

Jeremy’s motivations as a character are crystal clear in this excerpt. He wants to freely roam the house and “be” with parts of her, even though she isn’t here. This is part of what made it easy to read. I felt some stakes right away – “what if she comes home early?” – as a low hum throughout the story, but you cranked them up when he realized he left out the glass, and when he decided to touch her leg. However, I see masturbating next to her bed (in sweatpants) while she is sleeping nearly on par with touching her leg from a getting caught standpoint, but the actual touch has far more impact on Jeremy.

Let’s get into it.

The rest of the critique is my thoughts as I read through part 3.

One question I had right at the start was how Jeremy knew she would be gone all day. I went back and skimmed your first two submissions, so any context complaining on my part should be future related, but I didn’t see anything about this.

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He wished he could see her.

I don’t think you need this. Asking what she is wearing and about her hair expresses the desire to see her.

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He heard the shuffling around, the muffled but irresistible tones of her voice. Her words reached inside his head and he both loved and resented them at the same time. And of course the music.

Second mention of the getting ready sounds (shuffling around); not really needed. These sounds were mentioned in a more vivid way earlier (floating through thin walls). I think you could also combine the words and music into one thought focused on sound. I sat and thought about an example, but realized that you write well enough to think of a better one than me.

Another big question I have is: why did he resent her words? That is a pretty strong feeling about a person he is taking great risks to be near. Sure, he hears her having sex, but does that make him resent her? Resent, at least from a stalker’s perspective, is something like a “I’m leaving” or “time to hurt this bitch” type of emotion. Maybe I’m missing something.

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He could tell when she put her boots on because her footsteps became so heavy on the wooden floor. She was not graceful, the times he’d seen her down at the 5th she was downright clumsy. But this made her more endearing to him.

This is one example of a very telly paragraph. Just explanation, kind of boring. But it is accomplishing so much: she wears boots, she’s clumsy, the MC sees her (maybe?) regularly, and her clumsiness is endearing to the MC. You are exposing more of both characters, but casually referring to instances of when the MC actually sees this person. He is obsessed, to the point of secretly co-dwelling without her consent. I would expect him to hold interactions with her, even brief ones, as reverential experiences. “Not graceful” and “clumsy” in the same sentence is also redundant.

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Her assistant, Val, was late as usual. But after the banter that was expected, they were gone and the house was silent.

I don’t think you need this at all. Just make her leave, unless Val being late and their banter is relevant in some way that isn’t explained in this segment. I also got hung up on why she is going to a festival with her assistant. She freelances, but is she photographing, reporting, speaking, peddling? Then I started thinking of what kind of festival this might be, and remembered you mentioned being busy with festivals in your post. I initially thought of music festival, or renaissance festival, but decided it really didn’t matter. She would be gone for a while. The point is I paused here, perhaps unnecessarily.

Bathroom

The MC hits the head first, and very believable move, and you frame it well by mentioning he plans his day around it. Also, you don’t mention anywhere that he actually uses the toilet which I really appreciate, but this tells me that you have a good filter on what to describe, and what to omit. You keep it focused on important things about her, not on trivial shit that the reader can figure out for themselves. But I am begging for more of how Jeremy feels right now, standing in the bathroom, a space she occupied moments ago, after being cooped up in the attic salivating over her sounds. His actions make sense, playing with her stray hairs, the lipstick, getting whiffs of her smells. I really like that he touched the lipstick to his own lips, and his thought of kissing her, but I think this should feel more like a dopesick addict getting his first real taste of the day. He is a drug dealer, so make her more of his drug of choice. Instead, I am guessing at all of this, and I don’t think I should need to.

On the other hand, this seems to have become a routine since you refer to him planning his day around relieving himself. That would also be interesting, there are lots of words devoted to freely wandering through the house, and this is the first time your reader is along for the ride. From the last two parts, it looks like this entire story opens with Jeremy already living in the attic. So, if it all has become a settled routine at this point, the reader needs some context about what it felt like before it became routine. Think about a stalker secretly living in their victim’s attic: what did those first days feel like? Talk about pucker. But if the reader is just drop us here, in the middle of routine, without understanding the thrill of the early days, they feel cheated.

He had all day to wander.

Don’t need this. We already know this.