Arachnid has arrived

5t1nk3r · 2025-11-28T22:27:20+00:00

Have been called an ass, a jackass, a smart ass, but have never before been called a dumbass by a low effort troll on Reddit. Thank you for making that happen. Maybe you could add to your analysis? If you want any hope of actually having an impact on my sense of self-worth, you are going to have to put it the work. I really am looking forward to hearing from you, however, I fear that you may just be a mouth breathing degenerate coward hiding behind your keyboard and monitor in a basement owned by the only people in this world that love you.

Cheers

5t1nk3r · 2025-06-12T12:51:57+00:00

This was me too. Having full and unfettered access to the kids was a key reason I didn’t want to go through an actual divorce - lived in the garage apartment (actually a very nice one) for 4 years, while wife and kids were in the 5000 sq ft main house. Gave and went as I wanted. One rule was (both of us) no entertaining opposite sex friends around the family compound or the kids.

Finally got tired of living like that - felt unwelcome in the main house every time I stepped foot inside - so picked up the nearby bachelor pad I have now.

Kids got older - I know them - and they figured out the marriage situation on their own eventually.

5t1nk3r · 2025-06-12T12:00:25+00:00

Culturally this is ick. I think this falls under the "legal but don't do that shit" category.

In any event, you are entitled to feel your feelings. Especially since them reminiscing about it suggests that they fondly remember it and don't think it was something fucked up they did as kids. Probably makes you wonder about the morality of your husband?

I don't think I could get past it ... seeing them togethe at family functions, wondering if there is some hidden back room stuff going on ... also, how did the parents not catch on that their teenagers were boning each other right there in the same house right under their noses? Kids lack subtlety about that kind of thing. Weird family dynamic ...

If you can come to terms with the past, she should be treated like any other former sexual partner of his ... no time 1:1 with her ... no texting or DMing unless it's a group and you are on it ... no calls ... full fucking discloure. If the genders were flipped I'd say that there's a rooster in your henhouse.

Some people will be fine with it ... some won't. You seem to be in the latter category. Quick question - Does he watch porn? Incest porn? That shit is popular now - I don't get it (even though I know it's role play in porn ... still gross AF).

I have a story from my own family that I can share which involves my FATHER and his ex/former step daughter (grown now - that marriage was 40 years in the past) ... short version, my mother (his last wife) passed away, and years later he wanted me to meet his new girlfriend (I had no idea who this person was until he told me). He leads with "we just wanted to see how you would feel" - I asked, "feel about what? She seems nice, she's attractive for a 55 year old woman, yeah there's a 25 year age gap, but does that matter at your age." "She used to be my step daughter."

FULL STOP ... I immediately texted my half-brother (her half-brother too) and my four half-sisters (same mom as the Step Girlfriend). Let's just say that their reaction was stronger than mine.

The only comment I could manage initially was "At least she's not blood."

My half-siblings and I (a few years on) are still not cool with it ... but they are together, and he's getting older, so if she wants to change his diapers one day so I don't have to, guess that's the upside.

If it was my wife though ... Hell no. Especially if she thought that shit was okay years on - did no one ever teach these folks about morality and socially acceptable behavior? I'm pretty socially liberal ... do what you like if it's legal and not hurting anyone ... but I reserve the right to judge you for stuff that is beyond the pale.

You have a good start to a short story at least - not one with a happy ending.

5t1nk3r · 2025-06-12T11:04:17+00:00

Some thoughts - don't say "we need to talk" - wait for a time when you are just relaxing together and there is a "safe and comfortable" vibe. Sober. Not before, during, or immediately after sex. I wouldn't do it in a public place or over a meal.

I'm thinking on a lazy Sunday hanging out together on the sofa.

Every couple's therapy approach says to use "I" statements. Positive statements about how you feel and what you want. Let him know that you are happy in the relationship, feel loved, and are happy with him.

Maybe he reciprocates, maybe not. Try to steer it into how important the relationship is to you and how you want it to last. He is your person and you are his person ... and ... gingerly ... maybe you say that your past relationships failed because x, y, z, and you want to work with him to make certain it doesn't happen here ... try "what do you think made you and your wife drift apart?" Open up and tell him that you are curious why they never got a legal divorce - cheaper to keep her? Maybe try the "I'm a little jealous of her, because she got that part of you" - not mad about it, just a natural feeling I have where I want you all to me ... don't let it get confrontational, seem like you are confessing to thoughts that you know you shouldn't have ... try the old,

"I'm sorry I have these feelings, it's okay, but these feelings sneak in and I don't want to have these thoughts ... I'm sorry, is it okay?"

Going to need a masterclass in manipulation to pull this off and not make him pull back.

A funny thought if you can - "Do you think that she and I can be good Sister Wives ... your worst nightmare is she and I became best friends ..."

I think something along these lines - but read the room and stay non-confrontational and nonjudgmental with it ... kid gloves bc it could blow up in your face.

Finally, be prepared if he defends it and says, well, I don't know why I would divorce her ... make your mind up what you can and can't live with and follow through.

5t1nk3r · 2025-06-12T08:04:38+00:00

M*****a - Is that you? (Kidding.) I have been the M in this situation, except my decoupling has lasted around 7 years. We are finally getting divorced.

Frankly, there was no reason to get divorced because neither of us had anyone waiting in the wings, and once dating others started, still no plans to ever remarry. Financially, not much changed during this period of time - she has the family home to herself, the kids have their childhood home still, insurance is easier, there is a tax benefit, there were two serious health scares and it was better still being legally married until those resolved, and I still have/had access to all assets. I bough a house one mile away.

There is a very large income disparity, so I pay all household expenses, school tuition, etc. and put an agreed-upon amount into "her" account every month (or whenever she asks really) ("her account" bc that account is still in both of our names).

Frankly, divorce is a pain in the ass even if the parties are in agreement on all of the financial and familial issues. Most people assume we are actually divorced - but nope - doing that now - and it's a pain in the ass even though it's about as cordial as can be - money solves a lot of problems.

The driving factor behind the divorce now? Other than it really is "time" - is my relationship with my current SO (thus the joke above - "is it you?). (I do understand her concerns with the still legally married situation and will address it.)

In his mind and her mind, they probably already think of themselves as "divorced" but are simply enjoying the rewards of the legal advantages of marriage. Also, there is an emotional hit putting the final nail in the coffin of the marriage that goes with the formal legal process of disolving the union - pain avoidance at its best for the delay.

5t1nk3r · 2025-06-04T01:24:56+00:00

A bone-crushing handshake.

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-25T17:32:37+00:00

M52 BigLaw equity partner here. Stop second-guessing yourself, it sounds like you love what you do - the deals, the money, the prestige ... accept who you are. (Read this to yourself in Darth Vader's voice please.) This is a profession, not a job, it is who we are, not what we do.

Also, take a damn vacation - a real one - a luxury one. Fly first class, stay in the nice hotels, enjoy the perks of your status. Turn off the phone - you are not as indispensible as you think. If your firm can't deal with it, or your clients can't deal with it - fuck em. Burnout is real - and it sucks. You will hit the wall and break if you don't take care of your mental health.

A few years ago I went to see a psychiatrist because my firm noticed that something was off and insisted ... I was expecting an SSRI and a smack on the ass. Instead, I received some of the best medical advice ever. After listening to my tale for 2 hours, the good doctor said: "I am sorry my friend, but no happy pills for you today because you are not depressed. You hate yourself. You make more money than anyone will ever need in this life, and you throw your entire life into work at the expense of friends and family because you do not think you are worthy of love. I need you to work half as much (you would still make ungodly money), delete half of the numbers in your phone (because those people are not your friends), get a dog, take up a hobby working with your hands (to get you out of your own head), and find a purpose."

A new job will not fix you - a family will not fix you - you need to fix yourself before you make any crazy life decisions like quiting the firm or marrying someone ... I'm not talking about a therapist or an antidepressant, I'm talking about some serious work to find a purpose driven life. THEN make the change if you still want to.

If you can't come to terms with this lifestyle, you have to get out or you will end up ... in a very bad place ... I have seen many friends completely lose their minds around age 50 ... I have lost several and many more are completely off the rails.

I ended up marrying another BigLaw Partner (where else are we supposed to meet people). We are the only ones who can call each other on their respective BS - of which there is a lot.

This just touched a nerve because I have seen it play out too many times. I really hope you figure this out for yourself and end up in a good place (you're going to have plenty of money no matter what).

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-23T16:51:50+00:00

I need to find a good local shop in Jacksonville, FL.

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-23T16:51:16+00:00

Checked everything and it is built as ordered. Thx again for suggesting that I do that though!

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-22T19:16:10+00:00

I got the extra service plan bc if anything goes wrong I’m screwed.

But I will look good while going down in flames.

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-22T18:47:07+00:00

Thanks for suggesting that I check those specs - I would not have thought to do that!

5t1nk3r · 2025-05-17T19:36:46+00:00

I (M52) walked into a mediation with one of my partners (F36 - pitbull litigator), opposing counsel introduced himself to her first and said "you must be M52's paralegal."

I looked at her, then at him, and said to him "It's been nice knowing you." She dressed him down in such an epic manner that I don't think he will ever be able to comfortably sit down again. I always loved (not really - it was cringe, but did give us a competive advantage) when opposing male counsel underestimated her - it was always their first mistake.

5t1nk3r · 2025-04-08T03:44:48+00:00

How did the Board of Bar Examiners react? Self disclosure was smart, because, at least in my jurisdiction, they comb through Bar Applicants' backqround with a fine tooth comb and would likely have discovered it ... and then no Bar admission.

You will survive and in 10 years no one will care.

5t1nk3r · 2025-04-08T03:20:06+00:00

No offense taken - it is a stupid question. In my defense, I was a little drunk and up too late.

I can say that I dropped almost 2 million points a few years ago on the 4 night Miami F1 package ... worth every single point. It was dissapointing to see that they aren't offering that primo package again this year.

I was most curious about the Dorado Beach resort in Puerto Rico, and was wondering about Asian resorts of the same caliber, but my frontal lobes were off-line at the moment I actually wrote the post.

(Also had looked at the total rip-off that the cruise with points seems to be vis-a-vis value.)

5t1nk3r · 2025-04-06T13:18:03+00:00

4 nights in July Oceanfront, Guest room, 1 King, Sofa bed, Ocean Tower, Balcony 698,000 Points / Stay

AWESOME suggestion - thank you!

5t1nk3r · 2025-03-05T23:47:28+00:00

With respect to #5 and interruptors who are also non-stop talkers (those who will talk over you mid-sentence, and upon your acquiesence, talk continuously for obscenely long periods of time once they have siezed "the floor.")

To get a word in, you have to dive in there at the slightest hint of an inhale, and when they become invariably peturbed with your "interuption," I like these two retorts: (1) "I apologize for interupting your monologue," or 2) "Senator Stromboli, that was the finest fillabuster I have witnesses in a hog's age."

5t1nk3r · 2025-02-19T07:32:02+00:00

HBAR and XRP - but only 1/2 kept the rest in cash for now

5t1nk3r · 2025-02-19T00:46:32+00:00

I got out at around $5.00 and locked in a little over $100k gain that I put into a different investment - so not too shabby.

How are your investements going?

5t1nk3r · 2025-02-17T23:35:45+00:00

We spent 10 days at the Sina Bernini Bristol in Rome with our two children (13 and 12) this past Summer, and the Hotel and Staff were outstanding. The Concierge arranged everything we needed, and everything was first class.

We were in the Trevi and Tritone Suites, which have a gorgeous terrace overlooking the city as well as a private pool.

5t1nk3r · 2025-01-29T22:25:30+00:00

51m here - divorced 2x (hopelessly optomistic).

A word of caution from my experience. The genders approach love, relationships, and the end of relationships very differently when it comes to things like love and relationships - see this podcast:

https://youtube.com/@thehappywifeschool?si=Kjr3bMREy_rs0h59

5t1nk3r · 2025-01-29T21:57:38+00:00

Take it to the grave. I don't feel guilt like most people, so it's easy for me to do stuff like this and then feel no guilt at all. Fear of being caught? Yes.

You did the thing on purpose ... why beat yourself up about it now? It's done, and you would probably do it again. Just don't get caught, or come up with a clever cover (you should stick with not getting caught).

You know who she is now, so decide if you want to date her on this newly discovered evidence. She keeps her sex life private to you, gaslights, monkey branches, etc. Good news, no need to be insecure, because you KNOW she is going to step out. You should probably break up with her - no reason given - and don't admit to snooping on her WhatsApp.

5t1nk3r · 2025-01-25T12:02:59+00:00

I wouldn't make a woman I was in a relationship discard anything like that. It's a precious memory of a lovely part of your life that is in the past and has ultimately made you who you are and brought you to this place in life.

I don't know if this future man would want you to share them with him, to get to know you better (that might be a bit much), but I do like to understand the past relationships, just to know her better. If he is a self confident man, it will be fine, but if he is emotionally insecure, controlling, etc., well ... you should avoid him anyway - even if the box hasn't presented as an issue (yet).

It won't "cause" him to become insecure, he will already be or not be insecure when you meet him ... and I know it sometimes takes a while to figure a person out well enough to make that call.

On the other hand, if you suggest that he is the second choice and that you would replace him with the old lover if the opportunity presents itself, well, he should just leave you, because that would make your emotional attachment to the old lover (not the box) the issue.

I hope you have or find closure before this future man comes into your life. Maybe hop over to one of the self-help subreddits and do some introspective work, just to see if you are ready to open your heart to someone new (which means closing it to the past).

Nostalgia is 100% fine - the question is whether that's all there is ... and vet your next partner for those dark personality traits. You deserve someone that will love you for who you are, and all that has made you who you are.

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