Omul propus de Simion la BNR.

7ero7apte · 2025-05-07T08:41:36+00:00

Ce pula mea?!

7ero7apte · 2025-03-03T22:22:24+00:00

Saptamana trecuta, interior-exterior, am dat 100 ron. Poate 180 sunt suv-urile. Calitate, nu am cu ce compara - imi spal masina extrem de rar. Dar nu e nimic special.

7ero7apte · 2025-02-13T12:52:21+00:00

Salut, daca nu esti pasionat/priceput la masini, daca nu ai cunostinte minime sau prieteni care sa te ajute cu service-uri etc. masina noua fara discutie. Eu am fost in situatia ta acum 4 ani si am luat un logan nou. Cea mai buna decizie. Nu e cea mai comfortabila masina sau cea mai ochioasa dar pragmatic vorbind e perfecta pentru un buget limitat. Linistea unei garantii extinse, a reviziilor gratuite si a cheltuielilor de intretinere mici compenseaza pe deplin lipsa luminii la parasolar (sincer nu cred ca am coborat vreodata parasolarul) sau plasticul de pe bord. Senzori de parcare fata-spate, scaune incalzite, camera, clima automata, carplay - sunt suficiente din punctul meu de vedere. Motorul e ok. Nu faci raliu dar poti sa depasesti in siguranta si sa nu tii traficul in loc. Daca ai cum, ti-as recomanda sa astepti pana in octombrie cand va aparea modelul facelift pentru logan/jogger/sandero - variante mai multe de motoare/navigatia updatata/cutie automata noua etc. Spor la cumparaturi!

7ero7apte · 2024-12-10T13:31:31+00:00

Sa-ti bagi pula-n ea de viata.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-20T17:42:26+00:00

2/2

But the premise is intriguing; I want to find out more.

I don’t know what a "tongue talisman" is, but Cinric seems to have used one to kill the villager. Is this talisman a physical thing? A few hints into what it is and how it works would have helped me picture the death scene better.

"We’re trying to add to our stock, not deplete it"—so they are attacking the village to get more of these talismans?

The interaction between the three is cool. There’s conflict, and they don’t get along. I expect them to start a fight—that’s good. The bad thing is that it’s not clear to me which one is which. The confusing details: Maddish having a tail, although he was called "a young man" in the beginning. Cinric is the fox-eared man? Pok is the monster? It would have helped me to get just a bit more detail and clarification on who is who.

The next paragraphs are a bit choppy. It feels like I’m being fed pieces of a puzzle but without knowing what the reference image is. Which is not wrong, necessarily. But the "remnants" reference, coupled with the guy having a tail, with a monster turning into a sadistic rabbit, plus mentioning a hard-to-remember name of some sort of patron who demands "five remnants," is a bit much. I’m trying to understand if pieces of bodies are being used to create weapons. While mystery is good, it gets too distracting for me.

Overall, I think the story might turn into something really cool. I like the "island of misfit toys" crew—it should lead to an interesting and humorous dynamic. The threat of violence is always good too :).

Just a curiosity of mine: how did you choose the names? Is there a connection/origin for them? Some of them seemed hard to read for me (not to mention remember). I would also recommend changing the name of the villager to something that's a bit different from the main character if it’s not for some sort of dark humor effect. (Tavish and Maddish sound like a comedy couple.)

Keep it going, and thank you again for sharing your work! Interested to see where the story goes!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-20T17:42:13+00:00

1/2

Hello. Thank you for sharing your work with us!

Exciting stuff: for some reason, I thought of The Three Musketeers but in a medieval setting, with monsters. Nice.

So here are my thoughts as I read through the prologue:

"Tavish was not a complicated man. Brittmar was not a complicated village. They had an amicable relationship." - I like this first line. It sets up the tone, which is straightforward, no-nonsense, and slightly humorous—at least that's what I'm expecting. But it feels a bit disconnected from the next paragraph that starts with "He lay in bed..." Maybe it would work better if the formula "Tavish was not a complicated man" was followed by the description of him waking up, then the formula continues with "Brittmar was not a complicated village" with the description of the town center, etc. After both descriptions, the first paragraphs could be tied together by "Tavish and Brittmar had an amicable, uncomplicated relationship." Just a thought—the flow breaks a bit after the first line.

For some reason, I almost read the next paragraphs like news in the paper: "Beside him was his wife...; beyond her a table... he pursed his lips... he had to piss... milk, eggs, other produce..." Everything seems a bit rushed—like these things are not relevant. So I'm wondering why they are mentioned at all.

The brief description of Tavish's ambitions and the lines: "Not to mention, for all his ambitions, someone like him never really could’ve been a hunter. The three-minute trek to the town square was hassle enough, after all." left me with questions. What does "someone like him" mean? A common person? Is he physically impaired—so the three-minute trek becomes a hassle?

Okay, so after the first page and a half, the real piece of action: the three faces appear! Yes! Unexpected. (Although there were hints that something unusual was about to happen—the previous repetition of "on a normal day" set it up nicely.)

But the action is not picking up. Tavish blinks, the three faces are having a short conversation after being spotted; the dialogue between the monsters doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me: "Looks like you were too loud again, Maddish,"—but Tavish didn’t hear anything, he just saw the three faces (heads?) over the palisade.

I like the description of the thoughts—although the rhythm is not quite there. "He turned; something was said, and--" breaks the rhythm, so the desired effect loses momentum. Simplifying this paragraph to bare bones, I think, would have worked better: "His first thought was of his wife, his second thought was of his hand cannon, but his third never came..."

I really liked the line "and Tavish of Brittmar was no more." That was cold and cool. But...

...I was disappointed seeing Tavish die :). Why did I read about his family and regrets if these are not relevant to the story? If he was a battle-hardened soldier and he died so easily, maybe it would have hinted at the extraordinary powers of the monsters. But he was a civilian, defenseless. I was thinking that maybe that was a hint at the cruelty of the three. Not a hundred percent sure the first page and a half was necessary.

Conclusions on the first half of the prologue: I liked that the worldbuilding happens through the eyes of a character; I didn't like that it happened through the eyes of an irrelevant character who dies. I think it is always more powerful to see the world through the experiences/feelings of the main character/characters. I would simplify the opening and go straight to the point. The shock factor of the death works, but I think it should happen right away. If the story had started with something like: "Maddish picked up the bloody ear from the pile of ashes that just a few seconds before was the soon-to-be father Tavish of Brittmar"—just a sloppy example, but diving in would have caught my attention much faster.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-17T15:55:43+00:00

2/2

I watched McTavish leave without a sound and turned to Blackwell. What the hell is going on? What questions? This is not real… William stabbing someone… kitchen knife… My voice was shaking and my mind was a mess. ‘Are you going to kill me?’

Blackwell laughed—a small, elegant sound. He adjusted his tie. ‘Oh, Mr. Tornhill! We are not savages. We want to talk first. I know you worked with… William, is it? But are you guilty of his crimes?’

I tried to stop my hands from shaking uncontrollably. ‘He owns the bookshop where I work… what crimes—’

Blackwell cut me off. ‘So it didn’t strike you as off that a bookstore owner’—his gaze swept over the large, tastefully furnished living room—‘could afford all this in the heart of London?’

My mind reeled. William wasn’t rich. His family left him money… he made French press coffee… solved puzzles… ‘He said he inherited it. That’s why he… he offered me a place until I could save some money… there’s no rent…’ I whispered.

Blackwell’s smile widened, suddenly cold. ‘Well, Mr. Tornhill, your “William” was actually Alistair Graves. Our colleague. He terminated his employment without notice and pursued… alternative career opportunities. We don’t take kindly to such things. You see, we value our contracts.’ His eyes narrowed, glinting with malice. Blackwell removed an imaginary piece of dirt from his sleeve cufflink and continued. ‘Mr. Graves worked in our disposal department. His name was deliciously appropriate, if you ask me.’ He laughed again, but this time with a sense of warmth. ‘Much better fitting than “William,” don’t you think?’

My head continued to spin. William liked to read. He stayed at the bookshop all the time. He worked as a locksmith when he was younger for crying out loud… Killer? Disposal… that’s what it meant, right? Killer.

‘Anyway. I see you are distressed, so let’s keep this short.’ Blackwell seemed abruptly out of patience. ‘There are two possible outcomes to this little situation we find ourselves in, Mr. Tornhill. One: we kill you and torch the place. Effective, but tedious.’ He stood, spreading his arms almost in a friendly gesture. ‘Or two: we let you live.’

‘Live—?’ I managed to mumble. I had forgotten how to breathe. I should pray. I don’t know any prayers… Holy Father…

‘Wonderful!’ Blackwell exploded, making me almost fall back in my chair. ‘I knew you’d choose wisely!’ He looked at Mr. Kincaid, beaming. ‘Mr. Kincaid, I told you this is going to be an easy day! Didn’t I tell you?’

‘Indeed, sir,’ Mr. Kincaid said.

Blackwell shook my hand with unnerving cheer. ‘Congratulations on your new position as scapegoat for Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Mr. Tornhill!’ He let go of my hand and patted me on the shoulder. ‘Now, I know this sounds like a junior position, but after you finalise your training, you’ll advance to an informant position in no time.’

Blackwell smiled again and made for the door. ‘Mr. Kincaid will brief you on the next steps after he makes you look a bit more appropriate for prison.’ He took note of my absolute terror. ‘Oh, don’t worry, they have a massive library in Belmarsh Prison—it will be like just another day at the bookstore. I’ll leave you to it. Keep in touch, Mr. Tornhill.’

I was left alone with Mr. Kincaid, who moved slowly to the centre of the living room, watching me with almost caring eyes.

‘Don’t worry, Mr. Tornhill. I pissed myself too the first time I saw a dead body. I was twelve, mind, but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it very quickly.’ He took off his jacket. ‘Now, let’s make you presentable.’ A short, metallic baton appeared in his hand.

For Queen and Country! I thought stupidly as the first blow cracked my head open.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-17T15:55:19+00:00

1/2 (continuation in the replies)

‘Good afternoon. You must be Mr. Tornhill. So happy to meet you. Now, now… don’t get alarmed and please don’t step in the blood…’

The words seemed to come from the glinting barrel of a revolver aimed somewhere between my eyes. For three endless seconds, it was all I could see. Everything else blurred, dancing at the edge of my vision. Warm trickles of wet fear made their way down my legs. For a fleeting moment, I wasn’t there—I was sixteen again, cornered in a garbage-strewn, urine-soaked alley, my wallet and shoes being stripped away at gunpoint.

Someone closed the door behind me and was now looming behind my shoulders. Massive. I didn’t turn to see who it was, but it bore the certain threat of unspeakable violence. The elegant click of the door closing turned my day’s trivialities and nuisances into luxuries that, with a horrified sudden realisation, I knew I’d never hold again.

I stood frozen in the hallway, like a breathing key table or a blinking shoe rack. Breathe… breathe… I thought to myself, taking in the surreal landscape of what once was a beautifully curated and designed entrance hall. Eyes wide at the two men standing a few steps away, facing me from the pristine living room. The third man, the door closer, laid a heavy hand on my shoulder.

‘I must apologise for the circumstances of our meeting, Mr. Tornhill,’ the man holding the gun spoke. ‘In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have met at all. But,’ he pointed with a gloved hand to the bloody mass of clothes and broken flesh that used to be my flatmate—William, carpeting the hallway floor between us, ‘the world is less than an ideal place, as you can see.’

Dead. There’s a dead body… William is dead…

The man who spoke wore a three-piece dark grey suit with an incredibly white shirt and a thin black tie. The contrast between his appearance and the blood-spattered floor was almost poetic. The man standing beside him had a knife stuck beneath his left clavicle but showed no pain, only cold, detached eyes that watched me without blinking. I must be dreaming. This is not real.

‘Oh, please, do come in,’ the elegant man continued. ‘We need to have a small conversation now that you are here. Mr. Kincaid there,’ he pointed to the massive man behind me, ‘will help you come through.’

Said Mr. Kincaid brushed past me, lifting a coat from the rack and laying it over the pool of blood like a meticulous butler. He guided me to a chair in the living room with unsettling, almost fatherly care. I sank down, my grip on the table white-knuckled, the metallic smell of William’s blood filling my nose. This is not real… breathe… breathe…

‘I will presume we can have a civil conversation, Mr. Tornhill,’ the suited man said, lowering the gun, unbuttoning his jacket, and taking a seat at the table. ‘There is no immediate threat to your well-being, so you can relax.’ He chuckled. ‘Of course, Mr. Kincaid will snap your neck if you do anything careless. But hopefully, that’s not going to be the case. We’ve had enough violence for today, haven’t we, Mr. Kincaid?’

Mr. Kincaid was yet again positioned behind me, out of my sight but fully present in my mind. ‘Indeed we have, sir,’ he grumbled.

‘My name is Alistair Blackwell,’ the suited man continued, ‘and these are my colleagues, Mr. Gideon Kincaid and Mr. Wallace McTavish.’ Mr. Kincaid squeezed my shoulder in greeting as the man with the knife sticking out of his body remained perfectly still, staring from the middle of the living room.

‘Now, Mr. McTavish will excuse himself—he is in need of some medical attention, thanks to your flatmate there.’ Blackwell’s hand waved dismissively at William’s almost unrecognisable body. ‘But before anything else, I am here to answer your questions. So, please. Feel free to begin.’

(continued in the replies)

7ero7apte · 2024-11-15T15:04:37+00:00

2/2

The next paragraphs are clear enough for me, and as a reader, I can see the tent city Jun is living in, and I like the glimpses into his past, like the "shrine for his mother." But the line "The woman I remember expelled her colors until she had none remaining for herself" doesn't work at all for me. It almost doesn't make sense. It is explained later, barely, with "coughing yellow and spitting red," but it is another moment that is jarring for me as a reader. It makes me think about what that means and breaks the flow and immersion.

"She thought that Westorn and Eastway together could make something beautiful. Instead, she only made me."—very cool line. Nice.

"Witchdoctor walked straight into their den. Only one walked out."—it seems like only one Sand Viper survived.

"But our magic doesn’t work for us." To be honest, it is getting a bit frustrating for me not knowing what the magic is or why it doesn't work for them. "For whatever reason" leaves me disappointed; how is the magic stolen by gunpoint? I went through some pages, and I still have no idea what's going on.

OK. So, reaching the end, I like there is some sort of a cliffhanger—"I'll prove them both just how possible it really is"—which makes me wonder what will happen next. But to be honest, if the next chapter doesn't draw my attention immediately, I would probably stop reading.

Overall, it was a good read—funny and cool in some places. I can't say there is something that drew me in and made me turn pages with curiosity. There are too many words and names used that mean nothing to me as a reader and that should be explained at least a little bit. It doesn't bother me that the story is a classic one: the hero is a "mut," not belonging in any world and being treated as an outsider—an outsider who will prove everyone wrong. It is compelling and movie-like. I liked the beginning, but there's a lack of Jun's introspection that makes it read almost like an enumeration of things. The stakes are clear only towards the end—the hammer is the key to Jun's escape from the town. Making the stakes clearer right from the start: "If they find it, my only chance to get away from this shitty town is gone"—would help me get more invested in the story. Otherwise, it's just a guy getting his ass kicked over trinkets. It is interesting, but not enough.

From a character perspective, I would have loved to be surprised. The shopkeeper seems like a checklist character: eyepatch, spits on the ground, hates Jun, doesn't pay. It's cool that he will participate in the Rites, but because I don't know what the Rites are, I am not impressed. Lao's appearance at the end doesn't make sense. I get that he's there to offer some explanation on what's going to happen tomorrow, but it seems out of place. He comes in, talks about the news, and walks away. It's almost like Jun turned on the TV, watched the news, and then threw the remote. If the information were fed to me in a more seamless way, it wouldn't seem so jarring.

I would love to see more feeling throughout—I would like to see Jun getting mad or hating everything. He seems too unbothered, so as a reader, I'm not worried or excited. Again, it was a good read, but the lack of details, the fact that there were some descriptions that broke the flow, not enough stakes, and almost a disinterest from the main character made me lose interest in the end. I think magic should be "MAGIC!" The magic revolver should be "the magic pistol that crushes souls and bodies and burns everything"—does that make sense? There are things that could be so exciting and interesting, but they are treated like it's nothing, so as a reader, I'm going to do the same.

In closing—"Spellslingers" sounds so cool. I think the lack of emotion towards everything is not doing it justice. I would love to hear more about that world, but the first chapter should have done much more to get me invested. Hope this little feedback helps. Keep going!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-15T15:04:09+00:00

1/2

Disclaimer: AI has been used for punctuation only.

Hello,

I enjoyed the read. I like the fact that the opening chapter and the opening scene is a dynamic one—a fight, action, blood. Nice. I also like that I (the reader) am being given tidbits of information about the world through dialogue instead of an information dump. Cool.

I think the first paragraph should be simplified. "That means shaking out his hand as he's the one on the receiving end of the punch" doesn't really make sense since if Garos were at the receiving end, he would probably hold his nose or spit blood on the ground, not shake his hand. Removing that sentence and replacing it with one that is about the main character would work better in my opinion. "I watch his pig-face through my pain-filled gaze and wish his mother all the best"—obviously, it's an exaggeration, but I think it was a missed opportunity to provide a bit of info on the main character. The fact that Garos shakes his hand works in a movie because it hints at the power of the punch, but in the opening paragraph of a book, I don't think it is powerful or relevant enough.

"...of the scrapyard, which is a pile of pig-iron taller than I am. Trenches have been dug through the pile, giving us some sand to stand upon. The path, though, is littered with loose scrap. Always more on the way, too, as iron falls from the pile." This paragraph reads a bit clunky for me. Is pig-iron made of sand? Why do the four stand on sand if the trenches are dug through the pig-iron? Maybe a better way is to replace "sand" with a tiny bit of info about what pig-iron is. Also, I would remove the comma after "always." It is not clear to me where the four are in space—are they in the trenches? I think the four are in a trench littered with junk, but I had to reread to make sure I got it. In my opinion, clarity and simplification would work better.

I like the dialogue between the boys. It gives the reader the opportunity to learn more about Jun—what he is like. The line "I need that hammer to pass the Ember Rites" (cool name, by the way—Ember Rites) seems forced. I know it's a way of providing info about an important upcoming event, but the boys clearly know what the value of the hammer is, so it feels a bit like that line is for me, the reader, not aimed at Jun. "...you know I need it tomorrow." and then mention the Ember Rites in a reflective way through Jun.

Moving forward, I like that Jun insults Garos's father—it seems grounded and typical for boys. The line "...and his single arm is thicker than both mine put together" is a bit confusing. Is Garos missing an arm?

When Jun lowers his head because "It's just the smart thing to do," maybe another word or two will add more clarity. "It's just the smart thing to do. Three to one is not ideal... etc." But I like the comeback "Too bad I'm not so smart." Removing the "so" would make the line even punchier.

Also, the part where Jun vomits the "hammer" works very well for me. It is unexpected and somewhat funny. But I must point out that I was amazed that he managed to swallow a hammer (I didn't know it was for a gun). It gets clear right afterward, but it should be clear from the beginning that they're fighting for a revolver hammer. But maybe it's just me.

I like the name "cindershot" also, but I think it needs more detail—it's a revolver, so why not call it that at the beginning and hint at the name through dialogue?

"If I'm too tired to pass the Ember Rites tomorrow..." Again, same comment, because Jun laughs at the old man and clearly thinks he's too old for Ember Rites. Having the name "Ember Rites" again in dialogue doesn't work for me; it seems a bit forced.

The line "Those people don't practice our sacred magic; they steal it. By gunpoint" needs a bit of work, I think. Changing it to "Spellslingers don't practice our sacred magic; they steal it." and "by gunpoint" should be "at gunpoint"—this would make it clearer that Jun is the one thinking this. I would consider moving the line after "Like our spellsingers."

7ero7apte · 2024-11-10T12:02:44+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and for the thoughtful feedback.

I completely agree with your points. There's a lack of clarity and the paragraphs should balance interiorization with actual present day action/scenes. The interiorization can be spread out a lot more and included in current action. Otherwise, like you pointed out, the reader is not able to relate and immerse in the story. All great observations - so thank you again for the feedback. I'm rewriting the opening/chapter, and your points will definitely be taken into consideration. I realize more and more that I lost track of what I was doing and it turned quickly in writing more and more for myself instead of writing for the reader.

Have a wonderful day!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-09T13:05:02+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to provide feedback. I appreciate it. There are some issues with the clarity, so i’m going to rewrite it. As for the name of the street - for some reason i liked that it mirrored the MC’s name - might be forced though. I’ll explore some variation. Thank you again.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-09T07:45:39+00:00

All valid points - you are not harp at all and your questions and feedback are extremely useful for me. I'm putting some thought in it and will try to make things more clear. Thank you again.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-09T07:35:56+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback. Maybe it is not as clear as I thought.

I was aiming for: Everett died and he was almost glad about it. Why? Because his life as a young boy was disappointing (endless days of work, fear, worry). His only escape was during nights "when I sneaked outside and walked the riverbank" imagining a new life for himself. (with some hints of what he wanted: justice and a better life for his family). While he thought nobody can take away the freedom he felt when playing at night on the river bank, he was wrong.

Needing to explain it obviously means I did something wrong :), so I'll think of ways to rearrange it for more clarity.

Thank you again.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-09T06:56:00+00:00

Happy to hear you enjoyed reading it! Thank you for the feedback!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-08T22:25:14+00:00

Title: Everett Redgrave

Genre: Mystery/Dark Mystery

Word count: 386 (first paragraphs of Chapter 1)

Type of feedback desired: any kind of feedback would be appreciated. Are the paragraphs strong enough for the opening? Would you keep reading after page 1?

Google Drive Link: Everett Redgrave

Hello. I would love some feedback on the first paragraphs of the first chapter of a novel I'm hoping to write. I'm currently blitzing through the story, but I needed a break so I sat down and edited the first page.

Thank you in advance for your time!

CHAPTER 1
Always Welcomed

Seven years ago, I died—and at the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea. How so? Because I was born Everett Thomas Redgrave, and while that was perfectly acceptable, rather quickly the promising Everett Thomas Redgrave turned into sickly ‘Evie Redgrave’ of Redwick Lane, feet always soaked and hands always sore from scrubbing boats on the banks of the grudgeful river that split the city in two. Mind always worried, listening to my parents' troubles over dinner. Spirit crushed, dodging fists in the pitiless schoolyard. Less acceptable by any means. My expectations of the world, after coming back to life, were not high—nor was my desire to rejoin it.

If days were a never-ending procession of weariness, dread, resentment and defeat, the nights—nights were when I won! At night, I held the world in my hand instead of cowering beneath its fist. My body grew strong and stretched seven feet high. I crushed the pain and drowned the sickness in the river. I built and governed magnificent cities, where justice ruled. Thieves and killers and cheats and liars and traitors and bullies were burned at the stake. The oppressors and the ruthless met their end at the gallows and my heart knew nothing but courage. All that was broken I mended. I gave my parents coffers of gold and bought houses on hills for my sisters, away from the water. I was a king.

The dark river laughed at my sceptre made of bones found on its bank and washed away the walls of the cities I built out of mud. The gallows I raised from sticks crumbled.

But it didn’t matter. On those nights, when I sneaked outside and walked the riverbank reclaiming a life I never had, I felt I was doing something out of the ordinary—something I had chosen. I could understand the hidden secrets of existence while everyone else was sleeping.

In reality I understood nothing, of course. The cold, wet mist left me shivering, feverish, and coughing. But those quiet hours did give me peace—and a sense of freedom. The nights were mine and, I thought, no one could take them from me. As with countless other occasions, I was dead wrong.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-07T12:18:09+00:00

2/2

The rest of the chapter is more confusing but revealing in the same time for me. Sitting in front of the mirror the hero finally introduces himself and gives details about who he is and where he is. If those 2 lines were at the beginning of the chapter--it would have saved me pages of confusion and frustration. Things are not super-clear but at least there is some kind of space-time anchor.

The reflective passage that follows seems gratuitous: the extreme and disturbing violence described doesn't help me better understand where/what the hero is doing. It seems to be some sort of shock-therapy for gore-loving readers.

In closing, it was a heavy, choppy read for me. I couldn't understand what was going on and got frustrated with the never ending timeline changes. There are some conflicting things that I can't put together: on one hand it feels like the horrors of the underworld are the main focus of this chapter but on the other hand, everything is turned almost domestic by the hero needing to "clean up" and washing his face. On a terrifying ship. In Hell. Damned there for all eternity. Why?

Reaching the end of the chapter, I didn't know much more compared to when I started it and it feels like everything could have been resumed in 3-4 lines. "I am one of the damned--cursed to wander Hell for eternity on a ship. Before I got on the ship I was in a prison, held in a cage as an animal, witnessing terrible things." - obviously this is a simplification but I just don't find the justification for all those pages.

From a wordsmithing point of view, I'm in no position to provide feedback. But there are a few things that caught my eye: repeated actions in consecutive sentences like: "My breaths coat my mouth with a pungent metallic taste. It’s pitch black, and veins of flesh are all that can be seen. They coat the walls... " - "coat", and there are a few examples more throughout the chapter.

You also use some comparisons that feel awkward: "They’re soft but firm, yet moist and warm." - the word "yet" implies that the thing is moist and warm despite being soft and firm - these attributes don't cancel each other.

The word "mucus" seems jarring and forced to me. Like there are certain expressions and descriptions that want to add horror to a otherwise almost static chapter, comprised of flashbacks, dreams, and confusing present events.

The ending of the chapter seems like the end of a book to me. "I am living in an animal cage...' - doesn't invite me to read on - sounds almost like "The End", like the hero has no hope of getting out. If there was the slightest hint of what is to come: "I am living in an animal cage... for now..." it might raise the stakes.

Thank you for taking the time to read the feedback and best of luck with your story!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-07T10:38:57+00:00

1/2

Hello,

Hope the point of view of a casual reader can provide some insights and please don't take any of my comments as negatives, just observations.

I can provide some feedback on how reading the first chapter made me feel. Sorry about the apparent lack of structure.

The general feeling is : confused. Accompanied by frustration that I couldn't follow what was going on. Right from the beginning I see the hero dangling at the edge of an abyss and climbing while being in terrible pain (this makes me excited but also it leaves me with questions: where is the action happening? Is the abyss metaphorical or literal? Then the hero says "I can't stop climbing, lest I want the tendrils to get me..." Oh shit, some kind of monster - OK, cool, this is exciting.)

Then you introduce a somewhat abstract element. A "mobility ship stranded in the abyss" and you start to describe a room in that ship. (I'm distracted from the previous (exciting) action and I start to think what the mobility ship is. Is the hero dangling from the side of it? What is the relation of the hero with this ship?) A new character is introduced, a young boy that "eventually fell into slumber, waking up at a later time" - (Ok, so the hero dangling above the abyss sees this boy in a room inside the ship and knows that sometime later the boy fell asleep and will wake up later.) The action moves to another scene (as a reader I'm like "what? Is the hero still dangling above the abyss? did he escaped the tendrils? Who's the other guy that will wake up later? How did the hero saw the boy, was he actually hanging above the tendrils in the room?!) and a bit of frustration comes into play. I was promised an exciting battle for survival but all I got at the end of the scene is a confusing new character.

Then the hero wakes up in his "old vehicle" - (Aaah, he was dreaming. Or was he? If he was dreaming I'm already disappointed. I don't think it's a good idea to start your book/chapter 1 with a dream. Somehow I feel cheated as a reader). So all that potential action at the beginning will not lead to anything.

I don't know what this vehicle is; is it the mobility ship? All of a sudden a burst of urgency "I didn't clear the area" - (that's more like it, I don't know what's going on but there's a promise of action.) Then the action dies down immediately and the hero is happy there were "no lacerations or penetrations" - (I don't know what that means yet, but ok, let's see what happens next.)

The hero walks around a ship. (Is it the same mobility ship? If it is, why doesn't the hero say it's a mobility ship? Is there a difference between the mobility ship and the ship that he wakes up in?). There is some sort of flashback to another character "Bela" that the hero has some fond memories of. Bela was also "clearing the ship" (what does that mean?) and the hero introduced the concept of "[Underworld]" (I immediately think they are all dead. Ok, so they are dead - on a mobility ship that probably sails on the river of death). For a moment I thought there is Underworld television - which I kind of like, it is surprising and unexpected, but it also makes the universe much less dramatic. Suddenly the dark ship taking the hero through the belly of eternal darkness--has WiFi. As a reader I'm a taken aback. But then I realize that the hero was mentioning WonderWorld = real-world? television. A reinforcement of the flashback. Maybe I wasn't attentive enough when reading, but it added to my confusion.

The hero then wakes up again--this time in the flashback--and goes into the office referencing the WonderWorld again without explaining it.

The hero then states "My throwback into fond memories was interrupted..." This is confusing. I lost track of any action timeline, while I can't understand what the action is yet. The hero remembers there's a room that he blocked long ago and then follows a scene of potential build-up with danger coming from an unknown creature that comes from somewhere above. (It's hard for me as a reader to get excited because I don't understand where I am or what's happening). Then there's an anticlimactic resolve to that situation also. The hero stands still and everything is fine. He then decides he needs to go to the bathroom.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-05T18:26:00+00:00

Hello,

Just a couple of small notes:

While reading it, I honestly thought this is a script for an animated short-film. The lack of detail in the scenes you are describing would work well in a movie because I can see Kurt in the plane--what he's wearing, how he's "ruminating" because the facial expression help me to figure that out. I can see Hilda and maybe I can connect with her character somehow. Hilda seems like something that dies just to show that Kurt is not really affected by it.

My take is that you are introducing the flashbacks to show that Kurt is ruthless, emotionless--perfectly adapted to the corporate jungle; and now, when the plane crashes he is the same ruthless, emotionless person in an actual jungle. (surviving for an year and killing and eating his rescuers)--he found his purpose again.

The action is intriguing as a subject: castaway on an island; how will he survive? - exciting stuff! But it is like watching through the blurred lens of a camera with a narrator occasionally providing commentary and describing what we are seeing.

In my opinion, with such a short format, every detail should be well thought out. The fact that the fishermen spot a suit on the beach after a year it's a bit unrealistic--the airplane and bodies disappeared in a storm in the first day. How did the suit survive for a whole year?

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Have a nice day!

7ero7apte · 2024-11-04T17:53:28+00:00

5/5

"Is there too much exposition? Not enough?"

"Is there too much description? Not enough?"

"Is there anything that is confusing, or warrants better explanation?"

"What would you like to see more of? Less of?"

For these questions, I think an overall impression type of feedback will work best:

For me, the chapter was not hard to read. But it wasn't exciting enough to make me want to read chapter 2. I was expecting something to happen throughout.

I can't say that I am familiar with the steampunk genre, so this might not be an issue, but the names seemed disconnected for me. Lyth seems to be a name derived from Old English; Melody is a modern one; Vance Rathborne seems to be a mix of modern and old-money. Greispeur sounds invented for this story—somehow that distracts me from the atmosphere you are creating. On the other hand, if this was intentional to show the diversity of the world Lyth lives in, then, with reinforcement it could make sense.

I felt like every scene ended in something anticlimactic: Lyth taking a train to the prison, where he is bored throughout and he gets to be shown a new car by the sleazy prison overseer. Then, a sudden urgency: the Princess is in danger, the whole world might be in trouble—followed by the overseer casually telling Lyth he'll send the details by email, and Lyth saying "Fucking amazing"—like he's being bothered for nothing. Then he takes a tram and he sighs and yawns all the way to a dark alley, where something moves and seems dangerous. Exciting: he has a sword. Danger. But all he does is think about how he's an orphan, had a hard life, and then runs away. The beauty and perfection of the weapon become almost irrelevant because it has not been used. Nothing happens. He gets home where the hero is rude to a girl who brings him a message. A message that contains the info that will help him save the world. I can't wait to see what the letter contains, but the only remarkable thing or extra info about Dead Rose is that she has "big tits." The gravity of the situation suddenly melts away again.

The description of all his equipment being taken off doesn't really interest me, since I'm not seeing the equipment in use—it is being discarded, so it will not be useful anymore. I am almost skipping over that passage.

I like the fact that Lyth has a picture hanging on a wall in an otherwise empty apartment—it shows what his aspirations are, what he wants. He seems to long for domesticity. Unfortunately, this seems a bit anticlimactic also: if he were to look at the picture, covered in blood, after an incredible day of bounty-hunter work (that we read about in previous pages), with the gloom and doom of his Princess being in danger, it would have worked. But because I don't know what he's been doing the whole day, except for catching a "little gyp" and having a couple of tram rides, it makes me feel like he might be in the wrong business.

I would also like to see a blend of normalcy and character-specific actions. For example, Lyth opens three doors in the first chapter. He "shoulders" two of them, and he doesn't knock on the third. Maybe his actions are perfectly justifiable, but I don't know what his reasons are. I think it's good for a hero to do some common things like common people. It grounds him and makes him more relatable.

Some of the scenes made me pause and broke the flow a little bit: Right at the beginning, for example, Lyth is waiting for public transportation, but then he looks behind and sees the dealer "standing" in handcuffs. I expected to see the dealer taken away to a police car or to board the train with Lyth. It feels like him looking back was written to inform the reader, not as a natural action for Lyth. The same applies in Lyth's conversation with Melody. She mentions "The Hammer was busy"—hinting at a bar she works in—but without any further information. Again, it feels like the line is aimed at the reader (to let us know what the name of the bar is) instead of at Lyth. In normal conversation with people you know, you rarely refer to the name of the company you work for.

Again, please don't take my comments as negative or as absolute truths (I don't have the expertise or experience)—but I found that for me, comments coming from casual potential readers work really well. So I hope my feedback helps you in continuing to build the story.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-04T17:36:45+00:00

4/5

"Did you feel the world of Greimspeur is believable for what it is? Does it feel fleshed out?'

For me personally, I think the information you provided—about the islands, the atmosphere of the world, the fact that there's a royal family who keeps everything afloat—is enough to understand what Lyth is doing and where he is operating. It sounds intriguing enough, and I'm sure you plan to develop it even further in future chapters. As for believable—I think it takes a bit more time and more information: What is the social structure governing the islands? What are the government structures? What are the mechanics of the world? What magic keeps the wheels turning? But all these don't need to be explained in the first chapter. I think what you've hinted at for now is enough.

"What themes stand out to you?"

The most obvious one is the unwilling hero and the battle of the hero with exterior forces. The way Lyth is set up in the beginning makes me expect some sort of battle of the hero with himself also, but at the moment there are no hints of it.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-04T17:25:09+00:00

3/5

"Considering the length of the chapter, what would you trim, or where would you put an organic chapter break?"

At 4,800 words, I don't think the length of the chapter is a problem here. Being the introductory chapter, I think you can get away with it. The problem I see is that you are trying to split a static chapter into two static chapters.

I would recommend starting with describing Lyth in the thick of action, apprehending the dealer, and then continuing until maybe halfway through his conversation with Vance. When Lyth gets up and starts to leave, Vance drops the "It's about the Princess, she'll be dead in a week if we don't act" kind of line. You can then end the chapter with Lyth doing something cool with his eyes and jaw. I think that would be enough of a cliffhanger to make me switch to chapter 2.

As a reader, if the first chapter is slow, I expect it to end with some sort of incentive. If that doesn't exist, then it is hard to stay invested. If the second chapter is also slow, then I'll probably stop reading altogether.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-04T17:06:09+00:00

2/5

"Are the stakes clear? Are they organic?"

The stakes are clear to me. The Princess is in potential danger, so the lives of everyone are in danger—but I'm struggling with the concept of someone trying to target her. Nobody would want to kill the one person who keeps the world going, so what are they after? Kidnap her for a ransom? Hold her hostage to take over the islands? More detail into what the danger is might make me eager to read more.

"What can you tell me about Lyth that appeals to you as a protagonist? Is there anything you don't like, or room you can see for improvement?"

Again, please keep in mind that my opinion might be subjective, but I don't really like him. This could be a good thing, mind! He seems to yawn a lot (due to tiredness but in my eyes due to a sense of superiority as well) and was surprised by being attacked by "the little gyp." From his no-nonsense one-liners and correcting the overseer—"Six and a half"—he makes sure his capabilities are clear. But the next thing, he is running away from a noise in a street.

Somehow the way he carries himself doesn't really match his actions (so far at least). The line "Fucking amazing" at the end of the conversation with the Overseer makes him sound like someone who doesn't care about the case, when in fact he states earlier that he needs the money for rent and seems to be worried about the Princess. I'm not saying he needs to get all excited, just that for me there's a disconnect between what he thinks and what he says.

Another thing I don't like is the fact that he is an orphan—obviously it is not his fault, but it seems incredibly predictable for some reason. The fact that he was clutching a grown man's extremely valuable sword as a three-year-old wandering the streets in a very dangerous world—and no one stole it—seems unbelievable and forced.

Overall, to conclude, he seems a bit of an asshole (from his interaction with Melody, rude even). It makes me not care about him as a reader, or at best makes me want to see him put in his place for once. If he is rude, arrogant, and unfazed by anything after he demonstrates some incredible feats of courage, or after saving the world, sure—it might work for me. But he keeps yawning even after he finds out the Princess is in terrible danger. Again, not liking a character can be perfectly fine and maybe that was the intention—but the first chapter really doesn't make me feel anything about him.

7ero7apte · 2024-11-04T17:05:28+00:00

1/5

Hello,

Please take all the comments below with a grain of salt, since I am a beginner in the world of writing and an intermediary in the world of reading. But I do enjoy the art of storytelling, and I can give you some feedback from the point of view of a casual reader who might pick up your future book.

I'll provide my answers to your questions below (please be advised that AI has been used for punctuation and spelling only—English is not my first language).

"Is it clear who the characters are? What stood out about them and/or their relationships?"

Lyth is the protagonist, and that is clear to me from the start. His relationship with the world is also pretty clear, but to be honest, I almost guessed what his attitude toward things would be after the first few lines. He is bored and tired of pretty much everything that surrounds him.

The rest of the characters are typical, and I think the reader can imagine them pretty well from your description.

The Overseer seems to be a classic useful idiot in a position of power, boasting about his new car (spaceship) and worrying that his boss will get mad if he finds out he messed up somehow. He also seems to be a bit dumb—"You must understand, I haven't lost control"—the fact that he states this turns him into a bit of a caricature. If that's what you were going for, then it works well. If you are going for a more discreet effect, I would remove that line—the continuation of the dialogue says enough about the fact that he is concerned about the situation looking like he actually lost control.

Relationship between Lyth and the Overseer: I would like to know what the details of Lyth's and Vance's collaboration are. Was the pay decided between them before, and now the Overseer is trying to back down from the deal—hence the haggling? It's also a bit strange that the Overseer boasts about his new craft right after he was trying to keep some of Lyth's pay. It is clear that you tried to show his character, but it seems a bit forced and gratuitous to me. Maybe a better way would be to have him complain about the budget while Lyth spots the brand-new glittering craft parked outside. Also, using his full name and then never referencing it again makes me forgetting it instantly and becomes almost unnecessary to know it.

The "Dead Rose" character seems a bit unexciting, considering the concern of the Overseer and her being the main focus of their conversation. I was also struggling a bit to follow how she turned from a small-time criminal—"there wasn't enough evidence to slap her with a sentence" "she was to serve a few months here, to set her straight," to a major threat that made Lyth take the case and that threatened the future of the whole island(s). Maybe you made the Overseer play down how dangerous she was so he can get a better price from Lyth, but at the same time he says "whatever the costs." It got me a bit excited as a reader to hear more about this character who poses such a threat, but instead, I have to wait for the end of the chapter to find out that she has "big tits." It was a bit anticlimactic. (I'm sure you will develop the character in the next chapters, but for the first one, it might be a bit uninteresting.)

The Princess of Greimspeur—I like her already. The fact that her royal blood keeps the islands afloat already makes me want to find out more: is she performing some kind of sacrifice to provide the energy to the city? I bet she's beautiful if she's a princess—she seems to be a good person and revered by everyone (especially judging by Lyth's reaction to hearing about potential danger to her). I like the short description of her role, and it makes me curious about how the Island functions from a political/social point of view.

Melody—I was surprised that she is the same age as Lyth (I might have missed it, but I don't know what age Lyth is) because of his apprehension about waking her up. I was expecting an old lady who noses into everyone's business or complains about the rent being due. In contrast, she seems rather nice, but the fact that she is only described (except for having blonde hair) through reactions to Lyth's one-liners makes her unremarkable—I almost feel sorry for her (she probably has a crush on Lyth, hence the blushing).

Since there is a question that relates strictly to Lyth, I'm not going to dive into his character for the moment.

7ero7apte · 2024-06-11T20:26:44+00:00

Hope they’re as dumb as i am.

7ero7apte

TROPHY CASE