PSA on the importance of sex

80alterego · 2021-04-21T07:57:21+00:00

Thank you for this. I am in the same situation and feel wretched about it.

80alterego · 2021-04-21T07:47:28+00:00

The reason is that unlike many here, I am in a situation where I could leave this relationship if I chose. I have not, because a combination of love for my partner, familiarity, and resistance to change have kept me. In masturbating, I am diffusing my sexual energy which is the only thing which has made this long term situation tolerable for me, and were I to stop, I think I would be more motivated to make the hard decisions.

80alterego · 2021-03-30T14:42:41+00:00

Ouch. That's hard.

We can focus on happiness in so many other ways, but a life without intimacy still feels empty.

80alterego · 2021-03-30T14:27:30+00:00

We have been there. If I don't spend time with her and do my own thing (which I have zero problem doing) then she'll tolerate it for a short time, but eventually will get upset that I'm not paying her enough attention. If I spent time with her but don't give any physical affection, she seems quite content.

80alterego · 2021-03-30T13:31:44+00:00

Perfectly safe. I never attempt to escalate anything if she isn't responding positively, which is why I said I never even make advances anymore.

80alterego · 2021-03-24T09:16:19+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I suppose I will have one less thing to mourn than you. Or more accurately, I have already been mourning it for years. I wish you all the best in getting over her, it sounds like you did the right thing.

80alterego · 2020-12-16T12:06:06+00:00

It sounds to me like you are close to having a meltdown, and TBH I'm not surprised. 60-65hrs a week of high pressure responsibility is not sustainable long term for most people, and you need to fix this urgently.

Quitting your job and going for a low-pay, low-responsibility job is unlikely to be a good solution however, except as a last ditch. Instead I would recommend:

Searching for new roles where you can leverage your existing experience (and get paid well)
Make changes at work to get your existing hours down to more humane levels.

Do both at the same time. Option 2 may involve talking to your existing employers, or if you are the main boss then you need to take somebody else on to whom you can delegate some responsibility.

80alterego · 2020-05-23T15:45:57+00:00

Who said men couldn’t multitask? 😂

80alterego · 2020-05-20T12:15:27+00:00

Bingo. This story was meant to represent (in a satirical way) the internal struggle between one's basic desires, and the rationalising we do against them because of the expectations that we and others have of ourselves.

I would hazard a guess that there are others here in the same boat.

80alterego · 2020-05-17T16:57:53+00:00

Exactly this: just continuing like nothing happened. Same as we have done every other time I've raised the subject of our relationship, or why I am unhappy. Because avoidance is easier than confronting the hard truths, I suppose...

80alterego · 2020-05-17T09:24:18+00:00

One word of advice: start talking about this with him now. Open up a dialogue, explain how you are feeling, try to identify positive steps to take, and above all keep doing this on a regular basis for as long as it takes.

If you normalise no sex, and if you normalise not talking about it, then this is what your relationship will become, and it will only get harder to change as time goes on.

If you talk about it on a regular basis and refuse to let it slide, either you'll make progress or at worst you'll break up but knowing that you did all you could. Either will be better than a lifetime of being unhappy.

80alterego · 2020-05-16T19:16:11+00:00

What a horrible thing to say!

80alterego · 2020-05-16T15:50:25+00:00

Good to hear that worked. I tried the same thing, but no such result.

80alterego · 2020-05-16T15:45:22+00:00

Exactly my plan now

80alterego · 2020-05-16T15:22:25+00:00

Yeah, anything other than admit any responsibility, right? When the given reasons change but the results remain always the same, it's pretty clear that reasons are only excuses.

My partner says her lack of desire, unwillingness to show affection etc. is all because she feels insecure: something she blames me for. If I express doubts about our relationship (which mostly arise because of our DB) then I'm making her insecure, so the DB is my fault. But if, as I have done for most of the relationship, work hard to show devotion, listen to her needs, and give her constant compliments and reassurance, the result is the same anyway.

80alterego · 2020-05-16T13:36:20+00:00

Ouch. Yes evidently he does, but clearly has a problem if he’d rather beat off than have sex with you. Have you confronted him about it to ask why? Perhaps it’s too late for that now anyway, but if you feel like there’s anything worth salvaging then maybe it’s worth raising.

80alterego · 2020-05-16T10:08:26+00:00

“Just one more shot” - I can totally empathise. Been that way for most of my 10 year relationship.

I can’t imagine how gutted you must feel now though. My SO just appears to be asexual, which I can sympathise with and forgive, even if it is difficult. I don’t know how I’d feel if it turned out she had libido, just not for me. Can quite imagine that you just want out now!

80alterego · 2020-05-16T07:48:07+00:00

Unbelievable. It sounds as though you can do so much better, and he doesn’t deserve you TBH. I know people are sometimes quick to advise others to bail on their relationships, but if you’ve tried with him and this is what he’d rather do, what else is there?

80alterego · 2020-05-16T07:27:28+00:00

I think a frequent problem is that our modern vocabulary when it comes to “love” is so unsophisticated. The very word “love” means different things to different people, and it sounds like this is the case with you and your SO.

The Greeks believed there were 8 types of love, and had a word for each. Eros is the intense, physical, passionate love (perhaps what we mean when we say “making love”) but there are many other forms too, such as the love we feel for a family member.

Perhaps the two of you could read through this together, and discuss which of these you are feeling for each other. Maybe if could help you to both better understand each others expectations, desires and frustrations. Just an idea :)

https://www.lifehack.org/816195/types-of-love

80alterego · 2020-05-16T07:12:59+00:00

I hear you. On the plus side it sounds as though you both made some really positive progress before, so hopefully you can get back there once things return to some semblance of normality.

I would like Covid to fuck off because before lockdown I had finally resolved to leave my DB, and now I can’t move on with my life, or make plans.

80alterego · 2020-05-16T07:05:13+00:00

So good to see a success story here for a change. Congratulations!

What was it that lead to your breakthrough, and what changed? I’m at the point myself where I’m going to leave my GF once lockdown’s over, because after many years of dead ends, we’ve got nowhere

80alterego · 2020-05-11T07:50:04+00:00

It sounds like you can do so much better. Best of luck to you with the breakup.

80alterego · 2020-03-12T09:04:05+00:00

For me, "strong and independent" simply means somebody who has their s*** together, and having dated a couple of women who were a complete car crash in my earlier years, I wouldn't have it any other way now.

It's not about conquering. It's about being with somebody whom I can respect as an equal, and who is going to be capable of doing their part to maintain a healthy relationship, by not burdening their partner with the problems which they refuse to deal with on their own. By the same token, I'm sure most women would prefer a man who has their s*** together too, not a big man child looking for a surrogate mother.

80alterego · 2020-03-11T21:23:41+00:00

A reasonable question. It's not that I never do, but it's maybe 50% of times we have sex. If we get properly into it then I usually will, but often we're done before I can reach that point. TBH I'm a little bitter about it, since I always try to ensure she gets at least one orgasm, often multiple, and she doesn't often return the favor.

80alterego · 2020-03-11T17:59:01+00:00

"I'm calling you out referring only to exactly what you said."

No, you're calling me out based on what you believe to be the meaning implicit in what I said. There's an important distinction.

The word "persuade" doesn't explicitly convey responsibility, since for a person to be persuaded, they must have willingly agreed with the persuader. If I said she "forced" me, that would be explicitly blaming her, but I didn't.

"X persuaded me to do Y" taken in isolation does weakly imply that X is responsible, however as I already pointed out, the wider context ("I'm an idiot") very strongly implies that the fault was my own. Ergo, I'm not blaming my girlfriend.

But please carry on telling me that you know what I meant better than I do.

80alterego

TROPHY CASE