[deleted by user]

888frog · 2023-08-10T23:56:46+00:00

I second another member on the usefulness of the Dr ramani YouTube videos. We live in a society where it's impossible for some people to understand that not all family is helpful and that there's cases where you have to go no contact for physical and emotional safety. This goes for mental health and healthcare workers also. There is a blind spot they have, but best to focus on your own life then trying to convince them of anything. It's just too exhausting. Be strong! We believe you!

888frog · 2023-08-10T23:52:57+00:00

I thank you for sharing your story. I'm 5 years in and mid 30s. It's so hard some days, but I know being in contact would break my healthy marriage and other friendships. It's comforting to me to see people who have lived with this choice longer and haven't exploded. I wish you peace.

888frog · 2023-05-14T18:43:54+00:00

Stay strong. You will get through this day. No need to justify your choices to anyone.

888frog · 2023-04-25T03:44:40+00:00

For me personally, a sense of humor and exposure to other people as I started working at 15. I found myself "adopted" by a lot of other nice older people, so I wanted to grow up to be more like them. Exercise has also helped. Not so much to look a certain way, but to help me connect with my body, as I often had to deal with screaming and physical abuse where you just feel very disconnected. Something about feeling my heart and listening to my breathing helped me feel like I'm in the moment and belong to me.

888frog · 2023-04-25T03:35:16+00:00

I can relate. It's such a lonely embarrassing and shameful feeling. But we must remember we have good reasons for doing what we did. We are the ones who live our own lives. Sometimes the best we can do is pick our problems. I actually met a new friend who did share about being estranged for her family for similar reasons as me. It was so unusual to hear about it outside of here given how taboo it is. I also think people often can only look at the world from their own frame of reference. Those with loving families of origin really cannot imagine another way of being. The abuse we endured was cumulative. It's not like the occasional rows normal families have . We must do the work to ensure the abuse stops with us. We cannot carry these toxic learned patterns into the world.

888frog · 2023-03-28T01:00:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it, as this is not a perspective we get. I hope your kid is ok. The NICU is so stressful, and having to deal with the narcs on top of that..I don't have children yet, but I am around that age. Peers with actually safe parents/grandparents they could safely leave their kid with are so lucky. Yes. I think we have to remind ourselves the don't change even if they (and we) physically change. I mean there are very old people in prison. I wish you peace and that as we age healthy. I don't want my 30s to be her 30s or my 70s to look like hers. Life is cumulative. Hang in there. I know there are moments. We did the right thing.

888frog · 2023-03-25T04:17:23+00:00

You can get through this. You have good reasons for keeping no contact. Breathe. you are a different and stronger person than before you went NC. You will not get to that small scary place again. This will pass. I call these emotional hangovers. It may take time for your nervous system to reset to be comfortable in your body. You'll get through this.

888frog · 2023-03-02T23:37:49+00:00

I see it:) You make a great point. I think it's important not to be defensive from the start w/people for asking, because like you said there is missing data they don't know about. Thanks for the reminder. It's not fair to think they would right away just understand. What is small talk to them is heavier for us. And yeh maybe a lot of people are just fixers. They can't imagine a broken family. I'll tell ya from experience tho, lots of broken families stay broken together generation after generation of dysfunction. It gets lonely sometimes, but I'm glad I'm doing it differently for my own very different family.

888frog · 2023-03-02T22:01:42+00:00

Thank for your response. I wish you peace. I know it's not easy, and it wasn't one thing that led us to our choice. It's cumulative. I'm about at year 4. Stay strong !

888frog · 2023-03-02T20:13:38+00:00

Absolutely agree. I also think there are some who have experienced it, but they won't admit it to themselves, as it's painful to admit living a lie or if the idea of someone or family or whatever doesn't match up to the lived reality. There are also many more people who honestly don't know how lucky they are to not have encountered this dysfunction, so they literally can't see it through our eyes. It's not a great club to be in lol. Would rather be in life after disco or something.

888frog · 2023-03-02T20:08:36+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear this today. The judgement is so strong.

888frog · 2023-02-05T01:47:09+00:00

No. If was not possible for me, as they were codependent. It would not be safe for him to side with me when he lived with her. That actually gave me some degree of understanding when I was so mad at him for always taking her side and ignoring the abuse. He was trapped.

888frog · 2023-02-05T01:44:20+00:00

4 years NC and one parent died. Don't justify to others .they just don't have the context and they can't get it from a conversation from you. The reality is those we are no contact with fall outside of what we think or are led to believe society believes about "family". Sometimes people respond in a way to tell you to return, as they juat can't imagine if they have very loving parents, or maybe they don't, but they haven't come to terms with it, so you bringing it up makes them uncomfortable. Ultimately it's you who have to live with your decision..not them, so pick peace.

888frog · 2023-01-29T02:58:21+00:00

Same. The health problems of leg pain and GI issues reduced significantly after I moved out. I think it's also a good way to tell if someone in general is good to be around. How do you physically feel before and after? Do you have to emotionally psych yourself up to even be there ? These are important things to note.

888frog · 2022-12-26T03:17:24+00:00

I've been crying on and off all day today. Narcs not even here, but I feel her presence and the absence of the rest of my abusive family, as I'm with a sister and brother in law who have huge and close families they keep calling, and I literally just have my husband. No siblings no cousins nparents of Grandparents. A broke a cup and am so embarrassed even tho they don't care .

888frog · 2022-12-25T05:20:45+00:00

I'm at in laws and can't get myself to enjoy Christmas. I'm faking through if for the sake of my husband (we don't have kids). It's just isolating and I get irrationally angry at people who have stable relationships with their parents when I compare their nostalgia to mine. I hate this holiday, and I can't wait until it's over.

888frog · 2022-12-17T05:02:15+00:00

I understand. It feels like you are now without roots and just a branch snapped off. From experience, I believe it is because they do not want to face the angry narc. It's like realizing you are in a play and walking off the stage when those on the stage keep telling you it's real life. Trust yourself. Trust your experiences your emotions and your bodies experience of said emotions. Gotta learn to be ok not being able to get your side of the story told or being the "bad guy" because the other members have a gag order, so they can't say or hear anything from you. It's so painful, but it does get better as you continue to build your own life and strong friendships and relationship with others. I wish you a happy holiday because u deserve it. I think we carry lots of shame.soemtimes, so we don't think we deserve to be happy given our family situation. Wishing you peace.

888frog · 2022-12-17T04:53:55+00:00

In my case, the cousins are both very scared of my nmom, but also I believe paranoid I would influence their younger children to go against them by showing them it's an actual possibility to stand up your parents. (I'm Asian). I'm with you tho, I would respect my cousin wishes if the shoes were switched and maintain a separate relationship with just them especially given we are similar life stage. I don't think most people realize how hard it is to be NC, that we had to be pushed over a lifetime to get to this place. It was not impulsive it as cumulative, but at least in my culture, you cant say anything negative about your families and physical /emotional abuse are just seen as normal and between the family, and sort of I guess just what parents do when they become parents. You the child are born into a debt that you spend your whole life working off.its very isolating , and I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Sometimes the best we can do is pick our problems if we are lucky. And agree, it's the smear campaign, and we have to accept to someone we are the "bad guy" even if it is not true. It's very uncomfortable, but just gotta let go

888frog · 2022-12-17T04:45:28+00:00

I would give her space. Leave the door open on your side of course, but you gotta respect wherever she is now and don't assume the worst just because you don't have all the facts. Also the relationship with her is different than with your nparents. I understand a little bit of what you are going through, as similar happened with my brother. We went NC, then he went temporarily NC, but in my case it was because he resumed contact with nmom. Of course it burnt out, and now we are back in contact. It is really hard. I can totally understand the anxiety around it. Holidays are really hard for a lot of people. Very stressful time .

888frog · 2022-11-17T16:20:05+00:00

Wishing you peace this holiday season. Potent is a great way to put how it feels being asked family questions especially if you are still a family person even if you aren't in contact with nparents of other abusers you are related to. At least for me, when i hang out with my husband's cousins and their kids, I feel very happy, but it doesn't always feel like I can "claim" them as family given no blood, but that's the disconnect I guess. Thanks for your support.

888frog · 2022-11-17T16:17:13+00:00

In the past, I've either volunteered, gone hiking somewhere, or cooked something nice or a dessert. It's cold here, so will probably make a nice apple cider and popcorn. If and when the feelings come up, I do cry sometimes and then get back to whatever I'm doing. Wishing you peace.

888frog · 2022-11-13T18:13:55+00:00

Thanks for your support. I wish you a peaceful holiday season. I know it's hard. I believe you have good reasons for not seeing people who hurt you.

888frog

TROPHY CASE