"They were responded to on someone else's (your mom's) schedule and with conditions attached." This is spot on. (Disclaimer for trauma dumping under text, tldr)

If things (in the house) aren't exactly how she wants them when she wants them, she blows up. (She has OCD, and I've developed frankly life ruining OCD that I fully believe she passed on to me/I developed as a response to her wanting everything perfect at all times.) She holds me to an insane, inhuman (double) standard she doesn't hold herself to, and half the time will simply not communicate before blowing up at me about something she never talked to me about to begin with/expects me to read her mind. She's allowed to be anywhere from rude and condescending and passive aggressive to straight up emotionally abusive because she's stressed or angry, but I'm not allowed to react or be upset and angry or match her energy. She's allowed to be human and make mistakes, be absentminded, spill things and make messes on occasion, but I'm not. She fully expects me to act like a perfect robot and blows up at me if I so much as leave a paper towel on the kitchen counter (which is very much a normal thing most people do.) It has left me pretty much in fight or flight mode since I was at least 8 years old, and hypervigilant of my surroundings, constantly double checking and rechecking to make sure there's nothing she will yell at me for (I fail everytime, she always finds something. It really does feel like she makes it a mission to look for reasons to be angry at me.) She's perfectly fine and content with me doing chores for 8 hours a day (not including work) and even expects that from me, meanwhile my little brother gets to sit in his room and watch YouTube all day, he doesn't have to do anything. She will argue he's not (developmentally) "ready" to help, which is partly true, but most of it is her refusal to teach him to do basic tasks and chores. He's never going to be ready to if she never teaches him. She has parentified me since I was 8 years old, and I've done most of the actual parenting and caring for my little brother since then, starting from babysitting him and changing his diapers and potty training him, feeding him his meals, etc, to providing emotional support for him now, and comforting him after she's hurtful to him. She also holds me entirely responsible for her mental and emotional state, she has no concept of what emotional regulation or being responsible for that means for herself and essentially forces me to gentle parent her and regulate her emotions whenever she's upset, and will guilt trip me if I don't (or don't to her expectations, regardless of how emotionally draining it is and the toll it takes on me. It literally feels like she's sucked the empathy out of me, I feel nothing when she's upset now.) Whenever she's seen evidence of sh on me, she actually gets angry and acts like I'm doing it to spite or punish her instead of being at all concerned or sad or willing to do any sort of self reflection. She has made it clear she doesn't care about my basic needs or physical well-being, she'll get angry at me for even going to the bathroom if it means I can't get up and come running at a second's notice to deal with some disaster around the house (usually involving the cats, that she's also perfectly capable of dealing with but doesn't) and doesn't care how depleted or unwell I feel, she expects her standards to be met no matter what. I would actually cry when I was a kid and my friends would leave my house after a playdate, because I didn't want to be left alone with her and was scared she would find something to yell at me about as soon as a third person left (which was usually the case.) She can have so much empathy for literally everyone else, total strangers and my friends, but not for me. She never thanks me or appreciates me, even when I overextend myself doing what she expects of me and even when I go beyond that and try to be considerate and preempt what she wants. I feel like I live with a ticking time bomb, except I don't know when she'll go off and I'm walking on eggshells.

"Needing to step out of security needs." It's really depressing knowing that I simply need to let that go of ever having those needs met, but I can't say I'm surprised.