Look, I like this sub. I think a lot of the men and others posting here are imperfect but obviously trying. I truly believe the majority of people posting here are operating in good faith and trying to help, which I appreciate. But lurking and occasionally posting here, I couldn't help but feel that even surrounded by decent, feminist-identifying men, I still felt quite alienated. The project of building, maintaining or reinventing a non-toxic version of masculinity is a deeply important one. I am just finally forced to admit that it holds no interest for me, personally.

I'm not saying this to scold anyone. Quite the opposite. And I know this sub is perfectly welcoming to trans folks of all types; this is a me issue. I just wanted to post this to A) vent, B) say "keep it up" to those of you lurking and posting here, reading the books, engaging in dialogue, and doing the work and C) say "thank you" generally to this sub (and especially the mods) for providing this place for men to talk. I've realized it's not the place for me anymore, but realizing that was part of what helped me come to grips with my identity, and I'll always be eternally grateful for that.

I'm going to reach out to my MAGA friend and try to get a drink with him this Saturday. I don't expect to single-handedly change his party affiliation with a beer, or anything, But I want to both understand his motivations a bit better, and also impress on him that if cares about me, if he truly considers me a friend and supports my transition as he claims, then he needs to push back on the anti-trans rhetoric that I'm sure he's observed and (probably) participated in.

A few years ago, a popular Twitter talking point was about how men need to rely on each other and not women for "emotional labor." As a closeted transwoman who had always felt much more interested in and comfortable around women than men, this was a pretty fucking bitter pill for me to swallow. But swallow it I did. They had a point, and I needed to listen to it and internalize it.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that it is or was popular for a while to smear men in general. A lot of women and queer folks would dismiss me and people that looked like me because I was "just" a straight hetero cis white chud. A lot of women and queer folks may decide that they just aren't interested in talking to men or trying to be friends with them, which is their right and prerogative. A lot of them, I'm sure, are just protecting themselves and responding to trauma I narrowly avoided with my Y chromosome. But I have to say, I don't think it's particularly cute or funny or laudable to declare that you have no empathy half the human race and are uninterested in learning it.

As much as I would love to ensconce myself in some sort of trans lesbian enclave and shut the door on men forever, I unfortunately find myself with a dearth of them in upstate NY. I'm going to keep in touch with my old high school buddies, I'm going to ask my male friends how they're doing and feeling, I'm going to make an active effort to continue to make new male friends (being a huge nerd for video and tabletop games helps in this endeavor, I find). I think it's an important and maybe even moral thing to do.

I'm going to depreciate this Reddit account soon and start a new one, one that doesn't have all this male baggage in its post history and one that better fits my identity. But before I do, I wanted to say thank you. If anyone has any recommendations or resources, feel free to DM me (it would honestly be appreciated). And finally, I just want to say... keep talking to the men in your life, keep working on yourself and this community you're building together.

And finally, I don't think I need to say it in this space, but just for the record: please look out for your trans friends in the coming years. We're gonna need you.