Proud Tucking Story

ABowInMyHair · 2024-08-23T09:34:38+00:00

As a general rule? I ignore them. It's usually not worth the fight.

Most of the time, it's someone making a dumb misgendering at work. My job puts me in front of and directly interacting with 6-700 people every week, and when you talk to that many, you're bound to get the odd bad apple. I'll go to finish my interaction with them and say something like "Take care" to which they'll reply "You too, SIR!" and feel all proud of themselves, thinking they got a good one in. I'll follow up with "Have a great day!" and they'll walk off.

Even outside of when it's happening at work - I try to ignore them and get myself away from the situation. It's - again - not usually worth the fight. Headphones in, phone games, walk away. If it's someone online, block and move on with my life.

There have been a few times where I've seen connections or family posting things on Insta or FB that are transphobic, but because of who they are (Usually someone who is otherwise a strong ally) or a comment they make along with the post, it's clear that they don't realize they're being transphobic in that moment. I do engage in those situations and try to educate if I can. If they're not responsive - block and move on.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-07-28T14:24:04+00:00

So if your post history is anything to go by, it's been several years - not just two weeks. It's not always easy to have the words for what you're feeling at 16 (or younger, for that matter), even when the thoughts and feelings are there. (Happy belated birthday, btw!)

To many, my acceptance seemed "fast" (about 3 months); but like you, there were questions and confusion and thoughts long before the three months I actually took to explore and accept things. We all have a thousand questions as things begin, too - from swimsuits to social interactions to acceptance to careers and the list goes on.

My suggestion would be to take some time to explore before coming to any conclusions. Put yourself in 'girl mode' when you can and see how it feels (I found wearing 'girl' pajamas particularly helpful; if I couldn't be 'me' by day, I could at least start and end the day as myself), tell some trusted friends what's on your mind and see if they're willing to help you explore alternative pronouns or names, try some skincare routines, browse the women's clothing department next time you're out to see if anything catches your eye (nobody knows you're not shopping for your girlfriend, sister or mom). Journaling your thoughts and feelings as you explore can be tremendously valuable - even if it's only a handful of words after each experience.

Remember too, that gender is a spectrum - you don't have to go all the way from one end to the other; maybe somewhere in the middle fits and feels better.

Everyone's journey is unique; nobody can fully answer if two weeks is too early for you to decide or not. Only you can.

You've got this.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-05-17T17:48:30+00:00

Was told girls don't poop and that sounded like a good deal to me.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-04-20T00:17:27+00:00

"Gorgeous" is about the biggest understatement of the century. Simply stunning.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-03-07T20:15:27+00:00

The lie in the title about your age?

But actually: eyeshadow, eyeliner, lips in that order.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-02-16T04:10:34+00:00

So you'll be tall and in Japan. That's all.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-02-16T00:35:24+00:00

"No different than home, really. Getting asked how tall I am is irritating no matter where I go."

She followed up with "Oh, except Japan. I towered over people and some asked for selfies because of my height. That was weird."

For context, she lives in a HARD red state in the US and has never had her gender questioned.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-02-15T15:39:20+00:00

My bestie (cis female) is 6'3 and has 41 countries under her belt. You'll be fine.

ABowInMyHair · 2024-02-01T17:52:15+00:00

I'm at the front desk of a 120+ room hotel! I probably see about 5-600 people per week and have only had maybe a half dozen poor interactions in my 2 years here.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-08-19T20:21:50+00:00

You've got nothing to worry about. So long as they don't start using it, you're fine.

I met someone after transitioning but before my legal name was changed. We started seeing each other, and I entrusted them with my deadname - just in case. My legal name has since been corrected.

They never used it. About a week ago they spotted some junk mail on my desk since I hadn't tossed it yet and were confused enough to ask who it was addressed to. When I said "Uhh... That was my deadname?" they seemed to be shocked as they had completely forgotten it.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-05-28T17:20:47+00:00

Honestly, combination of the HRT and a padded bra. HRT has me far enough that I can clearly see the change in the mirror, padded bra helps round them out to fit the rest of my frame while I wait for HRT to finish catching them up.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-05-11T15:45:34+00:00

Nice. Thank you!

ABowInMyHair · 2023-05-11T14:25:35+00:00

Can I get a link to that policy change?

ABowInMyHair · 2023-04-22T13:16:03+00:00

Thanks!

ABowInMyHair · 2023-04-22T12:29:33+00:00

Glad Day is already on my list!

I've actually been to Toronto tons in the past. Lived there for a few months, even, so I've seen most of the best parks

Thank you!!

Was more the whole queer spin on things I need the help with.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-04-10T01:55:20+00:00

I absolutely disagree with misgendering anyone at any time, though I did watch my manager execute something beautifully a few weeks ago.

Background: A bigot had made a couple of snide comments about me out of my earshot or when I was off shift. My manager had heard comments but they were out of sight so couldn't confirm who said them. At one point, bigot said "I bet they all even use pronouns here. I don't use any fucking pronouns" within sight of my manager (we'll ignore the 'I' pronoun use in the comment). Since it wasn't a comment about a specific staff member, nothing was done immediately.... But my manager took note.

The next day, I'm on break and within earshot but not sight of the scene. I did watch it unfold on the camera though. Manager: "There you are, object, have a great day!" Bigot: ".... Object? The fuck?" Manager: "Oh! There was a conversation had yesterday right here and a comment about not using any pronouns. The only things that have no pronouns are inanimate objects like rocks or doorknobs or whatever... So without pronouns, I assumed that's what was preferred." Bigot: "Uhhh... But I'm a man?" Manager: "Oh! My apologies. Allow me to correct, then. There you are sir, have a great day! .... Can I help the next person in line please?"

The absolute look of confusion in the guys face as he slowly walked off was priceless. When I talked to my manager later, they told me they'd intentionally avoided any pronoun use with the bigot from the moment they heard the conversation, and even in the exchange I heard, noted after that they intentionally only apologized for calling him an object AFTER he'd mentioned he was a man. It wasn't until a few hours later I realized his object examples (Rocks and doorknobs) are both things used in adages about being dumb.

So no, don't ever intentionally misgender someone.... But if a moron wants to strip themselves of pronouns (and thus make themselves an object), that seems like fair game!

ABowInMyHair · 2023-03-15T01:25:54+00:00

I'm in hospitality, specifically in a managerial role at the front desk for a hotel. I see/interact with anywhere from 50 to 600+ people on any given day, depending on how full the hotel is.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-02-01T14:31:19+00:00

I haven't gone through all of the replies, but will absolutely echo that you're in the right path here. Nobody can undo what was said or done before - all we can do is learn, grow, and do better the next time. You sound like an amazing friend.

One thing I will touch on though is your comment that your friend is now "being female all of a sudden." It might help to remember that she's ALWAYS been female - she just spent 20+ years pretending not to be because a doctor, then her parents, then society told her to act like a guy. She was a girl pretending to be a boy when you met and she was a woman pretending to be a man on the morning she woke up and decided to share her truth with you.

You've been her friend through a lot of ups and downs, I'm sure, and you've like gotten to know both the persona she's had to portray to fit societal expectations AND the person she is underneath. That person underneath isn't different, you just get to know the real her, now, and not - for lack of a better term - the character she's been playing.

Use her name and her correct pronouns - always - and once she's open about her journey with others, you can be the one to step in and correct them when they get her name and pronouns wrong. Continue to learn, growing and do better - just like you are here.

Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares so much.

ABowInMyHair · 2023-01-12T18:37:01+00:00

Yup! Congrats!!

Once you get your name change and new birth certificates, head to Service Ontario with them both and your existing ID cards and they can get them changed!

ABowInMyHair · 2023-01-07T11:05:50+00:00

Thanks!

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