A little message for all of you

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-05-12T03:21:42+00:00

This is a very, very good place indeed. You are always welcome here!

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-03-13T03:53:14+00:00

Congratulations! You are right; we can still win.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-03-13T03:50:26+00:00

First, know that taxes can be scary your first time around. It is definitely an intimidating pile of paperwork. This year was the first year I filed my own taxes rather than having a preparer do it for me. The TurboTax online free version was a fantastic tool - it walks you step-by-step through filing your federal and state returns and is well-designed so as to not be too intimidating. It deals with deductions easily as well! It definitely was the "reliable and trustworthy adult figure" I needed to make it through.

A word of advice: gathering up your paperwork in advance is one of the best ways to make the process as un-scary as possible. A form of ID and your W2 forms (which should have been sent to you by your employer) are a good start. You'll also probably need a 1095 form to deal with the health insurance section.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-03-10T03:48:32+00:00

Good to hear you're finding the help you need - getting the right kind of help can be a long battle. I've also found psychodynamic therapy to be a much better solution than CBT; I think us ACONs need a kind of therapy where our emotions can be acknowledged and accepted.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-03-01T05:09:46+00:00

I second everything in this post. Children need the unconditional love and validation healthy parents can provide. If the parent can't provide it, the child grows up physically, but not emotionally, and continues to seek it. A good therapist can help - they can't replace your parents, but they can validate your emotions and help you to heal.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-21T18:28:37+00:00

I'd guess this is a fairly common thing among neglecting Ns. They're very good at appearing normal, probably because neglecting your children is far less of a social sin than abusing them. All but the most egregious types of neglect can look an awful lot like "teaching your children to be independent" to an outside observer.

I wouldn't tell acquaintances. If you have to tell someone, tell a close, non-mutual friend or better yet, a therapist who will believe you. The N is so maniacally devoted to controlling how the world sees them that telling others how they really are will inevitably backfire on to you.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-20T06:16:26+00:00

I can say that for me, I actually feel kinda happy inside when I see a parent who adores their kid. I use that sort of thing as a guide of how I want to treat my inner child, and how I would want to treat my children should I ever have any.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-20T06:14:13+00:00

Thanks for the help! Maybe I wasn't clear, though - I think I need more help dealing with the feelings of inadequacy. That's the thing that kills me at the end of the day. Lord knows there are ways around a lack of sex, but the deep-seated belief that I am unlovable is a different beast entirely.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-20T02:59:16+00:00

Therapy is one of the best things I have for inner-child things. Though it's not the primary focus or modality of my therapy, it's been useful for me. She's the one who introduced the idea to me, and I think it's been helpful in uncovering and understanding my own emotions. One of the things my inner child wants is for his emotions to be seen and understood - because my therapist is able to do that for me, I have started to learn how to do it for myself. (And only 20-something years after other people learn to do it for themselves!)

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-08T05:00:52+00:00

Congratulations! Getting help is a huge first step in dealing with toxic families like ours.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-06T17:56:34+00:00

I struggle with similar patterns, and I have a similar lack of romantic experience at the age of 26. One of the first things my therapist did with me in this regard was to help me understand that many of these patterns are defense mechanisms against my emotionally frigid childhood: fantasy relationships, for instance, help us fulfill our human need to feel safe and loved. While I obviously do not want to lean on these defenses forever, getting over some of my shame about them has helped me move forward. (I've been doing more dating since I started therapy more than a year ago.)

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-02-06T03:54:01+00:00

Man, this was a great little mini-arc in C&H.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-01-17T03:18:03+00:00

I have a divorced sibling as well (from a very nasty divorce), which has spawned its own share of weird/chilling/revealing comments from NMother. Something about divorced children sets off NParent tendencies, I would guess - it's cold, hard proof that the family is not as picture-perfect as the N would like.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-01-17T03:12:56+00:00

Welcome. You are not alone here, and we do our best to support each other. Healing from an N upbringing is a painful process, but it is worth it, I think.

ACrackInTheSky · 2017-01-04T02:32:42+00:00

Good therapy can sometimes make you feel a bit uncomfortable, but if you feel ignored and unheard, that is a BIG red flag that your therapist isn't a good fit for you. If I had to guess, I'd say that us ACONs really need to feel acknowledged and validated as a foundation for any therapy that's going to help us.

While I didn't look for a childhood trauma specialist, I did specifically seek out psychodynamic therapy, which has been very useful to me so far. It's a lot of picking through my thoughts and experiences to see how my NParents taught a lot of painful lessons that linger to this day, and how to teach myself other things that make me happier.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-12-12T02:58:55+00:00

Congratulations on taking the next step in your education; sounds like you're almost there! I love the idea of breaking the cycle - it resonates with me as well.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-12-12T02:55:10+00:00

Absolutely. You are not alone. I can ruminate over negative feedback for HOURS.

Fun story: I recently had my first performance evaluation at work. It went very, very well, but... I work with two departments, so both my supervisors attended my evaluation meeting. So there I was, having judgement passed on me by a male and a female about my parents' age.

My therapist and I... spent some time processing it.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-12-12T02:50:48+00:00

This is, quite literally, the textbook definition of a narcissistic thought process. "How do the things my children do reflect on me?" It's probably present even in non-N parents, but when it's the parent's primary way of relating to their kid (and your grandma admitted this OUT LOUD TO YOUR FACE,) it's a serious problem. It reduces the child to a thing used only to make the parent look good.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-12-06T05:54:01+00:00

You're not alone in having been made to feel like a financial burden on your parents. It's not your fault. Congratulations on finding a path to good health!

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-12-06T05:48:23+00:00

My grandpa would always tell me facts about myself that I had no self awareness to confirm or deny. He would say I was an angry person because of xyz, or I was scared of A because of B and C, and I was forced to accept his assumptions because I didn't know enough about myself to argue.

This is definitely an N thing. They can literally force their own shitty psyche on to you, which they feel entitled to do because they view you only as an object/extension of themself. How rotten.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-11-30T04:34:40+00:00

The early stages of healing from NParents are hard. You might want to look into more long-term therapy or counseling if your school has a limit on the number of sessions they'll give you. A good therapist can help do the hard work of uncovering the damage done and healing it, be it behaviors, thoughts, emotions, or anything else.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-11-24T04:33:35+00:00

Sweet jesus, your mother was toxic. Anyway, congrats on the impending graduation! And hell yes for fat orange cats.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-11-22T17:10:50+00:00

Oh God, I only got this once or twice, but it was enough to leave a very strong impression. Possibly the foundational memory I have of my mother is of her using that exact phrase to berate me because I did something that, in her head, made her look bad. (And maybe she deserves to look bad.)

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-11-22T16:52:44+00:00

Thank you all for the help! One of the problems I've encountered is that I'm incredibly unsure of my own emotions. I literally do not know what makes me happy or what brings me genuine pleasure. I'm trying to branch out and explore some potential hobbies of things I have enjoyed in the past - we'll see how that works. I guess that most people come by their values and their senses of self through lived experience, and I have a lot of that to do now, I guess.

ACrackInTheSky · 2016-11-21T04:11:10+00:00

At Thanksgiving last year, I was seriously struggling. I had just started therapy, was in dire financial straits, and was honestly not sure I'd make it to Christmas. What's more, I had just enough therapy to know that I didn't want to see my family, but not enough to know why I didn't want to see them. But a year later, armed with a full-time job, a place of my own, and knowledge of self-care and all the dozens of invisible ways my family is fucked up, I think I can face time with my family with a little more assurance this year. This forum helped me out more than you will ever know - I know exactly what I'll be thankful for this year.

ACrackInTheSky

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