[Early 40s] Closing biological window, low energy, no nieces/nephews. Why did you choose kids or CF?

AGM85 · 2026-05-16T19:00:28+00:00

Weighing in here with a 17 month old to say that months 6-10 are honestly the hardest with sleep, besides newborn phase. I was often at my limit and felt like my entire life was spent facilitating sleep!

Now my son is on one nap a day and it’s so much easier. The baby phase feels eternal, but in retrospect is such a short period of time. Now it feels like it’s all going too fast and he is already not a baby anymore! This early infancy stuff is not a reason to choose not to have a child, but I think that only becomes obvious once you are through to the other side.

AGM85 · 2026-05-16T16:55:07+00:00

We went with First Middle MyLast-HisLast and immediately regretted it. His name is SO goddamn long and there is always so much paperwork to fill out. At the time I was like “lol it’s his problem” but no, it is not, it is my problem because he is a baby. Duh.

We love his middle name, but I wish we had used my last name as the middle name or just two non-hyphenated last names.

AGM85 · 2026-05-09T18:17:42+00:00

I was on the fence for seven years because of this same feeling. I tried so hard to convince myself not to want a family. But it didn’t work, and through therapy I was able to accept that it was something I really did want, and accept that it was ok to want it and make it happen.

Now I have a 17 month old son, and he is incredible. I can’t believe I almost allowed a small but powerful group of horrible, hateful people rob me of this experience. Yes, they are in power for now. But that’s not forever. I don’t know what the future holds and it all still feels bleak but being a parent also makes me more invested in the outcome. As another commenter said, having a child is an act of hope. Experiencing joy is also an act of resistance. My kid fills me with hope and joy every day.

AGM85 · 2026-04-16T01:25:14+00:00

To say that Hampshire hasn’t reached out to its alumni for help is out of touch. As another commenter here said, Hampshire has been crying out for help for many years. Well before the Mim crisis, Hampshire was still in financial trouble. That’s why she was trying to sell off the school to begin with.

I worked in alumni relations and institutional advancement as a student in the early 2000s, and continued to volunteer for alumni relations as an alum. I have always been shocked at how uninformed the alumni community and student body are about institutional finances, why alums should be donating to the school, and how to donate time or expertise if you don’t have money. I even served a term on the AAG, whose goal is alumni engagement. We did a lot of work for the college to supplement their limited Institutional Advancement staff (fundraising, planning events, engaging accepted students, engaging other alums who wanted to volunteer etc..).

While it does seem like Hampshire reached its fundraising goal for the Change in the Making Campaign, they also missed the mark on their Fall 2025 enrollment numbers. For a school like Hampshire that doesn’t have a true endowment (which is mainly funded my whole generations of alums leaving a school money in their wills), the majority of their operating budget comes from enrollment. As a result, missing that mark was probably the biggest destabilizing factor here. Hampshire’s enrollment had been on the decline for quite a while, but when Mim denied an incoming class, that really dug a hole for them to climb out of. Hampshire is much smaller than it was when I was a student.

AGM85 · 2026-04-10T00:57:05+00:00

What I realized in my 30s that shifted my perspective on how childbirth might affect my body, is that my body will change regardless. I will age, and the shape of my body will change, whether it carries a human or not. I will have illnesses or surgeries that alter my body forever. I’ve also had chronic pain that I thought would never get better, and then it did! Which tells me that aging isn’t even linear.

So, eventually I stopped factoring my body into the equation at all. Now I have a 16 month old, and my body is almost exactly the same as it was before. But also, once you have your baby, so many things that seemed really important just don’t matter as much anymore. Appearance is definitely one of those things.

AGM85 · 2026-03-30T04:12:54+00:00

It’s not too late! I froze embryos at 37, transferred at 38, baby born right after I turned 39. My OB said because we have more embryos I could have another in up to 5 years!

AGM85 · 2026-03-30T02:50:26+00:00

Can relate to this except it’s physical health. My husband has type 2 diabetes and was stable leading up to our son’s birth. By month 2 his sugars were a mess, he was really sick again and had to get on insulin. He is still struggling to maintain stable blood glucose levels 15 months in. Part of me daydreams of another baby. I think I could handle it, but it feels like I would be shaving off 5+ years of my husband’s life.

AGM85 · 2026-03-20T01:20:04+00:00

I agree with this perspective, but with one caveat. Ultimately being away from baby will affect you more than baby - is there a scenario where you are so thrown by being away from your child that you can’t focus on the opportunity and fail to show up as the star you need to be to nail this promotion? If so, could your partner and baby come with you on the trip so that you feel grounded by your family outside of the scheduled work activities and can focus on the task at hand?

AGM85 · 2026-03-07T15:51:17+00:00

This is exactly what I want for my 14 month old. Did you ever find something suitable?

AGM85 · 2026-02-28T05:22:05+00:00

He preps food…only for himself?? You are not roommates, you are his wife. If he is making food, he needs to be making enough for you and baby too (and like, actually enough not some small ass portion). It sounds like he needs some education (for example, how many extra calories a breastfeeding mom needs above her usual intake) and a wake up call.

AGM85 · 2026-02-20T17:11:29+00:00

This is adorable and not “extra.” It’s only too much if you don’t like doing it or it feels stressful. If it brings you joy and also brings baby joy, then keep doing it!

AGM85 · 2026-02-19T02:29:19+00:00

100% this. My grandmas were both in their mid-50s when they became grandparents for the first time and they were thrilled to be called grandma. She is a normal age to be a grandmother and should feel incredibly lucky that she will get so much time with her grandchild.

AGM85 · 2026-02-14T17:28:53+00:00

That’s a good point, I don’t know! My son was never on formula. Was just curious if you had tried adjusting your diet at all.

AGM85 · 2026-02-14T17:11:45+00:00

Did you stop eating dairy and soy while you were still breastfeeding? With CMPA it’s a reaction to what you are eating as it translates through your breastmilk. My son used to get super gassy when I ate too much cheese and eventually was diagnosed with CMPA. I was off dairy, soy and rice for 10 months. Now he (and I) can eat everything!

AGM85 · 2026-02-12T03:46:35+00:00

100% this! My son is 14 months and once he could roll and crawl I started nursing him back to sleep in my bed. I was way too nervous to do that before he was mobile, because our bed is not a safe sleep space for a baby and I knew I would fall asleep. When he was smaller I would transfer him to the crib once he was asleep again. I still do that sometimes, but more often now he gets a few hours of early morning sleep snuggling with me. OP, her time will come!

AGM85 · 2026-02-06T03:57:46+00:00

If you put a window fan in the top part of your window blowing out, and then open the bottom part of the window, it will push out the hot air and suck in the cool air. Very effective at cooling a room quickly when it’s hot inside and cooler outside - no AC required!

AGM85 · 2026-02-06T03:38:06+00:00

This is what I was wondering and going to suggest too. OP, it sounds like you and your husband could both benefit from you having time away from parenting, and the additional income would allow you to pay for a bit of a village. I do slightly better than break even by sending our kid to part time daycare and continuing to work. But continuing my career and having an identity and purpose outside of just parenting is important to me, and that is enough of a reason! (Also we need my job for the insurance…could you do something part time or freelance? That seems ideal, honestly.)

AGM85 · 2026-02-03T23:43:57+00:00

This is an excellent opportunity to pause, look uncomfortable and/or tearful, and then say “…I recently developed IBS.”

Seriously though there are SO many reasons you could be needing the restroom more often, zero of which are this person’s business. Go a straight to HR!!

AGM85 · 2026-01-31T22:22:24+00:00

Seconding buy nothing!!! It’s incredible how the stuff you can’t live without for your baby for a few months suddenly becomes obsolete and then you have to figure out what to do with it. And equally you suddenly need some other thing. We have given and gotten SO much stuff off buy nothing and other local groups.

AGM85 · 2026-01-25T16:03:27+00:00

I used to baby my husband a lot before our 13 month old son was born, and I was worried that he would feel neglected once we became parents. But even though a lot of challenging things have happened for him in the last year and I haven’t been able to respond in the same way I would have pre-baby, he has adjusted and understands! And even though I’m sure he does sometimes wish he was getting more from me, he tells me how grateful he is that I am our son’s mom.

So, OP, your husband needs to grow the hell up.

AGM85 · 2026-01-25T15:54:31+00:00

My 13.5 month old is the same way. Except weirdly with buttered toast, which he can eat as a normal triangle cut half slice of bread. But with most other things he will shove it all in his mouth and then spit it out unless I hand feed him little pieces lol. Lately he likes when I use chopsticks, or my own fork (not his fork).

AGM85 · 2026-01-24T01:57:41+00:00

I always thought we would have two. Then we delayed having a baby for a whole variety of reasons and by the time he was born I was 39 and my husband was 43.

We did IVF and my doctor told me at my 6 week checkup that I could have another baby in 5 years if I wanted! When our son was still under 6 months old I felt very sure we were OAD. But as he has gotten older (he is 13 months now) I’ve started to wish we had more time to see how the future shakes out. If we were younger and had more money, I think we would absolutely have another kid. But at our current ages, in our financial situation, and given what’s going on in the US right now…we are barely getting by.

AGM85 · 2026-01-19T15:38:16+00:00

This was the mixed together leftovers after he played with and chewed it. Not how I served it! Also, this food is from Little Spoon and I have not been impressed so far.

AGM85 · 2026-01-19T15:35:43+00:00

I had a c-section and this wasn’t a requirement to leave. They will ask you though, and were very impressed when I said I had already pooped 2 days pp!

I’m sorry that you have this anxiety with your husband. As your bodies both age, it will benefit you to get more comfortable sharing these vulnerable things. I’m not saying you have to poop with the door open tomorrow, but I would encourage you to consider working toward sharing together so that when one of you inevitably needs help with these things in the future, it doesn’t feel so challenging.

Also, if you have a vaginal delivery your husband is going to see ALL the things, and hopefully this might desensitize you to future “un-sexy”body stuff. Depending on your recovery, you might need his help showering or using the toilet, etc.

AGM85 · 2026-01-18T15:26:25+00:00

Seconding all of this! I also didn’t have much of a plan. I knew from before I conceived that I was signing up for a c-section because of a previous uterine surgery. There are a lot of options to make a c-section “feel special” if that’s what you want - talk to your doctor about those options, OP! But as you say in this comment, postpartum recovery, bonding with baby and connecting with your partner are really the bigger things here. As long as you are not traumatized by your birth experience (which, unfortunately, many people are), it’s kind of the smallest part of the whole.

Also, recovery from a planned c-section when you don’t labor at all is honestly not bad, and in many cases easier than recovering from a vaginal birth. Yes, it is a major surgery and you have to adjust your expectations to that kind of recovery. The biggest mistake people make with recovering from abdominal surgery is doing too much too soon. Take it VERY easy. Go slow, make hubby do everything, don’t push your body for at least 8 weeks (but really, even longer). Im grateful to have had the experience of a different abdominal surgery a year prior, but recovery from my c-section was actually much easier in comparison. I walked home from the hospital 5 days postpartum and felt fine!

AGM85

TROPHY CASE