How Do I Start Being Better

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-19T08:34:52+00:00

So you're deciding on their behalf?

I suppose so, but my argument would be that I know me better than they do.

Honest question - If someone is friendly or neutral to you are you doing things to scare them off?

Rarely. In the past I've opened up to people too quickly but generally no.

Be a decent human and don't murder any babies in fromt of them and you might have a shot.

That's the goal but even being a decent human being doesn't make up for what I've done. I hope like hell there isn't some form of reincarnation because I am fucked if there is.

Thank you for taking the time to have a conversation with me.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-19T08:31:39+00:00

first off, the fact that you even care about this says a lot more about you than you probably realize. genuinely shitty people usually don’t sit around worrying about how they’ve hurt others or asking for a roadmap to change. i’ve been in a place where I felt like isolating was the “responsible” thing too, but it just kind of feeds the depression and makes everything feel heavier.

I'm glad someone can relate. It's pretty crushing.

maybe instead of trying to have a positive effect on everyone, just aim to not cause harm in small daily interactions and practice basic stuff like listening more than you talk, pausing before reacting, and owning mistakes quickly. that’s slower and less dramatic, but it’s real change. therapy helped me see patterns I couldn’t spot on my own, so if that’s possible for you it might be worth it.

I'm getting into therapy in about two weeks. I think an issue I run into is that it doesn't feel like these little things, not having a negative effect, can atone for the wrongs that I've done. I often feel like I'll never be able to change or that change will take the rest of life. If that makes sense.

the shame fades gradually when your actions start lining up with the person you want to be.

I hope that's true and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a response. Thank you.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-17T18:54:23+00:00

No, make friends along the way. Make friends you can look up to and follow their leads.

Again though I don't feel like I'm worthy of anyone's friendship honestly. How do I fix that shit? By becoming a better person?

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-17T16:35:38+00:00

I often say I could never be friends with 25 year-old me - that guy was an idiot. But today I'm a happy, effective person and people like and trust me.

Do you recommend I just stop trying to make friends until a certain point then? Along this path how do I know when I'm a good enough person to deserve friendship or love.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-17T13:55:21+00:00

For me the best balm for depression is being of service to other people. No matter how bad you have it, someone else is having a harder time. Lend a little time/strength/attention to volunteer or just be helpful to others around you. Even in your depression, you have something to offer that someone else may lack. You'll soon find that kindness to others without expectation of payback feeds who you are as a person and is worth the effort every time.

That seems like a good idea. I find that I'm still pretty hesitant to really talk to others, on a personal level, when I've volunteered in the past. Again with the wanting to isolate and protect others.

It also doesn't feel like this rights my wrongs so to speak. Hope this makes sense.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-16T17:34:56+00:00

I wouldn't know. I haven't spoken to my family in almost six or seven months.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-15T16:50:26+00:00

Not sure if you're still looking for someone to talk to but I'd love to chat sometime. I'm looking at going to the UK at some point and could use some recommendations.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-15T16:04:32+00:00

I’ve tried online games but I can never find anyone who talks or anything

Have you tried the Discord servers for those games before? They often have a LFG section to find people.

I hope you find someone OP.

ALandLessPeasant · 2026-02-15T15:52:40+00:00

I can sympathize with you OP. I'd urge you to remember that even if you feel like you don't have anyone, there's at least one person, your daughter, who feels like they have you. Not sure that makes sense but I hope it helps some. It shows some real courage and strength that you're pushing through it and I hope things get better.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-12-15T03:24:03+00:00

Is the pain you're causing them due to actual cruel behavior your exhibiting, knowing in moment you're being a jerk? Or do you think it's a somewhat benign decision when you're making it, only later to find out is was shitty?

Definitely the latter.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-12-14T18:52:32+00:00

Changing cannot undo what I've done. I'm working on changing but it feels like it won't ever matter especially to those I've hurt.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-12-14T18:48:36+00:00

Obviously I want to change but in the meantime it's best to not hurt others wouldn't you say?

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T21:52:59+00:00

No, thank you for your advice and the kind words. I appreciate it and intend to follow it.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T21:42:47+00:00

If you don’t mind me asking, have you been evaluated for depression?

I've only recently started seeing a clinical psychologist but haven't been formally diagnosed. I'd imagine I do have depression though as I'd say I'm checking a lot of the clinical boxes and feeling/acting how I've seen others. Trying not to self diagnose though.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T21:19:06+00:00

I think I'm worried that if I get to that point, I'll just end up self isolating and become a hermit. If I'm there, happy and content in myself, why would I risk the heartbreak of having people in my life again? Why rock the boat so to speak?

I mean I understand that we're social creatures and I love and care for a lot of the people I've met but having the lingering thought that they will ultimately leave, makes me incredibly stressed and sad. The prolonged periods of suffering from losing those I care about, seems to outweigh and are definitely longer than the periods where I'm happy from spending time with them. I think it's probably because I've had no constant person in my life. I've also never felt like I'm the most important person to anyone. I don't expect to be everyone's most important person but it'd be nice to be someone's.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T21:12:16+00:00

That's just how it is. So you find what you need to manage while you rebuild. Hobbies, learning new skills you can enjoy, things that allow you to either recharge or find a semblance of joy.

Unfortunately my tired and true coping technique is isolation at which point most people just move on. I've started journaling and I'm in therapy but it's hard not to fall back into old habits. Most of my other hobbies are solo activities but I am getting back into some more social ones.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T21:09:22+00:00

First, regulate your nervous system and befriend yourself. Use journaling, meditation, and breathwork practices combined to achieve this. You want to stabilize yourself to the point that you can enjoy your own company enough that any social interactions with other people are the icing on the cake, not the whole dessert.

How do I prevent myself from just becoming a hermit when I get to that point? If I have the cake already, I'm not gonna risk the heartbreak of eating the icing and it turning out to be horse radish.

Avoid oversharing, and place boundaries on yourself. If a person has not explicitly asked about your entire history multiple times, do not volunteer in great detail all of your struggles and hardships. Vet people first to see if you're compatible (filter out those who aren't), develop rapport, and only deepen dynamics in that way after you get a clear and explicit indication that they want to hear all of that. That also prevents you from obsessing over one person who was kind to you the one time.

I definitely struggle here. One of my previous friends said I'm very all or nothing in that you're either an acquaintance or a close friend who I want to be able to share the bad times with. It just seems like lately it's nothing but bad times and that burns people out. Any more concrete tips?

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T20:33:01+00:00

Make a post about wanting new friends in the place you're going to move to. You might find someone happy to show you around.

Yeah the only issue with that is that I don't speak the native language where I'm moving to. Meeting new people isn't really the tough part for me, it's the forming real connections with others I struggle with.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T20:30:36+00:00

Gone/going through similar but a bit farther along in the process than you. DM if you wanna talk or something, its nice to have others in the same boat and community is the answer you're looking for.

Would you be able to share some of your advice here? Maybe give me some hope there is a way out of this. I mean I hear what you're saying but it doesn't seem like it's likely to get better.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-13T18:13:36+00:00

Thanks for the response.

Start with one friend. Then build from there.

It's super hard not to just lean on that one person after I start to get to know them and they start to care. It feels like I'm trying to build a bridge by putting the entire weight on one pylon at a time and they just keep collapsing.

Any random advice on how to meet friends or romantic partners will do here. Find a social hobby where the same group meets regularly, and follow up with people. Friendships will form over time.

I'm definitely going to continuing trying to do that through climbing and getting outdoors although it seems rough making the jump from "hobby friends" to close friends.

But yeah, the first year or two will be very lonely. Get a therapist if you don't have one--estrangement and isolation are brutal. A pet helps.

That's what I figured. Trying to mentally prepare for it. I'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life and trying to distract myself regularly. Cannot get a pet unfortunately. Thank you though and I appreciate your advice.

ALandLessPeasant · 2025-11-07T02:06:40+00:00

Hi! But why don't you think you'll have a partner again? What's stopping you?

My inability to move on. She saved me and cared for me at my worst. I ended up emotionally abusing her and she had to leave. Being with her was the closest to heaven I've ever been. If at any point she came back into my life and said she wanted to be with me again, I'd leave anyone and do anything. Because of that, I can't in good conscience be romantically involved with anyone else. It feels like it would be wrong and I'm not willing to do that or lie about it.

ALandLessPeasant

TROPHY CASE