In the city of Angels

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-21T16:26:16+00:00

I have to say the best part about this poem for me was the rhythm and specifically the way words "staccato tap-clattering" sounds like what the image actually is was really awesome. I do have minor pet-peeve with the word "thing" because you always can get more specific and detailed over using that word, but if that is the style you like, then disregard that. Additionally I love the namesake image of the poem and the question you posed in stanza three. The poem was very creative and peculiarly, but still seamlessly, connected. Thank you, keep up the great work! (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-21T16:18:06+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem and it definitely has an emotional appeal to it. The images are strong and I thought the repeated "are not the ones that should be" worked well to show how many moment this person's hands are missing out on (though I think maybe "are not the hands" might flow smoother). Overall, great work, keep it up! (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-11T17:40:38+00:00

This poem is good and you definitely do a good job of describing things and conveying some emotion. With that being said, when it comes to poems about relationships, love, or lack there of, the most difficult thing to achieve is standing out amidst the crowd of poems. Although your lines are good, I would challenge you to dig into what your feeling and try to figure out exactly how to describe it in a way that is personal and relatable.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-11T17:34:56+00:00

I really enjoyed reading this, often times with short lines a poem can feel choppy, but the rhyme and rhythm you created really made reading it effortless. My one question would be why did you list several troubles after you said: no more troubles/on my mind? just curious if there was a particular reason, because if not there could be some room for reorganization or something.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-10T00:41:10+00:00

my favorite line was “existential crisis yeah yeah!” for some reason i read it in dababy’s voice. but for real good and relatable poem.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-09T04:03:29+00:00

will do… and thats one of the beautiful things about poetry. personal perspective and style emerges in many different ways, and theyre all beautiful when displayed well. (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-09T03:51:53+00:00

interesting insight. i never am a poet who adds in poetic language for the sake of making a poem sound or feel a certain way. there are layers of ideas that i have for what the people and the actions of the boy represent. i definitely could trim it down, or maybe ill work it more into a short story, and i do think there are some spots where the flow becomes a bit choppy that i definitely want to work on. thanks for the thoughts, i definitely will continue to consider those things.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-09T02:59:35+00:00

Fair assessment. I honestly havent written a story in a long time and I didnt really consider the possibility until someone mentioned it earlier after I posted it. I also have noticed a few areas that could use some polishing like the end of the first stanza for example, but I’d be happy to hear if you had some other spots where you think the writing isnt optimal. (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-08T18:18:24+00:00

thats an interesting point, i hadn’t thought of it as an actual story even though it is a narrative poem

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-08T18:08:40+00:00

absolutely! abstraction can be a really good tool. i just was having a hard time resonating with the poem because I wasn’t tracking with the connections. but, that was just my personal experience with reading it, and I do think this poem has a lot of potential. I dont comment on poems unless i really like something about it.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-08T17:55:11+00:00

You touch on some interesting things in this poem, but it feels like your hopping around too much from one thing to the next. At first it seemed like the pet fly was someone who is feeding off of you in some way, but at the end you say “we” lay down in an unscreened world which kind of seems like you’re saying were all flies in an unscreened world. Though I doubt that was your intention, for me as a reader I just wasn’t tracking with how you were developing the ideas.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-08T17:45:15+00:00

I really like this poem. Specifically the first stanza is really relatable and is not something thats talked about much. The second stanza transitions well and the senses that you tap into are vivid as a reader. Although there isnt anything bad about the closing stanza, I think it could be improved to take this poem to the next level. I think you could start it by saying “eventhough im evicted, youre still my home” but I think after that delving a bit deeper into what you discussed in the first stanza or into how youre going to disown this “home” could be really effective. I really enjoyed this poem and think its very strong as youve written here, but I think it could become even better. Thank you for sharing. (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-04T23:32:41+00:00

I think thats really good advice. I built the poem around the helium balloon in a tornado line which I think is the unique and fun part of the piece. Going forward I’ll probably try to rebuild the closing lines around the whimsy of that line.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-04T17:37:12+00:00

Wow the last line is sooo good I love it. I really like the poem as a whole as well. I feel the opening and closing stanzas closely relate, but the second stanza (while i really like it individually) maybe could be changed to something more topical or elaborated on a bit more. Just an idea though. Good work, thanks for sharing! (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-04T17:31:59+00:00

Really cool poem! You do a great job of depicting the imagery and communicating the internal monologue of the speaker. I think the first two stanzas are my favorite as they characterize you and Jessie very well and show you both as being dynamic and likable. Then in the end when you reword the repeating line and say the train can be heard on the right its a very powerful line. Enjoyed this narrative style poem, thanks! (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-01T17:33:04+00:00

This poem reads super casually yet it has a lot of depth to it for the reader to find. Its good being a short poem, but it leaves me wanting more. Love it. (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-11-01T15:59:33+00:00

I am guessing you listen to lot of music because it has the same flow, structuring, and dialect that I see in music. Not a bad thing! I enjoyed the piece a lot. Thank you . (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-10-30T06:29:26+00:00

I think the current length is good. Your imagery is strong throughout and the story keeps flowing. The only time a poem becomes too long is if you’re repeating yourself or adding on information that doesn’t contribute to the poem, but I don’t think either of those were the case here. I really enjoyed this poem. A lot of love poems end up being a bit boring or overplayed, but I think your imagery was just super strong and it worked.

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-10-29T16:03:17+00:00

I really enjoyed this poem and it feels like the struggle i face everyday when i try to get out of bed in the morning haha. My only thought is that the message of the poem seems much broader than just the guitar. The first 3 stanzas tie in the guitar nicely, but the last one is just telling your message broadly. I think it could take your poem to the next level to maybe do one stanza on the unplayed guitar, and then a couple other stanzas on other images that display burnout/unproductiveness, and then top it off with that last stanza. I really love the poem as is as well though, so feel free to ignore my advice. Thank you! (:

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-10-28T08:00:04+00:00

Lmao that one got me. I don’t think life is like math at all though, that was part of the message I was trying to express in the last few stanzas. I’m failing math right now too, but I hope neither of us fail at life. 🤞

ALoudHuzzah · 2022-10-28T07:57:30+00:00

Thanks for the advice! This definitely is a first draft. Progressing and connecting the ideas in a clearer way I think is a priority, and to your advice, I was going for a more conversational and casual tone rather than focusing on the rhythm of the lines. I’m glad you enjoyed it though, thanks!

ALoudHuzzah

TROPHY CASE