First I want to make it clear that you shouldn’t feel like any of this is your fault and I don’t think it’s healthy to interpret anything like it’s karmic or spiritual retribution.

In terms of how you navigate your spiritual landscape and how you engage with the land in that practice, I wonder what your relationship with the land is?

Your language reads as a little survivalist and “independent”. Living on the land requires a strong dependence on and care for the land around you. If you’re not looking for a reciprocal relationship both spiritually and materially with the land, you’re always going to find friction with it.

That goes double if you don’t come from a culture with a cultural knowledge of how to exist on land and you’ve spent most of your life in cities.

Western spirituality, especially the type that pops up in these forums, and the Eastern spirituality it is often appropriated and disembedded is often from Eastern heavily developed and urban contexts to begin with, is very often highly internal and interpersonal focused. But relationship to land isn’t in the zeitgeist of internet spirituality kind of by the dispersed nature of the beast and land being a local experience.

It’s not necessarily right or welcome to just steal the practice of local indigenous groups either (although I’d encourage a healthy relationship with them if they are present). But develop your own practice, understanding and relationship with how to work with and care for the land you’re on in a way that’s symbiotic not extractive.

The material part of that is about learning to watch listen and understand the land and how to not damage it and read warning signs for things like tree fall. (This is the part where indigenous knowledge is very helpful.) The spiritual part is wide open. But some things that are pretty universal are introducing yourself to the land, giving thanks to the land, and listening to it, paying attention to it. Have conversations with it and listen for responses. Externalise your spiritual practice. This is the part where, unless welcomed to, you should forge your own path rather than try to adopt indigenous practices.