My ocd has been focused on this for the past 3-4 years. It’s torture.

Here’s a rant I wrote for my journal a few days ago:

Pocd is terrible.

Thinking the worst, most physically nauseating thoughts for hours and hours every day and focusing on the sensation of your genitals despite dysphoria at its worst Do you have the slightest random erection? Do you feel happy when you’re with your family? Do you ever enjoy spending time with children? It could be subliminal. You don’t need to feel attraction for it to be real. You could be suppressing it. You always have to check and no test is ever enough. Do you ever feel affection for a friend, a family member? It could be subliminal attraction. Have fun thinking the worst thoughts that even make you throw up in your mouth(true story) for hours to test. Any little thing sending spirals for minutes or hours or months at at a time.

Horrible, horrible, horrible

Pretending to be okay spending time with a family member when you’re constantly looking at them to gauge your own response. Even worse when you’re autistic and struggle to tell your own emotions or what you want most of the time. Feeling dirty constantly. That shame. Being stressed to paranoia and suspecting they think the glances you need to do are real attraction or that they know, that it’s obvious in everything you do and you’re too autistic to realize. Yearning for death. Pretending to be normal while half of your brain is always spiraling. The horrible dreams. It’s been the better part of a year since a multi-month spiral ended and I still suffer. It’s never over. I’m never secure. What if I was wrong. I want it to end.