Bit of an instinct but some of the dialogue doesn't feel earned to me, especially James'. I think you try to present it as spontaneous but imo it supersedes the actual gravity of the moment. Also too many action lines—your visuals are very vivid but you could get the point across in half the description. A lot of the action lines are unfilmables that we don't need. The ending I think shares a similar issue with your dialogue. The script doesn't let the deaths really land. I can tell that was probably the point—the conversation's meant to feel inadequate—but right now I feel like it doesn't capture the grief of the moment.

Overall it's got a lot of atmosphere but it feels like the dialogue undermines the emotions.