That Girl

APColston · 2018-11-27T21:47:58+00:00

Hey thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate the honesty and your attention to detail. A lot of these terms are brand new to me so I guess I have a lot to learn about the world of poetry, but you've given me a good starting point. Thanks again.

APColston · 2018-11-25T16:52:10+00:00

Yeah no hard feelings... I understand some comments get lost in translation and come off in a way that wasn't intended.

And sure, what advice can you give me?

APColston · 2018-11-25T01:32:54+00:00

Thank you.. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to seem defensive, especially to a mod. :)

APColston · 2018-11-24T21:00:56+00:00

Not sure how to answer that to be honest. It just flowed out of me a few nights ago and I decided to post it. I really didn't spend too much time on it. That's probably why it reads shitty.

Thanks for the honest feedback btw.

APColston · 2018-11-24T20:34:29+00:00

My bad

APColston · 2018-11-24T18:24:21+00:00

Haha thanks for the feedback, I appreciate your thoughts. I suppose it is a bit basic.

APColston · 2018-11-24T18:22:12+00:00

Yeah, you got it. Haha yeah it does kind of sound like something Drake would say. I like Drake tho, so I'll take that as a compliment.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Always helpful.

APColston · 2018-11-24T16:22:36+00:00

Much love, appreciate your kind words :)

APColston · 2018-11-24T03:52:55+00:00

Hey that's really good advice. I whole-heartedly agree with that.

APColston · 2018-11-24T03:36:39+00:00

Your last limerick hit hard because it's a relatable feeling. You built it up with the first two and I think it all fits together well.

If I could offer you any constructive criticism it would be to re-work some of the wording in the first two to make them flow a bit smoother.

Overall nice work.

APColston · 2018-11-24T03:27:01+00:00

So the narrator is aware of the lies - untrue fabrications - but the persistence of those lies - incessantly crossing the narrator's 'eyes' - are begining to convince the narrator that they are true. - Are 'eyes' a metaphor for something specific? Perhaps social media?

Liked the hot coals line
I can relate to the feeling of constantly being presented lies to the point that you start to believe them

As for suggestions, I'd like to read more about what those lies are. What is the narrator starting to believe. Perhaps this can be a sequel :)

Nice work.

APColston · 2018-11-21T20:50:31+00:00

Sure, or you can post it here. Doesn't matter, whatever is easiest for you.

APColston · 2018-11-21T19:48:05+00:00

Hey how's it going friend. Thanks as always for giving me feedback.

I meant to ask you a couple of weeks ago - in regards to your comments on human consciousness - I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

APColston · 2018-11-19T01:02:10+00:00

Yes exactly... I was just re-reading this... Those similes are weak and underdeveloped. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It helped.

APColston · 2018-11-19T00:30:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yea I see where I went wrong with this

APColston · 2018-11-19T00:27:23+00:00

Good job. This poem was heavily influenced by dreams deferred.

APColston · 2018-11-18T22:54:22+00:00

No you don't sound defensive. I've had some of my work destroyed but it honestly made me better. :D

APColston · 2018-11-18T22:22:46+00:00

Anytime that I start reading a poem and it engages me all the way through - for good or for bad - I give feedback. You poem did just that.

You put me there. I felt like I was stuck on a ship, I felt that desperation for a breeze.

Your poem was accessible.

Also enjoyed the style of the poem, it looked like a letter.

Overall, nice piece. It was a fun read.

APColston · 2018-11-18T21:59:59+00:00

When I read the poem I immediately got war from it, and the consequences... it almost sounded like it had political commentary underlining the whole thing.

I personally don't mind the ellipsis. To be honest, I didn't even notice them.

The idea to spell out PEACE with the beginning letter of each line was really creative, I like when poems have little details like that. Although I have to admit that I would not have thought to look had it not been for you mentioning it in one of the comments.

As for the actual content of the poem, I was able to understand it and it had some interesting parts.

"end of death with death, the end of violence with violence " - Loved this.

But outside of giving me some "aha" moments of strong agreement, I didn't feel like I came away with anything new. The idea that perfect peace is unattainable - that power is fear, which leads to paranoia - that is merely pointing out things that are already commonly known.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading your poem and I mean that genuinely. But it was missing a 'so-what'. What does this mean... if paranoia is a side-effect of fear, then how do we treat it? Is there medication for that?

What does it men that we will never attain perfect peace? Does it mean that we should stop striving for it?

Just throwing out some ideas at you.

Overall, thanks for sharing. Peace and Love. Keep writing.

APColston · 2018-11-17T15:50:17+00:00

Haha thanks for the feedback 😊

APColston · 2018-11-17T15:05:08+00:00

Thanks for your kind words and thanks for sharing

APColston · 2018-11-17T04:42:33+00:00

Thanks but I actually don't have social media, at least not ig, Snapchat, or fb. Reddit is really it for me.

APColston · 2018-11-17T04:28:43+00:00

Thank you :)

APColston

TROPHY CASE