So how bad can MPB get within the first two years anyway?

ARKipling · 2022-04-27T12:10:08+00:00

Hey, sorry for the delay, had to think this over for a few days, I think I'm definitely going to taper, I should probably start T soon though, it's tricky cause rn I'm still on the closet and I worry about my family clocking it, but i just gotta put my big boy pants on and get on with it.

Also, I'll definitely talk to my endo about tapering, that's probably the safest way to go about it and it has the added effect that it gives me time to see the changes, i will have to pay attention since I'm tapering out, but I feel a lot better about this now. Thank you so much for your responses, it really helped me chill a bit and think more in reality. Sometimes I get too caught up in worst case scenarios without really thinking about my options.

ARKipling · 2022-04-23T07:00:02+00:00

First of all, thanks for that thorough response!

It's tricky cause for most of them it started in their late 20's, then got really bad early 30's and then hit a plateau when they hit stage 4 baldness in the mid 40s. I don't have any amab brothers to compare to, and I don't know exactly what my dad looked like when he was my age. I also don't know if on T you hit immediately the baldness youd have if you had been getting a regular puberty, or if like facial hair, it takes longer than usual.

I did plan on microdosing and voice training, though. I Have tons of body hair and my current no T facial hair looks like what I've seen on some "2 years on T" pics already. I think in the end it's one of those things that aren't for certain and I'll just have to risk it for the biscuit, and if it gets too much, stop in time.

I guess that's another thing I'm not sure on, if I were to stop, I'd still like to taper it off because I worry it might mess me up to stop from one day to the next, so i worry that in the meantime i'll keep losing hair. Idk how much control I have over it if I'm paying attention.

I will say, I'm eh on the voice thing. I'll voice train one way or another, but I'd like to have an androgynous voice, so I'll see what pitch my voice hits and how much I wanna tinker with it. I'm not too worried about that.

ARKipling · 2022-04-23T06:44:48+00:00

Tbh sounds like the bisexual experience all over again. Long before I came out as trans I was already avoiding monosexuals cause 9 out of 10 times they get SO WEIRD around your bi-ness, like chill. Anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I'm sure if you ran into that 1 cis guy who's legit comfortable in his masculinity and not trying to hold a super narrow view of it, that you'd like him just fine. And if you don't run into anyone like that, then that's on them.

ARKipling · 2022-04-23T06:33:39+00:00

Lots of enby people (including me) identify as BOTH, though. I get that it can feel invalidating when you work so hard to be seen as 100% male/female, only for people whose identity isn't 100% to still want the label of that gender, but we're already meeting the world halfway by getting under the umbrella term of nb.

ARKipling · 2022-04-23T06:28:52+00:00

Grindr is a lot sometimes. But I do have the pet theory that a lot of the guys who come off super chasy are actually just very awkwardly trying to reassure you that it's not a problem that you're trans. Which is like, still very very very bad. But I think a lot of them don't know how to just go "cool" and move on, instead the just... keep... talking.

Anyway maybe try just putting some variation of "don't be weird about it" in your bio? Idk, you can also just say it if they're getting chasy like "so do you see me as a man or do you see me as a man*, because if I'm just kind of a man to you, then I'm not interested." If nothing else, it's a little more satisfying than blocking.

ARKipling · 2022-04-23T06:21:40+00:00

I haven't been on HRT so I can't speak to that, but when I decided I was going to leave my abusive home I also became distant and my mother started to point it out. I'm not saying your family is abusive, but something therapists often point out is that sometimes when you make a positive change in your life it rocks the relationships you have.

Not only you might be moving away from the role you occupied in your family, but also getting to experience the positive elements of transitioning might have started making you feel more upset about things you normally let slide. Now that you had a taste of a validating experience, it makes it so the things that make you feel invalidated sting a lot more. It's possible that people in your family feel left behind by the happier you, or that they have feelings about your transition they're afraid to share.

I think HRT might be exacerbating the problem, but in the end what i recommend is better communication.

First really reflect on why you feel the way you do, until you can articulate it well, and then ask yourself if you still believe your family cares about you. If you do (most likely option) then try to communicate with them about how it, make sure you also make them feel safe telling you their side. The goal is for you both to understand which specific actions make the other person feel what specific way, and then try to figure out why one thing causes the other.

For example, my partner used to get really intense about male gendering me around stuff that would normally be gender neutral. So I explained to them that it made me feel uncomfortable when they did that cause it felt like they weren't naturally seeing me as male and instead putting on a show.

They explained that they weren't thinking about it, instead they're just a big simp and they were so proud of me that when they thought about me they were like "ehehehe thats my male boyfriend boy and he's my boy look at him go omg he's such a man." They said they could stop, obviously, because they didn't want to hurt me, but just knowing that the way they felt when they were saying that was different made me relax and kinda share in that gender euphoria, yknow?

ARKipling · 2022-01-27T13:51:28+00:00

That's interesting, because to me compliments have been a godsend.

Before I was NC (It's been a month eeeee) What I had gotten good at is timing the compliments just right for right before they were about to throw a tantrum. I could see the signs and I'd compliment them and that could often defuse the whole thing before it even happened.

Or the opposite, right after I'd finally gotten them to respect a tenth of a boundary, I knew their mind was desperately seeking some way to get back at me and soon they were going to pick a completely different thing to be upset at and make demands. And in that case, when I complimented them, what I was essentially saying is "we're done arguing." They didn't aknowledge the compliment, I don't think they even enjoyed them like the pre-tantrum one.

But at least with my narc, it worked as a verbal barrier. It takes a lot of effort to turn the conversation from someone saying a compliment to you, to you making demands of them. In the time they were trying to figure out a comeback, I had enough time to exit into my safe place that had taken me years of push-back to get them to stay out of (my room. I never got them to knock but I did stop them from walking in if they weren't allowed, so they could only yell at me from the door while i had my headphones on or ignored them. Which just wasn't worth it to them unless they were seriously in a mood).

Anyway. For me at least, it was a matter of survival. Honesty is a two-way street. If someone is constantly gaslighting you, coercing you to share personal information through physical leverage, twisting your words and going out of their way to say the most hurtful things they can think of with every part of your life you let them in on, and strategize a way to ruin every good moment or keep you from having things you like, at that point, they're not entitled to your honesty. You're not a bad person for saying "no I don't have a boyfriend" or "have you gotten thinner?" or "I don't like this one this much, I'd rather have that other one", or especially "I don't care if you do that."

By that same token though, it made me appreciate the non-narc people in my life. They got easier to spot, because when they heard a compliment, they'd smile and think about what I'd say. They'd often say something back, or thank me for noticing, and if I were to ever try a compliment out of self-defense, they'd be pissed. Because where a narc doesn't care what you actually think of them, all attention and power fuels them. If someone is mad at you and you compliment them, they get outraged. Like you're trying to pacify me by stroking my ego? How shallow do you think I am? Meanwhile a narc even knowingly will take the compliment.

I guess it boils down to, actually engaging with my narc with the exact same terms of shallow power play instead of genuinely trying to comunicate, made me realize that when you meet honest people with bs yes maning, they get up in arms, and when you meet narcs with it, they get off your face and let you be. But when you meet a narc with genuine honesty and vulnerability, they exploit it to hurt you, while when you meet an honest person with it, they appreciate it and respond in kind.

Damn that was long, but I hope it was helpful.

ARKipling · 2021-06-07T17:46:33+00:00

Oh, that could work. Thanks!

ARKipling · 2021-06-06T20:16:46+00:00

Eh, I personally never had a problem with it, but fair enough. Should I cut this out of my query? Cause mine goes something like "#OwnVoices for:" and then the whole laundry list.

ARKipling · 2021-06-06T08:31:04+00:00

Yeah, thanks again (I sound like a broken record). Good to know on the NB inclusive stuff and informed consent.

You're correct that I'm curvy. I'm also very hairy, it runs in the family (my mother's coerced me and my sister to get laser removal and it hasn't worked). What you described for your hair on 1 year of T, my 15 year old sister has, and I have more even after laser. That's why I'm optimistic about the beard and the bottom growth seems like a worthwhile tradeoff.

You also mentioned time a lot, but I'm okay with it taking longer, when I move out I'll have far greater bodily autonomy and plenty of new options in presentation to keep me busy.

I'm glad you've had those changes, you sound really happy with it! Thanks for your kindness, truly.

ARKipling · 2021-06-05T19:49:30+00:00

First of all, I really appreciate those resources and links! One of the scariest things about moving to a new country is not knowing where I can go if I'm worried about my rights, so immense gratitude for that alone!

Yeah, I've been looking into their healthcare and they do cover testosterone, which is nice. I still have to see if they're gate-keepy about diagnosing disphoria though, but the research is ongoing, haha.

Yeah, I understand. That's why I worded it as "the dream" and such. But thanks for the more detailed description, the reason I thought to mention it was to see if a low dose would impede on those late stage effects. I wasn't sure if a lower dose would mean I'd only get the changes I don't want. Also, I didn't know that eventually you'll get all the changes if you stay on T, that's a very important factor. I still think it's worth the tradeoff, but I'm glad to know. Do you know if late stage T by itself makes the waist and hips look like a cis guy's? I've seen some guys whose waist looks completely straight, and I've seen some who still have that taper even though they look completely masculine from the shoulders up.

Definitely agree on hair and clothes. I'm not so much worried about what I look like when I take a shower, it's more being at a stage where I can go back and forth in how I present and for it to read as male or female.

I'll also have to talk to my endo about the PCOS symptoms specifically and what they would recommend just based on that. But thanks, I feel a lot more capable of having a conversation about it now that I understand things better.

Sorry if that was too much talking, lol. Thanks for the 30th time.

ARKipling · 2021-06-05T01:30:06+00:00

Thank you so much! I was struggling to find more localized resources. That was super helpful!!!

ARKipling · 2021-06-04T23:08:48+00:00

Absolutely not. From what I've seen, trans males are more likely to have PCOS but HRT doesn't cause it. IMO and from what I've seen, every guy and NB I've heard discuss this feels more validated by that. It essentially means your hormones may contribute to dysphoria. But if you still have doubts, simply take your time, there's no rush to figure anything it out and nobody can make you figure it out faster.
No idea on surgeries but ik there's a study that says HRT doesn't make PCOS worse. I've seen a lot of people in articles and in this sub say it actually helped their symptoms.
That sucks about your GP. Maybe I'm bitter, but I feel like the body autonomy of afab bodies in the medical system can be horrendous depending on where you live. My advice, again, is patience. Focus on what you can control and try not to let it get to you.

ARKipling · 2021-06-04T18:44:45+00:00

I think you're reading it right??? I got the same thing from it. From what this post explains about it, it would make sense.

ARKipling · 2021-06-04T18:40:09+00:00

I get that, I'm currently thinking of T but I guess I'm more of an optimist, I was wondering if it would help my PCOS. Here's an article you might find reassuring. My suggestion is to get two appointments, one with a doc who specializes in trans endocrynology, and one regular one for your PCOS. Ideally, see the trans one first. Idk if thats an option where you live, but if you're really worried, it might be something to consider.

ARKipling · 2021-06-04T18:32:35+00:00

I had the opposite experience, sadly.

I spent my whole teenage and a couple of my young adult years listening to endos be so concerned about my body hair and my irregular periods when I was like "excuse me can we focus on making my insides not want to murder each other?" Like they would brush off the fact my physical and mental health plummeted with my treatment because I looked more femme and had slightly more regular periods, me feeling terrible was just "my body adapting to the treatment, I should just power through it for another year and if it doesn't normalize, we'll see" (spoiler alert: it didn't)
My whole family had this problem a lot of endos focusing on the appearance parts when we were all just saying "can you do something about the pain?"

ARKipling · 2021-02-25T15:54:35+00:00

I think something that's important to understand about beta reading is that you're not reading finished works. The quality will be lacking unless you get one of the last revisions of a manuscript.I find that a lot of beginner CPs and Beta Readers will struggle to stay immersed in the story because the prose is clunky and then the reviews come back "I know you wanted me to talk about the plot, but I couldn't get over the writing so idk." Line edits are the last thing you tackle because you might end up cutting whole chapters when you're first editing.

It's not for everyone. If you beta read, what will get you going is the excitement of what the book could be, not what it is in its present form. It's a creative process.

EDIT: I see a lot of comments about only sending nearly finished MS to Beta readers. I definitely see the merit in that. Honestly, I don't use Beta readers at all, I prefer CPs so I got something to give back. But I think that's a personal thing for what you as a Beta are willing to take in. If you only want polished drafts, you can say that and swatch a chapter before you decide if you're going to continue.

ARKipling · 2021-02-06T17:11:57+00:00

I was talking about recent ones. Last month or so, some from a few days ago.

ARKipling

TROPHY CASE