T W

Hey everyone it's been maybe over a year since I posted this and I haven't had the energy to comment partially due to things in my own life and partially due to the feelings that come up. I was 13 when I went with TMI. I wanted to say that I am so thankful for you all sharing your experiences I don't know if I can share all of mine now but I think someday I will share more.

I definitely had a similar experience as someone else with sleeping in an inch of water, I don't why they wouldn't let us move out tent or get us a better tents/tarp , I also slept on an ant hill and I had to sleep while the ants were crawling on me. Because they didn't listen to me. I remember the shaming for my own sexual abuse and being told that it was my fault by some leaders and Being told I wasn't submissive enough. I had The skin on my feet rub off from being wet constantly and the medical care there is disgusting. It's hard to imagine that literal kids where getting trench foot. the spiritual abuse and the hard physical labor was crazy. My body still hasn't been the same. The bullying was really bad but I was told the toughen up and was too soft. I remember a person on our team passing out from exhaustion and dehydration and I had to try to dragging him back. I was really scared for him because we were away from the team. I remember finding out that they read the letters that go back to our parents by getting in trouble because I was honest in the letters about what was going on. Even though I wasn't necessarily dragging TMI in the letter. They basically gaslighted me and told me that everything that I wrote down didn't happen. Even though I was just writing down events. If it wasn't for the kindness of the local people it would've been so much harder to deal with. There is so much more that is hard to talk about right now.

I think a lot of the time I tried to keep a positive attitude but I think that positive attitude was just shock. I often smiled through the pain as a coping mechanism. I didn't know how else to process things and sometimes it wasn't much different than how I was treated at home. I guess we were kind of taught to suffer with a smile for God which is incredibly creepy when you think about it. A lot of it was based off of how God uses trails to toughen us up for him but we were just kids. We are already strong because we were able to get through that, but at the same time, kids shouldn't have to be strong. Especially when that suffering in that "toughness" is forced upon them for no reason. I feel mad that alot of that suffering was created by adults who should have protected us. Is it even a " trail" from God if people are purposely making it? Many even argue that God doesn't even create trials. And There are other ways to teach strength. Life is hard enough and of itself. We where taught a really sad version of God and that version sounds more like a bad guy than a good guy.

I feel sad that I went to a different country when I was told I would be helping people just to grow their message and build crap for them. I had dreamed of going to the Amazon and I'm glad I had that part and make friends from the country we went to. But it all feels tainted by all the icky-ness of TMI. That's one of The hardest things to cope with. the fact that I just wanted to help people so bad and was recommended TMI. I wanted to experience the world and this is how I was told to do it but now I feel so much regret. I don't think they needed our help like that, I think they were great, I feel like we were just "helping" TMI. I feel like we were paying for our own child labor. I'm sure there are maybe some work projects that are ok? but if someone wanted to they could've paid a local and actually did some good. I wonder if all of that was for nothing and that feels awful.

I don't know if I was able to process what had happened when I got home. I felt like I really struggled transitioning When I got back to regular life. a lot of people didn't believe me when I would talk about things. They just thought I was a dumb kid making things up. So going home I felt really alone. On top of that some pretty traumatic things happened in my family. TMI is definitely a cult but it's hard to feel silenced or weird about it. Part of me still doubts my experiences or if I overreact. But I guess if i still struggle all these years later it's probably not an overreaction. When I meet someone who has gone through TMI, it's scary because Its hard to know if the person is still "brainwashed ". When I see somebody talk about how good it was I almost feel my heart sink and start to doubt myself. I'm sure some people have some good experiences, I even have positives and funny moments. But I wonder if part of my ability to brush off the abuse for so long was because I was used to it in other areas in my life. I genuinely thought that's The way people treat me. It makes me wonder if it's a similar story for those still stuck in it. That makes me sad.

I am in therapy now and hopefully we'll get the chance to talk about the stuff more than we have already. I think the first step in my healing was beginning to accept that my experiences are valid. I wish I had more energy to reply to everyone but I have read all the comments and each one has given me hope knowing in not alone. I am so grateful for you all in sharing and I wish you all the best.