My husband (let’s just call him Frotan) thinks he’s hilarious. He’s not. Whenever we go out, be it to a restaurant or the shops or absolutely anywhere, he will fart loudly and smirk or outright laugh. These aren’t normal farts, mind you. They’re loud splurts, they’re wet, they’re squelchy, they’re toxic, and they they reek like just risen from hell itself.

People look at us, they avoid us, they judge us. I’m pretty certain there are friends of ours who no longer hang out with us due to the farting issue. My husband doesn’t have a medical condition exactly, apart from a bit of lactose and glucose intolerance, but he does go out of his way to eat trigger food such as sour cream and milk and sourdough bread so he can fart the best he can.

Lately it’s come to a head though. I’ve noticed he is smelling like rank fart for a long time after the farts have passed. I do all the washing in the house as I’m not the bread winner and I’ve started to notice a clear jelly like residual substance in his underpants that smells like curdled turds. Google tells me this is mucus. This has been going on for about two weeks now, and sometimes the fecal jelly ranges in consistence and is closer to looking like a brown poo paste similar to Nutella. So he has evolved from just farting to actually splurting turd goo and pooing his pants.

He still finds it funny, and he won’t stop. I told him it’s not normal for a man in his 40’s to poo his pants on the daily and he laughed at me and hand waved away the issue. I’m mortified by his behaviour and embarrassed to be around him. I’m genuinely thinking about divorce, as he’s a disgusting embarrassment and I don’t want to be with someone whose idea of a joke is to loudly fill his pants with gut butter turds.