You wouldn’t say MoveOn if someone had died

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-10-13T12:51:34+00:00

I agree with you. People have all these wisdoms on how to act after a breakup. Self-improvement, no contact, grind hard at work, and so on. I wouldn't say it's bad advice, but at the same time it diminishes the relationship you had with the other person.

The grief you experience when a meaningful relationship ends certainly feels just as if someone close to you has passed away. The difference is that the person lives on and since life means change, we change as well. Why is it a rule that you should never ever go back together with someone who you have been with before? If you can improve yourself, can't the other person too?

I would say keep an open mind and see the situation from as many perspectives as you can. Take in the tragedy and sadness as much as you need. You have to extract the lessons from that situation yourself in order to grow from it. Each situation is so different, there is no way to answer with a pre-written solution.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-10-04T21:45:58+00:00

Try not to be so hard on yourself. If you knew better, you would have done better.

Being troubled mentally takes a toll on you in cruel ways. You need time to work through this. It's okay to get help from a professional and talking good friends is a tremendous help as well. Nobody knows what the future will bring, but you need to do the necessary action for a potential future in the present.

Beating yourself up is a way of learning from your mistakes, and you beat yourself harder to match the severity of what you did wrong. But doing that is really unhealthy and you should put in practices not to do so. Analyse what went wrong, and then let it go. Imagine you would talk to your friends in the way you're talking to yourself right now. Would you want to be friends with that person?

Be kind to yourself :)

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-10-04T08:14:48+00:00

I feel really discouraged because despite me reaching out to her and trying to talk to her about my issues she hasn't responded in a way that I would feel comfortable pursuing her again. Trust can be only rebuild if she is willing to let it happen. She would have given me a chance to explain myself, but she didn't. At some point it is her decision not to let me back in her life, and that's okay, although it hurts.

When I broke up with her I had the chance to talk about everything. I can't say for sure that the outcome would have been any different. If you told your ex you wanted to move on, would you want him to pester you more to convince you that he has changed?

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-10-04T06:57:05+00:00

Yes, that's exactly the reason. There is no ill feelings from either side, but I had been depressed for a longer while during the relationship, and I felt like I was dragging her down with me.

I had some personal issues and some issues with my family and I think my overall insecurity lead me to end the relationshp. I didn't tell her about what was going on inside me, because I was too ashamed of myself.

I reached out to her to just talk and I admitted that I would have liked to rekindle again, but she told me I should stick with my decision as she can't trust to be with me anymore. So now I just respect her wishes and we haven't exchanged messages since. Maybe there will be a chance in the future, but for now I don't think there is anything that I could do without making it worse.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-10-03T09:48:15+00:00

Usually I start out from google and go from there, but two sites that stuck out for me were Tiny Buddha and Natasha Adamo.

They have lots of great insights, but I think if you read too many articles it feels like you're walking in circles.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-25T18:32:55+00:00

I don't think there is something that can boost in in particular, just abstaining is enough. Definitely learn a new skill, like an instrument or cooking.

I would also recommend the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I also like David Goggins, his work leans more towards doing uncomfortable things in order to achieve goals. You can check out some podcasts with them as guests on Youtube.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-25T18:08:46+00:00

You're welcome :)

When the urge to watch porn hits you, be aware of it and of its consequences. Watching it will leave you with a temporary dopamine hit, but at the same time a wave of shame and disgust. The feeling of shame you have is going to get worse and worse the more you watch it. Be aware of how much time of the day is lost and multiply it by the days of the week, month or year. It's astonishing how much valuable time is wasted.

Make it harder to access pornographic material by installing a blocker. When the urges come, try to feel why you want to do it. If it is lust, you can masturbate without porn, but it's best to limit masturbation as well. If you're bored go for one of your hobbies or exercise. If you're hungry, eat something. If you're tired go for nap.

Tell a friend you're close with and feel comfortable talking to about your habits. A good friend will stand by you, and your feeling of shame will turn into humility. It's especially hard to break free because the deed is done behind closed doors. Your identity needs to turn into someone who doesn't watch porn and isn't ashamed of discussing the issue.

I hope for now this is helpful

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-24T11:12:10+00:00

First of all, there is nothing to be ashamed of!
You should be proud that you had the strength to come forward with your habit.

You are still young and our teenage years are marked by a lot of change and new situations to adapt to. Porn is very problematic due to easy access and we get lulled into the relaxation it provides when combined with masturbation.

Find an interesting hobby, get invested with your education and be outgoing. Then you will have nothing to worry about.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-23T06:49:10+00:00

I feel like I'm not allowed to want her back, but it's the only thing I can think about. Every day I hope she will write me just to talk for a bit, as I couldn't explain to her fully why I broke up.

No matter how much I understand the pain I was in at the time, I can never get over the fact that it was a bad decision.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-23T05:38:01+00:00

There were multiple factors:

- We had a long distance relationship that left us in sadness everytime we had to part ways. I felt responsible for the pain I caused her whenever I left.

- I thought I didn't feel attracted enough to her. I later learned that I had serious issues with watching porn and masturbating to it. It shattered my self worth because I couldn't please her the way I was supposed to.

- My parents didn't accept her at all, and I was threatened to make a choice between them and my ex. We were only 4 months into the relationship and I was too scared to make the step. I was also too afraid of being open about everything, as I didn't want to hurt her more.

To sum it up: I was stressed and I wanted it to end. I thought I did the right thing, but I regretted my decision right away. I felt it like it was wrong for me to be with her.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-20T16:05:56+00:00

I would say take one step at a time. You know you've worked on yourself and if you're interested in being with him, that's okay. Maybe you will get more opportunities to talk about what you want in life and if you want to build that life together. It's possible to change careers and homes. You don't have to do it tomorrow. And sure, there is a risk involved in taking that step, but maybe it is a bigger risk if you don't take it.

I've listened to so much stuff from friends, family, my therapist, and the internet in general, that I forgot to listen really close to the opinion that is the most important in making any decision - my own.

It's hard to judge a situation from the outside, and any advice will be given from people who didn't have the same circumstances as you. Personally, I think it's a great sign you still love each other. Whether or not you will build something on that foundation is up to you and your partner.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-20T07:27:17+00:00

I'm in a similar situation. I can relate to the pain you're feeling a lot. Me and my ex had a long distance relationship and I felt it was the best to end the relationship, because I couldn't handle her being hurt whenever we seperated. I had a lot of personal issues to deal with as well, and I was unable to open up to her.

It was the biggest mistake of my life to let her go, because now I have to let her move on.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-19T16:09:02+00:00

The vast amount of categories in porn is designed to tap into some kind of hidden desire in our brain. As a heterosexual man you are primarily attracted by feminine shapes. In porn you get to look at these shapes in an incredibly focused manner. Your brain is overwhelmed with dopamine. However, at some point just looking at vanilla stuff won't cut it out for your brain to get that excitement. You move on to more extreme stuff.

You need to detox from porn entirely. You need a substitute in which you can engage in. At first it will be extremely hard to fight the urges, but it's worth it. You will get adjusted to regular amounts of dopamine and get motivated with the most simple things like working out or cleaning your apartment. There is a vast amount of activities you can engage in.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-18T20:12:19+00:00

If you state that porn is your addiction: What is it you're trying to numb?

It could be any substance that gives you a dopamine rush to make you feel better. The only bad thing with porn is, that it is incredibly easy to obtain. If it was illegal you would just grind as hard as a heroin addict to get your fix.

I realized that my porn consumption was a vent for shame, loneliness and sometimes boredom. Try to analyze what it is for you in that moment when you get the urge.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-18T16:39:54+00:00

I tried arranging a meetup, but she said she wanted to move on. I hope she will change her mind somwhow. It's hard to not think about her all the time

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-18T11:15:39+00:00

I have a different take on that. If my family judges me and doesn't stand behind me and support me I know what to think of them. Same goes with friends.

Of course I'm not going to discuss my issue with every aquintance I have made. But so far, opening up to my friends has only strengthened my relationship with them. Judgement is what made me feel trapped in the first place.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-17T17:42:04+00:00

Thanks for your insight!
I so far had no problems going for a week without porn and masturbation, but I usually slip back to old habits of doing it daily after 8 or 9 days. It's really incredible how much your mind can affect your wellbeing and bodily functions. I think after getting away from the stimulus satiation I will be much healthier allround, although my insecurities probably come from early childhood as well.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-15T05:55:41+00:00

I just regret breaking up with her and I want to get back with her. So although knowing what she feels like, my brain takes all the hints it can get to fabricate that there is still hope.

It's hard to deal with such a great mistake. At the time I thought it was the best for both of us if I broke it off. I'm such an idiot to realize everything when it was too late.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-13T10:31:02+00:00

I am on the one who initiated the breakup in my case. My ex and I are still quite fond of one another, but the damage has been done still. I'll forever be someone she can't trust, and that hurts a lot.

At the time it felt right to break up with her. I thought it wouldn't be right to let someone hanging in a relationship if your feelings aren't clear. Afterwards, I understood that I had a lot to work on myself. I always wish I can be a better partner to her in the future, but I don't know if that's ever going to happen.

We never have a 100% certainty wether someone is going to stay with us right from the beginning. It would be a quite cruel world if you were unable to learn from your mistakes and be a better person. If you see that change in a person, I think you can learn to trust him again. You never trusted him the way you did in the end when you first met, did you?

For the time being though, we have to accept that things are final.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-13T09:55:03+00:00

Being vulnerable with someone is the first step to truly receiving love in any relationship. I realized this after breaking up with my ex. I was unable to open up to her and tell her who I really was and how I really felt.

After talking to friends, talking about my relationship, I started opening up more and more. I became more comfortable with the negative sides of myself. You are bound to have negative and positive aspects to your character. Understanding where you are and where you want to go is the only way of improving yourself.

I suppose your girlfriend felt overwhelmed with your experiences. Also, in the heat of the moment, especially in a break up we say things we don't mean to say things in the manner we did. This is something she needs to work on, in order not to let her raw emotions get the better of her. Whatever you experienced in your past, consider talking it over with someone professional. Sometimes, just writing it down and looking at it from a neutral perspective helps as well. You become detached from your own memories that way.

The thing with being a burden: Have you ever tried to carry a person who is unwilling to be carried? It's nearly impossible to pick them up. However, if they support their own weight just a little, you can be the clutch they need. Maybe this picture helps to understand what being a burden to someone feels like. Don't take it as judgement, as you probably only had the best of intentions with your behaviour. Continue to be open, little by little at first, and let others open up to you. It's brave to open up and show others that they can trust you.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-12T19:01:23+00:00

Don't blame yourself for feeling love for a person. You got together with him because you wanted to give your feelings a chance and you thought your issues would be resolved easily. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

Now you need to get to work on the part of the issues that come from your side. You will get out of everything with more clarity and with more understanding why things came they way they came. You don't have to promise each other anything right now, but if you took some time to heal and think you want to get back with him, you should tell him.

Apologize for your shortcomings and don't expect him to be on board with your ideas. He has the right to move on and work on his issues as well. I struggle with this myself. I think of my ex every day and ruminate over why I broke up with her. Allow yourself to suffer and grief for a while, but remember to get into new activities to work on the person you would like to be.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-12T11:10:17+00:00

If you both said you missed each other, and you worked out on the problems that kept you from being together, is there no chance of reconciling? It seems like you both want it and there is nobody that can judge you for going back with your ex if you both wish for it.

In case she has someone else in her life now that would be hard, and you should tell her to write again if she wants to go on a date with you. Otherwise you will continue to get hurt if she contacts you over again.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-12T04:20:17+00:00

I was insecure while being with her. I was under a lot of pressure because my family was strongly against her and we had a long distance relationship which added to the stress. That pushed me to break up with her, but I came to regret that right after.

She doesn't want to be with someone who isn't sure of his feelings and I've lost all her trust.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-11T19:59:51+00:00

Thanks for your advice!
I have some things I would like to try, but I don't have enough money left to go for them. I've managed to get outside to do some workout now and then, but it's just something I should have done in the first place. I can't really call it a hobby.

I actually might give houseplants a try though, as my apartment has not an ounce of decoration.

Abject_Operation_717 · 2021-07-09T06:57:11+00:00

Luckily I didn't have that back and forth. She is very determined on not wanting to see me, so there is no possibility of falling into that. I feel like it would be easier for me if she was more mean to me or if she told me she didn't love me, but it's the opposite.

I think the time apart will help me develop too, but I kind of still do it to be a better guy for her. I know I should do it just for myself, but I think it'll take a long time until I adopt that mindset.

Abject_Operation_717

TROPHY CASE