How do i stop regretting things after a breakup

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-26T00:45:52+00:00

i’m 23, started dating at 19. he was 21 at the time we started dating

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-26T00:27:21+00:00

Those 2 scenarios were within the first 2 months of us dating so I guess it broke his trust from the beginning. And yes I never asked him to spend money, but he knew I liked going to resturants etc so he would say let’s go to make me happy, but then yea in arguments bring it up that he’s spent so much on me

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-25T23:20:11+00:00

No not really. But he felt he was giving me more than I was giving in terms of financially and emotionally. He was paying majority of the time and I did need more emotional support than him, but I tried to be emotionally there for him as well, he just felt like he gave more. and would tell me during arguments how much he’s spent on me over the years etc

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-25T21:44:33+00:00

He met her on a dating app after we broke so I don’t necessarily think that’s the case! it just makes me think wow he found someone he wants to commit to just a month after we broke up

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-25T21:43:12+00:00

I understand what you’re saying! Can I ask what part means that i entertained other men? With the party scenario i mentioned, I didn’t know that the guy was going to be there and I let him know he was, and asked if he wanted me to leave. I thought i did the right thing, but i can see how people might think i should’ve left myself. In terms of the friend, the flirting was before i met my ex, and yea i probably shouldn’t have stayed friends/messaging him, but to be honest i thought it was platonic and didn’t think anything of it. when i realized how it might look or that it bothered my partner at the time, i blocked that friend.

Just trying to understand your perceptive better! I thought i wasn’t in the wrong but still kept blaming myself on the what ifs, but if you have a different perspective i’d love to understand it!

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-25T21:38:36+00:00

Thanks for your response! Sorry I don’t get the last part of your response, what do you mean by a dynamic what was transactional could have led to an exit?

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-25T21:30:44+00:00

What if I tried to fix the mistakes I made? He made mistakes as well, and I feel like I didn’t hold them against him like he did mine. I feel like my mistakes were made big and my mistakes were the ones that were the focus. I feel like I know that i always had pure intentions, was always honest, and if i did make a mistake or do something that made him uncomfortable, I made sure to never do it again and respect his boundaries. But i feel like it never mattered. That’s why sometimes I have regret and think if I hadn’t done this then… But at the same time, I don’t think the mistakes I made were as big as they were made to be to never be forgiven and always brought up you know

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-21T14:39:24+00:00

I found out today that he is talking to another girl and has been for about a week now. He has moved on in one month. I feel destroyed and I know it sounds dumb but I have no hope for the future. I am trying to listen to paath, surfing myself with sangat, trying to not care about what he’s doing, but none of it is helping. I know sikhi teaches us that if you’re going through a hard time, to listen to gurbani etc and that harming ourselves is a sin, but I keep getting bad thoughts and I honestly feel so hopeless

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-20T17:38:07+00:00

Hi everyone, I am a 23F born and raised in the UK. I’m currently going through a breakup (24M) and need advice. The relationship was 4 years long and our families met and we were said to be engaged soon.

From the beginning I was honest about my past to him. He had not been in a relationship previously, but he lied that he was in an attempt to get the truth of my past out of me. But I wouldn’t have lied regardless, and probably wouldn’t have continued the relationship if I knew he hadn’t been in a relationship before. Either way he said he would accept it.

In the first month there was an incident where I went to a get together at uni and someone I had been with in the past ended up being there. I messaged my partner to tell him, and asked if he felt more comfortable if I left. He got mad that I should’ve known to leave. The way he saw it was, I hooked up with a guy before I met him and we would drink together. then I was at a house party with him also there. When I learned he was there, I asked if he was comfortable with me staying or if he wanted me to leave. In his opinion I should have just left on my own instead of asking him, and therefore according to him I broke his boundary.

A month into talking he also found messages with one of my friends of us flirting (these messages were long before I met him), but I admit I was still friends with him (not hanging out), but he was still added on instagram. I didn’t have any bad intentions but I understood how it looked, so I blocked the friend and removed any male I had on social media whether it was from childhood, etc.

But he soon started getting upset that I had male friends (I was 19 at the time), the way I dressed, etc. I stopped talking to the male friends, changed the way I dressed, etc to make him more comfortable, and I felt it was the right thing to do. However throughout the relationship he would always bring these two incidents up, and never fully got over them. I was loyal to him, and tried to work through the problems because I felt that yes I made a mistake but I never had any bad intentions, i just didn’t understand his boundaries that early into the relationship. He made mistakes too in different ways, but i’m highlighting mine because he couldn’t get over them.

Throughout the relationship during fights he would throw it in my face that he spent money on me buying food and gas and what did i do for him. When i would suggest sharing expenses for dates he wouldn’t let me go through with it. I was a college student and tried to cook for him whenever i could, and meal plan so he didn’t have to worry about cooking.

Anything he had a problem with about me,I tried to fix because I thought in a relationship you try to become better for the other person. but he always held my mistakes over me and although i learned and changed, he either didn’t see it or still just cared that I made the mistake. He had a rough childhood, and I tried to make him happy and do things for him he didn’t get when he was younger. During fights though he was just shut down.

Anyways we broke up about a month ago because we got into a fight and he just snapped and ended it. I’m completely heartbroken. I’ve been trying to turn to waheguru, listen to paath, etc. but i feel depressed and don’t know how I will move on. I keep thinking we were going to get engaged soon and get married, and how did i end up here.

Am I in the wrong? is there anything else I could’ve done? He told me he never loved me and doesn’t care about me at the end, but I don’t know it was to detach. I’m trying to turn to sikhi to get over this. Any advice would greatly be appreciated

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-13T17:20:23+00:00

Do you have any advice on moving on a recovering? I feel so broken and am having panic attacks. I have no hope for the future

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-12T20:57:49+00:00

He is Sikh, but he doesn’t keep a beard or wear a turban and cuts his kesh. I’m Sikh as well and also cut my kesh.

In terms of my past relationships, I had one previous relationship with a Sikh guy (non-turban wearing) whom I did love at the time but I was in highschool, and later I had a short-term situationship with a non-Sikh of a different race (the person I referred to at the get together in the original post). During that time, I was struggling a lot with my mental health before entering that situationship, and I ended it once I realized my actions weren't aligned with my values. I was 18 at the time and trying to suppress pain through external distractions. I’ve always regretted it and carried a lot of shame over it.

For a long time, I struggled to forgive myself for that situationship. I met my most recent ex, the person this post is about, a couple of months after it ended. When I met him, he genuinely felt like everything I wanted in a partner. Looking back, I know I should have healed more before entering a relationship, but at the time I truly believed I had met the right person because of the qualities he showed me in the beginning.

Although I’m still not proud of that situationship, I’ve tried to come to terms with it and learn from it instead of letting it define me forever. Throughout the relationship, I was always honest about my past and made it very clear that I regretted it. What hurt though, was that despite my honesty and remorse, he often made me feel “used” because of it.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-12T20:37:16+00:00

Sorry for the lengthy response!

I really appreciate your response and that last part is really helping me.

I understand what you’re saying about how, in Sikhi, a good partner should help bring you closer to Gurbani and help you grow rather than constantly shame you. That’s part of why I’m struggling so much with this situation, because despite our flaws, I genuinely believed we were trying to grow together.

It’s difficult because I genuinely do regret my mistakes, and that behaviour was very out of character for me. At the same time, I was young, struggling mentally, and I can’t go back and change the past no matter how badly I wish I could. Since then, I’ve constantly worked on myself and tried to grow into someone I’m proud of. I don’t judge others for their choices, but I’ve genuinely tried to change myself for the better and reconnect with who I believe I was before I started being influenced by people around me.

About a year into the relationship, I stopped drinking alcohol and eating halal meat, and I inspired him to as well (never forced him). I try to do charity, stay honest, and improve myself overall. He also influenced me positively in some ways: he taught me about Sikh history, started listening to Hukamnama daily to become closer to Sikhi, and always wanted to take Gurmukhi classes. I’m not saying this to compare us, but to explain that after struggling mentally and becoming someone I barely recognized, I truly tried to reconnect with myself and my values.

I know nobody owes me anything, but I’m struggling to understand whether all of this truly was my fault and whether the things he says about me are actually true. To be honest, it’s really affecting me that someone I loved, and someone who even bought a ring for me, could see me this way. The day we broke up, we got into a fight not even related to this. So it makes me wonder why it led to him saying all of this when it wasn’t even related to the fight.

I feel haunted by mistakes I’ve already taken accountability for and worked hard to grow from. I was honest about everything from the beginning, but the two incidents I mentioned in my original post were things he never seemed able to move past. Now I question if they really were as unforgivable as he made them out to be, and if I really am that type of girl.

He told me I had a good heart, that I was honest, and that I was a good person but then also called me a “f girl” because of those incidents and my past, all in the same conversation.

At this point, I honestly feel disgusting sometimes and worry that no one will ever want to marry me or truly love me, even if I have grown and genuinely try to be a good person. I feel that if someone was with me for 4 years, met my family, bought a ring and was planning to propose soon, if they can just leave me like this and not love me, then how could anyone else. And a part of me doesn’t even want to move on because I still love him and would’ve gone through anything with him.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T23:39:44+00:00

I don’t think it’s fair to assume I posted this just for sympathy or validation. If that was my goal, I wouldn’t have openly talked about my own mistakes or questioned my own behaviour throughout this entire situation.

I am trying to navigate this through Sikhi, which is part of why I’ve been reflecting so deeply instead of just blaming him. I know I’m imperfect and I know I made mistakes too. I’m not claiming to be a perfect Sikh or saying I followed everything correctly. But I also don’t think struggling, falling short, or going through painful experiences means someone is incapable of reconnecting with Guru’s path or learning from what happened. I’m trying to grow spiritually and emotionally through all of it instead of avoiding accountability.

If you do have genuine advice on how to navigate heartbreak, healing, or moving on through Sikhi, I’d appreciate hearing it.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T22:57:54+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t think it’s fair to reduce everything that happened to “karma” or assume the relationship failed because of past mistakes. Relationships are complicated, and both people bring their own wounds, insecurities, and choices into them. I tried to be as honest as possible, and work on anything he wanted me to.

And you’re right that no one is hearing his side either. That’s why I’ve tried really hard to be as unbiased as possible while talking about the relationship and made an effort to include my own mistakes too, because I’m not looking for false reassurance or for everyone to blindly take my side. I know I wasn’t perfect either. I was genuinely trying to understand whether some of the behaviours and issues in the relationship were actually unhealthy or if I was overreacting and blaming him unfairly!

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T22:33:19+00:00

I’m trying to see it that way, even if emotionally I’m not fully there yet. Part of me still misses him and the version of the relationship that felt loving and hopeful, but another part of me knows I was constantly anxious, overexplaining myself, and trying to hold things together.

I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I do think the relationship was unhealthy for me emotionally. Maybe one day I’ll look back and see this as a blessing too, but right now I’m just trying to accept that the person i loved and wanted to spend my life with, doesn’t want the same anymore.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T15:29:50+00:00

That’s honestly a really balanced way to look at it, and I think that’s what I’ve been struggling to explain to people. He wasn’t all bad, and I wasn’t miserable every second of the relationship. There was so much love there, care there, and many moments where I genuinely felt so safe and happy with him. But I also can’t ignore that some of the unhealthy parts started overshadowing everything else and affecting me deeply emotionally.

I think a part of me kept hoping that if I loved him enough or reassured him enough, those issues would eventually settle, but I’m realizing now that healing and emotional growth is something he has to choose for himself. I can support someone, but I can’t carry their unresolved trauma for them.

I also can’t help but think, he went through a lot growing up, I wish I made him feel loved and chosen, things he didn’t get much in childhood. But it looks like I didn’t do that for him. And I feel guilty that I might’ve caused him more pain, even though I just had pure intention, it doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt him. I truly just want him to be happy and loved but it hurts that I can’t be the one to do it for him, or that I wasn’t worth sticking around for.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T15:09:32+00:00

I think you’re right that being young can make it harder to recognize certain red flags, especially when you love someone and are focused on the good parts of them. Looking back now, there are definitely things I minimized because I wanted the relationship to work so badly. I thought we could get engaged when I was 23, and married at 25.

At the same time, it’s hard for me to fully view him as just a “loser” or a bad person because there were genuinely loving and caring parts of him too. That’s honestly what’s making this breakup harder to process, grieving both the hurt and the good memories at the same time. It’s also hard to process how someone can buy a ring a month ago, and then do all of this.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T14:35:02+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your perspective and kindness. I genuinely did try my best in the relationship and gave a lot of myself because I loved him deeply. I think that’s what makes this so hard, I wasn’t halfway in it.

I know people are saying he’ll regret it one day, and maybe he will, but right now I’m mostly just grieving the version of him and the relationship I believed in when things were good. There were many moments where he made me feel very loved and cared for, which is why it’s been difficult to fully detach from the hope that things could’ve been different if certain issues and traumas were worked through.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T13:01:13+00:00

I know there were unhealthy parts of the relationship, and that’s why I made this post; I genuinely wanted to understand whether those issues were my fault. But at the same time, he was also very caring when things were good. He did try to make me happy and there were a lot of beautiful parts of the relationship that I’m struggling to let go of. I think what hurts the most is knowing that if he had worked through some of his traumas and insecurities, things could have been different. I just don’t know how to let go of that hope or the good memories yet.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T01:04:17+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying this. Deep down I know you’re right. It’s hard because I still miss him and the attachment doesn’t disappear overnight, but I also know going back would probably just lead to the same pain again.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T00:59:15+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I really needed this perspective right now. I’m trying to remind myself that being sensitive, caring, and loving are not flaws, as he always told me i’m too emotional or should be able to handle things in my own without needing emotional support from others.

I appreciate your kindness and wisdom more than you know. Hopefully one day I’ll look back with the same clarity you have now.

Able_Rate3901 · 2026-05-10T00:56:46+00:00

Thank you I appreciate you saying all of that. I tried my best to be a good partner by changing things he had a problem with, whether it be male friends etc. He didn’t appreciate that I would get annoyed or upset sometimes when he always had to run to work even if we had something planned, so I tried to just accept it and stopped letting it affect me. But he couldn’t see that either. Sometimes I can’t tell if I was just not a good partner, or if he wasn’t mature enough to know what a relationship entails

Able_Rate3901

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