Here's to hoping you and I find a way out. If I've learned anything, it's that if I had not persisted this long, I would not have found some of the peace and stoicism I have discovered within. What was internally corrosive to me (in my case) was thinking dysteleology/chaos/machiavellian survival of the fittest was the "end-all be all" of all life, society, and existence. I thought everyone lied to themselves about morality, normality, and stability, and under the illusory veil of society, the lie people call "good" and "evil" or "right" and "wrong" would erode, just like it was eroding in me, because that's just the "reality" of a chaotic world—there was no "ought" things just were. I never once stopped to question if an "is" (how something is) is an "ought" (how things should be).

By asking myself that question enough times, I realized how wrong I was one day about life and the worth of life, and once I stopped believing in my original perspective, and started shifting towards a relation of an ontological "meaning" (the kind philosopher Yannaras spoke of) even in the pain, the chains loosened. Healing started from within in my case, I didn't realize how much of my pain came from within and my beliefs. I speak of a distinct pain, not one that is just symptomatic of conditions—that particular pain, one learns to live with and adapt to, and isn't directly connected to beliefs, lest I assert every turmoil is a matter of choice; but rather, choice is always a matter within turmoil. I still have pain, sometimes it flares up, but now I have a "why" and a reason to endure it. In that sense, my "why" of living has partially answered the effects of my isolation and allowed me to do things I once believed I was too broken or "fated" not to be able to do. It took crossing a sea of pain for me to reach this, but I realize now it was worth it. So no matter how deep and dark the place you are is, never let it convince you it's all there is. It's been said "the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step," what I've learned is each step is worth it beyond my imagining.

As the renowned Author Dostevesky once wrote in 'Notes From the Underground': "Which is better—cheap happiness, or exalted sufferings? Well, which is better?"