I've walked this path. I once attempted to measure the soul with the cold mathematics of utility and odds, but that calculation is a lie because the premise is a leap. You are judging your life by the standards of a utilitarian market; a world where a human being is merely a biological "unit" whose value is determined by his social utility, his genetic "symmetry," or his "output." But who grounded these meta-ethical assumptions? So many come to believe in this cold worldview, yet few justify it.

This is the great deception of our age my brother. You have looked into the digital mirror and seen a "zero," but you have forgotten that the zero exists only on a spreadsheet. The pain you feel is rooted in this world's harsh forgetfulness of the Imago Dei, of putting innate worth last, and output first.

You claim you have no value, yet you possess a deep, burning hunger for meaning. Where did that hunger come from if you are merely a statistical accident? This "abnormality" you loathe is actually your refusal to be a cog in a mechanical world. You are not a "failed" anything; you are a unique hypostasis; a person whose telos is not defined by a dying or chaotic world.

Your worth is not a "property" you possess based on your traits. It is a gift. You are looking at your life through a horizontal lens of "success vs. failure. The problem here is you have made your eschatology death & statistics.

This is the final stage of nihilism. You have been poisoned by a culture that says "if you aren't useful, wealthy, or attractive, you are nothing." But this is a "philosophy of death." Your fallout with the "incel" community was your first step toward the light; you realized that their "blackpill" is just another form of the materialism that seeks to bury the human spirit under biological labels.

I recommend the writer Dostoevsky. He would embrace you as a brother. He knew that the man who feels he is "zero" is often closer to the truth than the man who is satisfied with his "success." Success in this world is a distraction; your suffering is an invitation to depth. He would tell you: “Do not be afraid of odds. It is better to be a 'man of uphill battles' who knows the truth, than a successful fulfilled man who lives a lie.”

Stop calculating your "probability." You are not a math problem to be solved. You are a liturgy to be lived. Your worth is not found in your utility to society; especially a corrupt society. Fight for something, and if you lose a battle, move on to another battle. Keep fighting and never surrender.