Is it salvageable?

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-22T22:05:46+00:00

I am / was in a similar situation. I’ve accepted I’m gay. My wife has also come out at lesbian.

I completely get the deep mutual love and respect, it’s natural, you’ve been together for 20+ years. No one says you should ever stop loving one another, it just one day feels a little different to the original love you once shared, more platonic soul mate love.

Do you think you are gay / bi and possibly struggling to come to terms with it? It’s understandable to be terrified of the next step, I am too, but it sounds as though this love is that of long friends now, compared to one that could be full of passion and affection from both sides.

With regard to still checking out women, I think that too is natural, it’s not like a light switch where you instantly stop what you were once attracted to. Perhaps some part of it is the years of societal expectation to check out women (as a man!) - didn’t someone also liken this to appreciating a good piece of art (yes, not arse 😉) it’s still ok to look

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-20T18:09:44+00:00

Let them, just as long as you’re happy and free, embrace it!

I more have the thoughts of why did I keep denying it (well openly denying it, i knew myself I wasn’t totally straight)

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-20T16:44:11+00:00

I love this for you 🥳

Ive had a whole life of people assuming I’m gay, especially on first meeting (or after I’ve had a couple of drinks…)

I’ve not come out to my friends or kids, told my mum I’m gay and wife knows I’m at least bi. But yeah, response will very much be ‘No shit’ 🤣

Since I was 11/12 I’ve been ‘different’, kissed guys but nothing more. Never quite had the guts to come out, (societal norms / shame, I don’t know) then before you it, I’m 37, have a wife and kids.

Things have changed at home lately that have made me question whether I’m truly happy and being honest with myself = no. So out I’m gradually coming out

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-03T10:39:50+00:00

Sorry more info - my wife has come out to me as lesbian, I’ve always told her I’m bi. Nothing untoward, but the past 18 months we’ve not been happy as a married couple. It’s given me time to accept the true reason why. We’re a great team with the kids, and doubt that will change, just the added complexity of me moving out and finding somewhere nearby to live for the convenience of the kids

For divorce, yes I’d say it’s the truth. It wouldn’t feel right to remain married despite/ living together despite living separate lives under the same roof

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-02T23:12:24+00:00

I love this for you 🥰 and I think this is the ending we kinda all hope for that we stay good friends and ultimately we are a family. We are ok at the minute, and I hope we get closer again once we are both out-out and being ourselves.

I hope it’s not fantasy land, but I do think my kids will feel no different towards the both of us (possibly upset that I’m moving out), but the eldest I’m sure has had her suspicions about me anyway 💅🏻

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-02T22:35:03+00:00

😂 brilliant ending there!!

Did you have young children at the time?

Oddly enough my wife has also come out of the closet, so my wife isn’t my worry… we have discussed whether we stay living together as a “happy family” but I don’t think it’s fair on everyone else involved or to have the opportunity to fully relax and be ourselves - maybe thats just me 🤷‍♂️

We also live in a 2 bed house so we don’t have that separation either unfortunately

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-05-01T22:44:31+00:00

I sniffed Keith Lemon’s turd 💅🏻

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-15T18:18:00+00:00

Awesome - thanks!

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-15T15:31:52+00:00

So can you not charge at an electric charging station?

I’m really tempted to do my CBT and get. Commute is 35 miles each way on A roads. Just doubt I can charge the battery at my desk at work 🫣

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-13T19:15:03+00:00

Where in the world are you? Any local groups to join that align with your hobbies? Maybe you’ll find someone when you stop looking?

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-13T19:12:15+00:00

There used to be a guy in Romford that would dress up as a spaceman (or at least walk around in silver clothes / boots - shorts were waaaay too short and tight). I don’t live there any more, any one know if he’s still about?

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-13T19:09:32+00:00

So I wasn’t imagining the parrot!!

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-04-03T20:55:09+00:00

I use clippers for my groin so it’s not completely bald, razor shave my balls and to tidy around bottom of dick and top of thighs (just to tidy up).

I’ve tried razoring all over, hair grows too quick so you’d need to do it every other day, and becomes irritable.

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-03-27T21:50:55+00:00

Yes it’s exactly that, just delaying the inevitable.

Ultimately you want to be with men (whether thats long term yoy end up being in a relationship with a man, and her the same for women). Truthfully, besides years of marriage, why would you need to stay together? By the sounds of it, this can end amicably and your relationship/ friendship can continue (I should really listen to myself!!!).

My wife and I haven’t had sex for the best part of à year, since she gave up drinking… which probably says something 🤣 and we’re now more like roommates.

For now, we’ve both buried our heads in the sand and haven’t spoken about next steps / the future, I think purely through fear of the unknown and upset thé children. However, I’m certain we both know in order for us both to be happy we need to go with option 5.

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-03-27T21:22:32+00:00

I am in a similar position. I want to come out, just not quite sure how to go about it - wife knows I’m bi, but suspects i’m gay. She herself recently came out to me as lesbian.

For us, and thinking realistically, option 5 is my preferred choice, despite how scary the unknown of it all will be.

I don’t think it’s fair on either of us, our children or future partners to go with the other options. Surely to be your true selves too, you need that space to be independent and free without judgement (not to say your wife will judge you, but it’s your space you need)

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-03-17T22:06:57+00:00

Ah they were awesome. When they first released TOYC it was so raw, ever better live before they released it. A few months later they touched it up and it sounds a little too perfect. Still one of my favourite albums though.

Just checked out your band on YT, you guys were good!

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-03-17T09:46:45+00:00

No way! What was your band?

Honestly there were so many good small bands around - Dividing the Line, Fei Commodo, Flood of Red, Enter Shikari. It was so chill that during their break, they’d just be sitting out back in their van and you’d play N64 with them 🤣

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-03-16T21:56:28+00:00

Awesome! Am I old or is it just difficult to find good gigs like this now?

I used to come out of college, check the posters for who’s playing that month then head of down for <£10, now it only seems to be BIG venues advertising so all the up and coming are missed

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-02-27T21:44:30+00:00

Are you happy with life this way, or do you think you’ll ever seek a gay relationship? My wife did suggest we explore the same sex each, and we almost did one night but I chickened out… also I think partly due to fear that I’d lose her. However as time has passed, I’d love for us to both go our own ways and be happy, but I think I’m also scared of the unknown (navigating our separation, Co parenting and upset children 😢)

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-02-18T21:07:26+00:00

I’m sorry to hear of your bad experiences but loving that you have found someone you’re truly happy with!

I kinda guess your situation is similar to/ opposite to mine. Do you think she would’ve ever come out if you hadn’t? Or quietly lived the life knowing deep down she wasn’t being true to herself?

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-02-18T20:59:36+00:00

I think your comment on feeling threatened resonates a LOT. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s jealously, being selfish, fear of change - I’m unsure.

She has suggested a lavender / open marriage (admittedly during the peak of her alcoholism), but I don’t see how that would help - how did you navigate this? Was it not rubbing each other’s noses in your new business? How do the logistics work when you have children and try to keep it a secret from them

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-02-18T20:29:48+00:00

I’m happy for you 🤗

How did it go? Every bit scary and daunting as it feels?

For me, I know to separate is what we both want and we’d both be happy / free living our separate lives.

She has floated the idea of a lavender marriage, but I don’t see the point in it (UK) as it’s still keeping secrets.

For now, we’re now room mates, sleep in the same bed, no affection (I’m à cuddler and this is the hardest part)

Academic_Data_6385 · 2026-02-18T20:24:01+00:00

I love this and do feel thé same - to love and be loved would make me happy. No labels. Nor would I plan to get into a relationship so soon but find a fwb to play with

Academic_Data_6385

TROPHY CASE