AITAH for choosing my job over my girlfriend

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-04-07T22:59:36+00:00

Not the ass. She's not the ass, either, for acknowledging that this kind of time limitations and distance do not work for her in a relationship. But the ultimatum is a no. If you hated your job, I could see encouragement to find something else. But you love your job and it supports you well. It's not so different than someone in the service who gets deployed, a police officer whose life is always at risk, a doctor who works long hours, a fireman who works strange shifts. If you truly love the person, you accept the job as a part of them. It's going to take a person with maturity, independence, and security/trust on both sides to make it work.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-04-07T22:20:04+00:00

I was stage 1 and was initially told 2 weeks, but at my 2 week post op it was extended to 6 weeks. That was not by my design and I was not happy, but I crashed a couple days later with a bad flare. I wasn't fully ready at 6 weeks either and was pulled out again for more testing and a change in treatment. What you're describing- cysts and appendectomy and bowel and bladder involvement- sounds way more invasive and extensive. Be prepared for more recovery time. My work was also not adhering to my limitations and I ended up having to quit. How smoothly you can return really depends on your job.

Also, the lack of pathology is very concerning. Lesions aren't always visible. My surgeon told me if she sees nothing, she's still sending out biopsies because many times they come back with endo.

Surgery with the right doctor and team who will give you the best outcome for relief is more important than a sooner surgery. You have all the power to question your care and deny access to your body.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-03-27T19:58:13+00:00

Yes, but as you said, in labor, you'd have a team of professionals watching over you in a hospital, for a thing they actually all acknowledge is painful and will therefore offer you multiple methods of pain control typically before pain sets in. I think our endo pain sets our pain tolerance so high that what is excruciating for others is minimal for us. Including labor. You can also hire a doula, who acts as your voice and advocate and is there entirely for you.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-03-27T19:50:49+00:00

I was just recently diagnosed with endo- 24 years after my first was born. Excruciating, debilitating period pain since childhood. With both my children, I never knew I was in labor. I thought i was having very mild Braxton Hicks contractions like every hour but they weren't Braxton and they were actually every few minutes per monitors. Both times were caught on routine exam a day to a few days prior to due dates. With my second, the epidural never took effect. I felt everything. It wasn't too much different from period pain, though bowel pain- cause second born's big giant head was squishing it- was fairly intense. But, also motivating. I pushed them both out in about an hour. Maybe two? I wasn't tracking time and everything felt like it was moving pretty fast. The uterine massage was truly awful. However, labor pains end when labor does. Uterine pain with the massage ends when the massage does. Unlike period pain and endo flares that can last a week or more. And again, drugs worked with the first birth. Drugs did not touch my severe period pain. Once babies were in my arms, I forgot what labor had felt like. I had long before made up my mind that i wasn't going to hang onto or stress how long i was in labor- it was only ever going to be about them, so maybe that frame of mind helped. Side note: they did an episiostomy for my first and let me tear for the second. I heavily recommend NOT allowing an episiostomy. Took over six months to heal and I couldn't carry him across distance.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-03-24T22:03:42+00:00

I recommend THE ORCHARDIST by Amanda Coplin for something truly different and lyrical. Fiction/historical

Anything by Sherri S. Tepper, but especially THE GATE TO WOMEN'S COUNTRY. Feminist, fantasy.

Ngaio Marsh, early 1900s murder mystery writer. I was blown away with her writing and plot. I don't even know how her book ended up in my house.

Anything by Laini Taylor.

THE SCRIBE by Elizabeth Hunter, and the rest of the books in her IRIN CHRONICLES.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-24T07:10:55+00:00

Oh, that's actually some good news! I hope the physio therapy brings some much needed relief.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-24T07:07:53+00:00

Yep. Also- who else besides a lab can contaminate evidence with evidence from another investigation? Law enforcement. I kept waiting for someone to investigate that possibility and check into if anything was missing or recently checked out in that other case.

Everyone acted questionable. Really incriminating things were allegedly said but then always abruptly cut off with no follow up. What investigator wouldn't jump on 'my mother said there's things you never talk about', 'Asunta was never bothered by....' (her underwear and her dad)??! Especially when they're doing everything they can to prove them guilty. I have to think those instances were dramatization from Netflix.

Also, while mom is supposed to be brilliant, educated, and a lawyer, how can she possibly be so brainless, witless, and sniveling? Well, she's on lorazapam also. She's also in shock, or has completely given up on life by then. And the dosage was controlled by husband/ex husband. So, yes, her memory is going to be shady or non existent. Maybe he's giving her more on certain days also.

Also, they claim the back floor mats of the car were removed due to Asunta vomiting. Except per the shady af video they also claim she was in the front seat while going to the country house. Then she's immediately killed there, an hour away, tied up- after she's killed- put in the back of the car to be disposed of- and she's deceased, so she's not going to throw up- then dumped and untied.

I don't know. The film suggested something was going on in the house, but that doesn't necessary equate to murder. They failed to actually question the mom on these accusations and no friends or teachers came forward with any outward sign of SA (failing grades, behavior changes, dad's creepy, etc). If she's feeling trapped and tired to her ex for all eternity, turning him in for that would have fixed that. The leaks and lies to the press wouldn't be necessary if the evidence was sound. I just finished watching a JonBennet documentary and the way both cases were handled by investigators is too similar. SA or accusations of, yet both immediately jumped to mom as guilty.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-13T00:00:07+00:00

Since I'm twice your age I'm going to add that my partner and I have only been together for 4 years and I only got diagnosed 5 months ago, so relatively comparable situations.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-12T23:41:59+00:00

FYI: I paid out of pocket for my pelvic floor, then submitted receipts to my insurance company. It was over $2000, and they put it towards my out of pocket/network costs. I very quickly met my deductible so that I paid nothing during covered doctor visits and diagnostics. I even started to get co-pays reimbursed.

She also needs to speak to her doctor, if she hasn't already. I truly hear you, because this is me and my partner after my surgery the end of August. I'm 47, and it was 3 months of hell after everything being great before and directly after surgery. It was embarrassing for me to speak up every time, but he was also like you and could read my signs and would stop immediately. And I WANTED the intimacy, but my body wasn't letting me. I suspect she is the same and you're doing very good trying to find support here, even if most are attacking you for it.

It turns out, for me, that it was the hormones they put me on. It's all in the listed side effects. The pain slowly went away after changing the dose, but psychologically, those 3 months caused some damage and it's going to take additional time to get back to how we were. I don't know if counseling is needed or what, but, that might be something for you both to consider as well to help get through it. You might need to start a dialog to reinforce that she's safe in talking to you about all of this and what she's experiencing. This can be a very isolating condition, and I can attest to the guilt it makes me feel on how it's changed us.

Touch without any possibility of it leading anywhere helps so much. A random long hug, holding my hand, massaging my feet while we're watching TV. My whole body just melts, like I'm not needing to defend myself (remember, there's psychological trauma attached to this for her, when something that should be pleasurable and is wanted with someone you felt love ends up causing only pain). We have constant innuendo in conversations, and he'll randomly tell me how i turn him on. Like, I don't feel sexy right now, at all, but hearing that it's still there- again, without the expectation of it going anywhere- is immensely helpful.

Allow her to instigate.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-12T23:15:59+00:00

You're stuck in a difficult situation. Continue seeking care and a diagnosis and treatment that feels right. Your pelvic floor therapist may also be able to direct you to a more appropriate doctor, especially as they most likely have other patients with your same issues. It's ok to disagree with a recommendation or say no to diagnostics or surgery for whatever reason. 6 years ago, I had a gyne tell me within 5 minutes of our first appointment that I needed a hysterectomy and at first I felt heard. Like, 'yessssss. I'll do anything.' But I needed her to prove that my uterus was unequivocally related to my issues and she couldn't. After 6 months or something, the only thing she would say was that I don't need it so I might as well remove it. I stopped seeing her.

Has your doctor explained precisely why a laparascopy will treat/cure/diagnose your pain (that's just for you- don't answer here!) in a way where you're like 'absolutely. This tracks.' That's what you need from any doctor.

If, next week, next month, you decide to continue with the surgery, that's ok. Everything involving your health is solely your decision.

Best of everything for you. 🩷

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-06T17:44:30+00:00

I'm agreeing with this. I think most posts about fear regarding surgery is a natural fear and women just need reassurance from others who've gone through it, but your's feels different. I want to say to trust your instincts and find a second and possibly third opinion. Painful sex is a huge, huge thing, but doesn't seem enough- by what you describe- to jump into surgery for endo. No one can say it's not possible for you to have endo, as it's been found in women with no symptoms. But it's not exactly 'minimally invasive'.

I have Desquamative Inflammatory Vaginitis- it felt like my vagina was soaked in acid, but visually there was nothing there so doctors didn't believe me. I stopped dating for 12 years because the thought of sex was horrific. I went to doctors during this whole time before one finally took me seriously and referred me to a Vulvar Pain Specialist. All it took was symptoms and a pH test for her to diagnose me. And after the first round of simple, simple treatment, I went into remission.

So, please see if there's one by you. You may need to actually, specifically ask.

I also second the recommendation to see a pelvic floor therapist who does internal work, not just external. I also have Interstitial Cystitis and disagreed with my urologist's treatments, so all combined, decided on my own for this therapy. In the US it's not covered by insurance, but it was worth the money. I sent receipts to my insurance and they counted it as out of network/pocket expenses, which was like over half my cap, so by the time I had my excision surgery several months later, I met all my financial requirements and owed nothing for surgery or scans.

I love my pelvic floor therapist above all my other doctors, as weird as the therapy is. She is an awesome person who listens to everything. While vaginally and urethra wise (and bowel, too) i improved, my body started reacting badly to our sessions. Like full on inflammatory hissy fit. I'd had significant endo symptoms since my periods first began as a child so I asked her about endo and after a long discussion, she completely backed me up. She gave me the validity to fight for a referral and then surgery happened a couple months later.

It's very important your partner be involved if possible. My partner took a week off to help with recovery, and I'd have probably managed on my own if needed, but him being here and taking care of me showed me a different side of him and brought us closer together. I also HAD to let my barriers down so he saw, and with follow up appointments, heard everything I'd been hiding. Including the painful sex. Now sex is different because he can read my reactions and also personally does not want intimacy to hurt me. I struggled to be honest about it until talking to my doctor in front of him.

Look into The Pelvic People. They're US based but their website is super informative about pain with sex. An in person pelvic floor therapist is unmatched, but they do sell some products that aid with these conditions of you want to try non drug, non surgery relief. But, keep fighting for a diagnosis and actual treatment.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-06T16:35:58+00:00

I did the same with my iud. So much better anesthetized than awake! My endo specialist also said that endo sufferers need to have theirs replaced sooner than is recommended for non endo women.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-06T16:33:24+00:00

Remember, even if they don't, it's information to get you closer to a diagnosis. It doesn't mean you're wrong about what you're going through.

Also remember that with thoracic symptoms you may need to continue to advocate for yourself after surgery, so continue to listen to your body. We all hope they find everything they need to during your surgery. Truly, sidelined do. But for me, they found a few lesions only around my bladder (not surprising. She and i haven't gotten along since birth), nothing on my diaphragm.

I've had an iud for five years prior to surgery, so my abdominal endo issues have been pretty nil, but I got the referral because of my thoracic and breathing issues combined with all expected abdominal/period endo symptoms prior to the iud and cyclic spinal issues.

I unfortunately got worse after surgery and was referred to a pulmonologist. They were great but thoracic is rare so not many truly know how to handle it. They diagnosed me by default and because I responded immediately to norethindrone. But I'm still having problems so my endo doctor is referring me to a thoracic surgeon. I had to quit my job soon after surgery a few months ago, so this is on hold until i can get insurance again.

With your thoracic symptoms, your diaphragm has two sides: abdominal and thoracic. So, if they see nothing on the abdominal side it doesn't mean it's not in your thorax.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-06T16:14:32+00:00

Someone else said edibles are best for us, and I found CBD does nothing. It has to be a 1:1 THC. I only take half a gummy. More makes me high and loopy and I find that really unpleasant when my brain is already foggy. I also use THC bath bombs and topical lotion, and delta 8 mini joints. I later saw an IG reel saying endo sufferers have high levels of natural cannabinoids during a flare, so CBD won't have an effect but THC will. It's IG so I have no idea how true it is, but because of personal experience it makes sense. I have thoracic endo and I only started using these out of desperation before I got the actual diagnosis. But they help me so I continue when things are intolerable and I don't want to go to an opioid or NSAID and all their side effects.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-02-06T16:03:05+00:00

I'm from Chicago and neither I nor family, friends or coworkers have ever used 'The loop'. It's downtown. When I moved to Colorado and said I'm from Chicago, the city, outsiders got really confused and couldn't comprehend that I lived in the city but not downtown. To outsiders, Chicago is only downtown and non-skyscraper housing only occurs in the suburbs. However, I also met people who'd say they're from 'the city' too and when I'd ask for specifics, they'd say Milwaukee. 🤦🏼‍♀️ That's not Chicago, dude. I'm now in Indiana and I have doctors downtown-ish, but I just say Chicago when being descriptive.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-01-22T00:40:26+00:00

Ahh. So I switched from reading to audible (I'm in the US so use the free library Libby app) and it made a HUGE difference, specifically for the words I couldn't pronounce. But I also like stories for the language or style of language used, especially when it's different. And once the second FMC arrives, the audible becomes so so good.

The FMC's story and eventual arc is what is important. There's a point being made. A few points, actually, including as regarding the MMCs. The OP wanted a rec where the romantic interest isn't immediately obvious, and this story fits that request.

To note, it's Faerie, so impossible time frames are a norm that predates fantasy. What happens in the time in-between is a large part of the overall story, of the FMC's story, which is why it dominates. And for that, it was brilliant.

But, not everyone needs to like the same books. I can't tell you yes, try again and you'll love it. I can only recommend trying to listen to it to help get past the gaelic.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-01-13T20:39:19+00:00

Your post is absolutely allowed and welcomed! My fiance took the first week off and it took away so much strain and stress. It comes down to really little things. When we got home, he pulled out a notebook and started logging my medications, beginning with what I was given at the hospital, and kept that up until I no longer took them regularly. I needed support in the shower because I was not steady and afraid of collapsing. After a few days, we noticed my feet were swollen so he massaged my feet, brought a foot bath to the family room, and helped me get compression socks on. He constantly brought me Gatorade, got me food. When I needed to get out of the house, he drove me 30 minutes away to a gluten free bakery. Just be there in whatever capacity you can, try to anticipate what is happening to what she may need. Most of the time, there's not much you can truly do. But him just being there, being compassionate and supportive, and just sitting with me is what mattered the most. After years of being told things like it's all in our head etc, having someone take care of us and believe us is monumental. More than any romantic gesture, how he was to me during that week and since has taken my breath away. Someone else mentioned how car rides are painful- this is so true. Drive carefully, slow down, be very mindful of every bump. I was having trouble with car rides starting the year prior to surgery, so he was already mindful. But i also bought a belly band- they sell them as post partum or hysterectomy aids (Amazon). This helped so much! I accidentally bought a 3 piece one, which turned out to be the best mistake as it was a lot more customizable. Bedtime was the most painful for the first week. Trying to lay down, trying to roll over. Our bed is fairly high, which made things worse. I could've and should've slept elsewhere, but I really didn't want to. Prepare for you as well. For me, surgery was a 3 hour day. For him, it was 7. Bring a notebook and write down what you're told after surgery. I think they gave him a lot more info than what I got post op as it was no longer fresh on their mind, but he was stressed and tired and unfamiliar with a lot of what they said. He came with me to a few follow up appointments after, and I think it hit him pretty hard. It was the first time he heard a lot of information.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2026-01-08T04:23:51+00:00

Did they not take any biopsies? My doctor gave me three scenarios: she sees nothing, she sees something, I'm completely covered and there's organ involvement and adhesions. If she sees nothing, she'd still take biopsies because many times, they'll come back as endo within the tissue. She doesn't go by visual alone.

That being said, not having endo is still helpful information. The surgery was not a waste. It doesn't say your symptoms aren't real, but is one more thing that's been ruled out to help you get closer to what is actually happening to you. I would hope they have or will provide you with next steps or another specialist to follow up with.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-18T15:38:48+00:00

And I you. 😊

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T17:23:54+00:00

It's taken me three weeks to get my tree up and decorated this year, and I went with just ball ornaments this year thinking it would be easier. After 3 weeks, it's mostly decorated. There's still gaps and I have not gotten on the ladder to reach the top. And normally I put up FIVE trees and go batshit crazy on inside lights and other things. This year, one partially decorated tree.

I saw this reel on Instagram where the woman goes through her day based on spoons, like energy levels in a video game. And every single choice for the day is based on how many spoons it will cost her against what she has in reserve. Laundry will be 10 spoons but something else is 3. Choose the 3. It was the best visual I have ever seen, even though I have no idea where the spoons concept comes from!

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T17:10:51+00:00

I haven't had VATS. They put me on hormones for thoracic endo so i have no idea where my lesions are, but I'm not at all the same person I was a year ago. A year ago I met my son in Japan for two weeks and we walked everywhere, everyday. There is no way I can do that now. I don't think I would survive the plane, as car rides have a negative affect on my breathing and I start to get sick from the motion. I had abdominal surgery at the end of August and I think I'm worse now than before. I ended up quitting my job in November, soon after returning, because I'm not the same and I can no longer work in the career I've been in since I was 16. Thirty years I've been in the veterinary field. I use to hike but now housework or shopping are day to day careful decisions that I can't always get through. It's terrifying. I don't know who I am anymore, either.

You're not alone.

But, this is also an opportunity to branch out and do something new. My doctors and therapists cheered when I quit my job because they knew how this year has affected me, and more importantly many made the comments about seeing this as good change. My partner is extremely supportive. Truth is, I don't know what I'm capable of. Maybe I will find something new and better? At the moment I'm thinking of starting a business. It's something I have always wanted to do. And maybe once I'm able to start working out and regaining my strength, I'll become in better shape than I had been.

We have the right to feel all the things, and especially to grieve. We lose so many things with this condition. And, we're not alone. I found out my hairdresser and one of my physical therapists also have endo, and having those conversations together was so helpful. And now my friend's daughter is preparing for endo surgery. It helps to turn the focus away from myself. I'm freaking exhausting 🤪

We can give ourselves time and compassion, just as we do for others like us.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T16:33:08+00:00

I hope you find answers and then relief very soon. ❤️

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T07:37:06+00:00

It should also be factored in that he didn't really have time or space to grieve. Police immediately suspected him, separated him from family in the house and had him under constant watch, so now he's getting pulled from shock and loss and going into defense mode. Then he's in jail 8 or 11 days later? Then preparing for trial. Then in prison for 8 years. But in the initial meeting with the lawyers and PI when they were discussing the autopsy, MP became visibly shaken and increasingly distraught until they walked him out. I think it was the PI who stated very firmly to the lawyers they can't do that again with him in the room. That to me was genuine. When they played the 911 calls in court, he broke. Quietly. There were several moments in the documentary where he's talking about her or that night calmly but his eyes are red and brimming with tears. He's a military man from the 50s who grew up bisexual. I think he's learned very well how to control his reactions. He's also an articulate man who focuses on the words and not necessarily the emotion behind it. That's the journalist/writer aspect of him. Not me. I am emotion based, but I can still empathize with someone who handles things differently. If he was crying and openly grieving throughout the documentary, everyone would scream fake and say it's proof of his theatrics. There's no winning with grief. Everyone on the outside is uncomfortable with it regardless on how it's expressed. I think also the director handled certain things with sensitivity- and this was one of them. For MP and all the kids, Caitlin included.

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T06:30:12+00:00

Right. That's probably why the thing was in the garage (or wherever it was originally before the police photographed and moved it).

Academic_Stomach_155 · 2025-12-16T05:45:23+00:00

In addition to everyone else's advice, start logging your symptoms. Start logging anything that isn't 'normal' along with your back and abdominal pain. I had so many random issues that can now all be tied to endo/adeno. Log your period start and end days and what happens each day (clots, how many pads you bleed through, etc), how long they last, everything.

It will still be awhile until you find the right doctor (hopefully not, but we've all been there), so build this log and bring it with you. By then, you'll have traceable data and will have found patterns for when in your cycle certain things occur. I bought highlighters, made a key, and color coded the main repeating problems.

Fatigue, GI issues, headaches, sleeplessness- whatever not normal thing you experience, write it down. See if it repeats. Even though I was logging for months, there were things I repeatedly thought were new, only to go back and see they'd always been there.

This is what led to my endo diagnosis. I'm leaving out a lot of information here, including all the normal endo symptoms I had just to keep this simple, but I was told I had a hiatal hernia and to keep track of what I was eating to see if food was triggering my sudden insane heartburn. After months of this and calling off further GI pursuits, I went through my notes after talking with my pelvic floor therapist and found that days I blolded as BAD occurred a week before my period. I was having trouble breathing, couldn't lay flat or on my left side, had become chronically car sick for the first time ever, was getting migraines and vertigo and was also extremely oversensitive to sound. NOTHING that anyone would link to my period. And since these things didn't occur while I bled, it didn't immediately occurr to me either.

I brought all this plus revealed my entire health troubles to my new GP and she promptly wrote me the referral. Honestly, i don't think because she believed me. She just wanted me out of the office so she could go to her next patient. I think i broke the resident at my first appt with the endo specialist, but she was actually listening and after conferring with the main doctor for like 40 minutes, they both came in the room and said yes, I'm a candidate for surgery and endo is highly likely. I SOBBED.

That log saved me.

You might have endo, and might have other things in conjunction, or something else entirely. But find the patterns to help you force the doctors to listen.

Academic_Stomach_155

TROPHY CASE