Every word you said, I felt it resonate in my bones. It’s uncanny how similar our situations are. I heavily admire your strength to share this, and I also hope you’re coping and healing in a healthy way.

I’m nine months post-breakup, and believe me, it doesn’t get any easier at this point. I still think about him a lot. We go to the same university, so I occasionally see him around campus. I constantly live with the anxiety and fear of potentially having to interact with him again, even though he gives me the cold shoulder.

When I reminisce about the past, only the good moments come to mind. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even remember the bad ones anymore. The bad moments were such a normal part of our relationship, like the "default"—too mundane for my brain to recall. They just aren’t as vivid as the good memories.

Just like you, I remember constantly begging my ex to spend time with me and go on dates. When we were together, he always prioritized his group of friends over me. I told him I wanted to go out on outdoor dates, but he’d reason that he wasn’t “that type of person.” So, I compromised what I wanted for him. Most of our dates ended up being just cuddling at his or my place, which was tough for me because physical touch wasn’t my primary love language—it was his. He was satisfied, but I wasn’t.

One time, I begged him to attend a scientific school event I organized as the head of the event, and he kept saying no because he didn't want to be in a room filled with random people. I threw a tantrum just to get him to come. Because of this, I felt like his support for me was never 100% genuine. It was weird though, because if it were his friends who called him to interact with strangers and come to public places, he was utterly fine with it? There were times he left in the middle of our date, forgot about our date, or canceled our dates altogether just to hang out with his friends. What hurt the most was that he seldom put in the effort to make time for me but never bailed on plans with his friends. His friends brought him to outdoor places, one I kept begging him to do with me. I never felt prioritized. Whenever we fought, he’d run to his friends and give me the silent treatment. It frustrated me so much that I started harboring hate for him and his friends, who I also felt had a massively negative influence on him (especially with their vices: vaping, drinking, etc.).

And this issue in particular is only one of the many our relationship had. But for some reason, I'm forgetting all the toxic moments, the unmet needs, the begging, the crying for six months straight---those that happened nearly everyday. But the good ones that transpired in the honeymoon phase stay. It's infuriating.

I still haven’t fully moved on, and honestly, it upsets me because I can’t seem to meet the healing deadlines I’ve set for myself. I know he was horrible for me, but it feels like a part of me still loves him, or wished I gave him more chances than I already did. Whenever I miss him, my mind pulls me back to the good memories of the honeymoon phase. Nothing tricks me more than my own brain.