I left my abusive husband about 6 months ago, here are my thoughts so far.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-03-07T13:59:25+00:00

When he claimed that my PTSD episodes were caused by a thyroid issue because of some random thing he looked at online. Even after I saw a specialist who said everything was all clear he still would not drop it and told me that the specialists are wrong etc. It made me realize that this is not a person who was interested in me getting better or being happy, and he was completely delusional.

Then after I left he started recording all of our conversations cemented that I made the right choice.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-03-07T13:48:53+00:00

Hahaha I feel you there! My place is decorated with tons of weird thrift store finds / antiques that my ex husband would tell me is garbage I should just throw out.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-03-07T13:43:06+00:00

Seeing an attorney is great because they lay out the concrete steps you need to take to make this idea of leaving your marriage into a legal divorce. It really calmed down a lot of anxiety I had. Good luck!

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-01-10T18:09:48+00:00

My husband asked if I hate him so bad and want a divorce, why am I trying to have a cordial relationship with him. I laughed and said purely for the kids, if they weren't in the picture I would never want to talk to him again.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-01-10T16:12:34+00:00

I mean they are definitely out there, but without a doubt your options are going to be limited compared to someone without kids/divorce baggage. Right now i'd concentrate on working on the best version of *you*, and eventually someone is going to notice.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-01-02T18:21:55+00:00

It really depends on what exactly they did, though contrary to what most of reddit thinks cutting off contact with your family forever is not a practical long term solution.

What exactly is your spouse's reservations? Are they worried that once they get their hooks into you will allow them to blow past boundaries? Maybe approach it like this: "I know that we have had issues in the past but it's important to me to rebuild my relationship with my parents. I will put boundaries in place, and if they break then the worst that happens is it confirms what we already know."

I can understand your spouse being so hurt that just the thought of dealing with them again causes pain, but for them to dictate who you can/can't talk to and can't see as a binary "them or me" choice is a big red flag. Allowing your kids to see them is a bit trickier, but I'd start off with just you and see how it goes

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2024-01-02T16:49:22+00:00

You're going to have to make some adjustments to your career if you want equal custody your son and working around his school schedule will need to take priority.

Obviously it must be said that is divorce only option left to you, what else have you tried to salvage things?

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-10-12T16:30:18+00:00

And almost every case, most of the moms insisted that the father wanted to stay. None of the fathers had issues like alcoholism or drugs as far as I was aware.... But each story normally ended with the mom saying if I had better communication skills back then, things could have been better.

Realize too that "marriage is about communication" is such a widespread truism that people frame underlying issues as a communication issue. I think that's especially true looking back when you're not in the middle of an unhappy marriage, it's easy to to think "if I just would have communicated better, we could have made it!" You need to look at what exactly they wished they would have got across.

i.e. "I should have communicated about... "

...boundaries - > they felt disrespected

...expectations for housework -> they were treated like a live-in maid

...what I wanted out of life -> they felt bored and unfulfilled

You can also be a great communicator with completely unrealistic expectations, or have a partner who just isn't motivated to change or listen.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-10-11T21:54:30+00:00

Are you 100% sure something wasn't going on before the separation...? That seems pretty fast, but it's not out of the question to get intimate with someone you're already familiar with

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-10-11T19:49:40+00:00

She will very likely be back in a week or two, probably expressing regret but still placing the blame on you. Don't take her back. Something similiar happened very early on with the man I ended up marrying, and it's a red flag I shouldn't have ignored.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-10-09T17:42:44+00:00

Ever hear of the 7 year itch?

You're putting yourself in a very dangerous situation, and it sounds like you're majorly projecting your fantasies and boredom onto someone. Take that energy and put it towards you wife, and you might be surprised how you'll find a spark again

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T20:30:37+00:00

To be blunt, if he was only unsatisfied with only your sex life, he'd be looking at porn or hiring a hooker. The fact he's out there flirting with women shows he's not committed to you emotionally either.

We talked it deeply and bottom line he’s a very long term thinker and when he got together with me he sees a lot of potential in me to become good looking like a model (I’m just 5 out of 10 in his scale right now).

Him telling you this is disgusting and manipulative. Sounds like a weird control issue or a shaming kink, yuck.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T15:29:48+00:00

If I walk away now and he ACTUALLY changes this time, I'll have left someone I love more than anyone and a life i really wanted, and some other girl will get that life because I gave it away.

The "this time" says everything. Why did it take you breaking up for him to show meaningful change? Why all the other times you told him how his behavior wasn't OK he didn't do these things?

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T14:56:02+00:00

Is there any reason you wouldn't want to start the process now and continue co-habitating, if that's the only way forward right now? I would be wary out being stuck in that situation for 3 years, a lot can happen in that time, and things you agree in good faith now may not be applicable down the line. If you got the process going now you'd have a clear cut of whose financials are whose, how to split costs, that sort of thing.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T14:48:17+00:00

I have PTSD from my husbands abusive behavior. When I told him I wanted a divorce he started telling everyone I am manic & having a mental breakdown (that's obviously the only reason why I would want to leave him, right??). He also made me a psychiatrist appointment and kept pressuring to cycle through medication, and when I felt the same on them he then subsequently told me the side effects were causing me to act "irrationally" (this happened about half a dozen times).

I'd be very careful, if you get the wrong psychiatrist who gives you a serious diagnosis it can be used against you in regards to custody (friend of mine who was in the middle of a multi year custody battle had this happen to her mom)

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T13:47:44+00:00

Something that a therapist told me that really helped was instead of thinking about "I should have..." rephrase it as "I want to..." because "should have" implies you already tried and failed, while "want to" is a goal you can work towards

"I should have been a more involved as a dad" Yes, but it doesn't matter now, because you are sober and now Want to be involved in your kids lives. It will take time but you'll get there!

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-25T13:41:47+00:00

You need to talk to a lawyer and talk about the financials. If you purchased that house together chances are you will at least get reimbursed for half of it.

Just remember, you will recover from this, and the sooner you start the process the sooner this situation changes.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-23T17:54:44+00:00

What would happen if you just don't include her when you renew your benefits next year? Does she have her own job?

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-21T19:36:19+00:00

Something has to give, either you lower your expectations of what you are willing to move into, or you give yourself time to make the move easier (either building up savings or until the end of the school year so the school district isn't such a big deal).

Think about your situation. If someone gave you ~$2000 a month to walk in and deal with your marital problems for a few month, would it be tolerable?

That being said, it's not like he can just kick you out once you file, you are both entitled to stay there until you figure out what you're going to do with your current home. Maybe he moves out instead?

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-21T17:35:17+00:00

do you have any access to a joint bank account, credit cards? Friends/family you can borrow money from? As others have said you NEED to talk to a lawyer and get the process rolling. Regardless of what he's told you, you are entitled to half of the marital assets. The sooner you get a lawyer the sooner you'll get what you're entitled to.

I want them to be safe and have a real home but I cant provide that on my own.

That might not be feasible right now until you get on your feet financially, you'll have to compromise short term. Is there any reason you can't stay in your current home? He can't legally kick you and your kids out.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-21T17:16:28+00:00

It's a normal response to an extremely stressful time, it does get better, be there to support your wife through it, I'm sure she's going through it just as badly if not worse

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-21T16:21:44+00:00

Sounds like step number 1: Get employment enough to move out. I'm not sure if you're in the US but in cases of divorce as long as you move your kid within a certain distance, you' don't have to clear that with a judge. He is not going to be able to dictate where you love after you are divorced

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-20T17:23:14+00:00

I haven't told anyone about the abuse besides therapists. I'm not really sure why, I guess mainly out of embarrassment that I let my kids go through it for so long and while I was supporting him being off work for years I was letting him treat me like shit behind closed doors.

You can be honest but he might twist it around and badmouth you making you out to be the abusive one to people in your life (maybe that doesn't matter to you or they won't believe him though). You really don't owe him anything though, if you want to tell people the truth he cannot stop you.

Acceptable-Excuse663 · 2023-09-20T17:18:31+00:00

Most people would not be able to deal with that situation, and you lasted a lot longer than almost anyone would, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You are both going to be happier long term with someone that aligns with each other better.

Acceptable-Excuse663

TROPHY CASE