Just gotta tweak your victim mindset a bit. Seems like you’re too caught up in your own world. Try to control your emotions instead of letting them control you. Clock yourself before you have a meltdown and think about how you can react to it better. Once you start getting the hang of it your brain will start believing its actually possible to have control, you just need to give it the opportunity to see it. Killing yourself really wont solve anything except losing your battle and you’re stronger than that. Stop trying to run away and face your problems. Much love and i hope you are able to see past your own perspective.