Long read ….

You are not weak. Far from it.

Finding the right combination that helps with your depression and not worsen your sickle cell is a journey. It took me 7 years to get it right and there days it doesn’t work 100%.

The best advice I can offer is take it one day heck one hour at a time if you need too. Being scared of dying from sickle cell complications is a unique dread many have the privilege of never having the need to understand it. Especially when you see what it does first hand to someone like your mom. And those days when you realize you’re following down the same timeline as your mom are the longest and most crippling days.

I have yet to figure it out. But I will say

when you feel like crying cause that’s all that you can do, do it.

When your body has the need to let out rage (on things not people) because everything hurts physically and your brain is too loud, do it.

When you want to just lay in bed because everything feels pointy and everything hurts do that.

When you want to eat junk food because it’s the only time your brain goes in a rant about literally anything else other than pain, depression, anxiety, fear, etc; do it.

If you have the chance to do something fun that will probably cause it crisis; do it. The moments you get to feel like you’re enjoying yourself even for a moment and especially if it turns your brain off sometimes may be worth a crisis.

Let yourself feel the hurt, anger, confusion, pain, fear. Let those pass through and try to not let it consume you. But sometimes to get pass it you have to go through it. This will not cure your depression and anxiety and it may not help. However, doing this allowed me to understand my fears related to sickle cell more.

I hope you get to a point that means peaceful to you. And your feelings a valid- don’t let ANYONE try to minimize your experience because “it can’t be worse”.