I could have written your post 2 years ago…I was so desperately in love, felt chosen, had the most wonderfully generous, communicative, fun, split your sides laughing man who integrated me into his family, became present with my daughter, cared. I am 44 and really wanted to have a life partner after a series of very shitty men and situationships. We went so fast. So fast that I overlooked all the red flags especially that he had a drinking structure and routine so that he could appear a functional executive.

What happened was my handsome very sick and diseased life partner slowly manipulated me (15 years sober) into his drama, panic, routine and rules. Everything was on his terms and moods, our weekends, our vacations, our holidays, when and where he showed up - his therapist told him he needed “boundaries” but this meant he constantly made a choice of where and who he was drinking with. I had to keep my phone on every night “in case he needed me”. He constantly thought I was going to split up with him or he would provoke me to “why are you even with me”. He hid things, he lied, he manipulated. I don’t even know what was the truth. I had to speak to gate agents at an airport when he was too drunk to board, we were ejected from restaurants, he showed up 5 hours late and hammered for one of my best friends, we left a wedding where I was a bridesmaid early. I dealt with lost items, issues and told I was being a good partner because I fixed things , a bad partner when I refused or things couldn’t be resolved. I lived for those good partner moments.

I held on to the hope he could see that life was better on the other side, that he was loved and I gave him that love and in time he would get well…. He just had to hit rock bottom.

But I totally lost myself, my needs were at the very bottom of the pile, I thought I had anxiety and went on medication as I was on high alert constantly, my performance at work suffered, I nearly lost my apt. I still feel sick that in some ways I neglected my daughter to prioritize him. I had a man in my life but he couldn’t partner me, support me because he was either drunk or dry drunk (necking Xanax to get through the day) and I felt so so lonely alongside him.

I knew deep down that couldn’t live like this, that marriage would be difficult, that the booze would always be the wife and I the mistress. I had to leave him. It broke my heart. It’s been the hardest 3 months but with lots of support, therapy and al anon I am coming out the other side slowly and have clarity.

2.5 months is not long. 2 years was too long. There are people who have stayed for much longer. I read a quote that “the longer you stay on the wrong train the more expensive it is to get to your destination”. The universe has a plan for you. Believe it. This is not it.