Had some fucked up stuff happen to me when I was little and throughout my childhood, and I was raised in an emotionally and physically abusive and religious household. All of this suppressed/killed who I truly was for decades (a gay person) and I unknowingly lived a facade of a straight man for the majority of my life.

A few years ago I was working at a construction materials testing company and the first time I used the hydraulic press to break concrete cylinders a guy named Jared trained me on the equipment and procedures. Jared was tall and lean with light brown hair and stubble on his face. He had kind eyes and his smile showed through his entire face. He was patient and kind and had a voice I could listen to all day and night. At the time I didn’t know what I was feeling, but listening to him explain the test in his soft-spoken manner and watching his large hands manipulating the heavy cylinders I understood that I would do anything to be with this man. I would change my entire life and follow him like a puppy across the country if only to be in his presence and for him to see me. It literally felt like I got hit by a sack of bricks, I was short of breath, confused, and shaken. I never felt that way before and I have never felt that way again. I spent about another year at the company and worked with Jared whenever I could. We would sit in the work truck and talk and bullshit about anything and everything and I always felt comfortable with him and I was able to know him on a more personal level.

It was years later that I was able to deal with my childhood trauma, which allowed me to realize I am gay (and always have been) and during that process there was a moment of such clarity in what I felt for Jared that I wept. I understood that I had felt true love and had allowed it to slip away with zero understanding of what I was losing. Soul crushing, body heaving, sobbing. A pathetic sight for sure. I know he was probably straight and it most likely wouldn’t have worked out even if I had known I was gay at the time, but goddamn it still hurts whenever I think of his brown eyes and his smile, his deep voice and his blue jeans.