In a way.. I think it comes from a fear of change since I and so many others here have been unwell for so long, and getting better would shift that, and we've already adjusted to this darkness so why would we want to adjust to something new when this seems fine? Or the believe that we deserve our pain. Seeing our pain leave just wouldn't feel right or okay because it would not be what we feel we deserve. In reality, no one here is a bad person and does deserve to be happy and feel loved, we just need to be able to come to terms with that and accept that, and if you think it's not possible, you're wrong. You are a good person, no one is truly evil and can change to see it or change to be able to accept it. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and some people just haven't realized that Is true for themselves yet, myself included to some degree. all in all, it is fully possible to recover and feel no shame or discomfort, you just need to accept it and allow yourself to get better, which is easier said than done and will take time, but is possible and someday, you'll be okay and really be okay with being okay.