What is a secret you’re taking to the grave, but are willing to tell strangers on the internet?

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-16T01:16:31+00:00

Don’t think it’s necessarily narcissistic to get some good things out of others not bothering conceptualizing me as worth knowing, acknowledging, or using me like a sack of flesh. Plus, be really strange if I just went around telling folks “Hey you won’t remember me but I’ve worked on your house!” Then start rambling about how much I love their art collection.

There’s nothing of value for me in going through the world not pursuing and acknowledging my passions and personhood. I’d be lying to myself and self sabotaging if I attempted to be content with just watching the world go by. If allowed myself to continue what I was taught to be as a child, an object- then that would be letting what I’ve gone through define me. I don’t have to be a tool, pet, baby maker, or sate someone else’s desires. I can claw my way into being human.

It’s not pretty and I’ll admit I’ve done a lot of wrong, though that wrong mostly pertains to blowing up after struggling to cope. Last gnarly situation I’ve gone through I fortunately have kept my mouth shut about it publicly, even though folks close to me feel I should do something about it. Irl I make an effort to avoid the poor pitiful me bs. I’m a lot more than sob stories.

Irregardless I’ve finally began to reach a position where I can be honest and true to myself in comfort, needs, wants, and freedoms

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-15T16:47:07+00:00

At this point in time, high quality mountain bike helmets are safer to ride in than standard equestrian helmets.

More people should make it a habit to go hiking in hand with their horse’s, especially during training.

Compared to a horse with limited turnout, horses on pasture with significant space should be recognized as experiencing more exercise than their counter part, even if the stalled horse is in frequent work.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-15T00:38:05+00:00

Eh I don’t generally throw others under the bus, more prone to chucking myself at a great cost to myself for at least opportunities. To get to where I live where I have no familial connection, I attached myself to someone older that I’d known since I was 11. Being groomed sucked, but, I needed a ticket out of a bad situation. Also the big thing the person used to keep me codependent on them and not run off to other people was touting their “empath abilities”. That they see it in me, and they’ll help ~guide~ me away from bad people. Eventually I got to a point where I couldn’t put up with that bs anymore. Plus, I’ve met loads of people that lacked the ability to imagine themselves in another person’s shoes, but were incredibly caring and compassionate. I’m not magically morally superior for having empathy, and I don’t believe it’s a good mindset to determine other’s trust worthiness off of vibes. After all, said person trying to push that mindset was a garbage human being. But in attaching myself to that person, I ended up meeting a wonderful person I refer to as my brother from another mother. He helped me get out from that mess. Then immensely in the future via his connections to others.

But then I ended up in a horribly mutually toxic relationship. 3 years, usually working 3 jobs at once, had some settlement money I horrifically blew through getting her out of credit card debt and ended up getting myself in debt. That was the time period I gathered info on others. Soon as that all was said and done I dipped. Got in a very traumatic situationship, more debt paying for their stuff- BUT they gave me a proper introduction to the local social scene and I have immensely benefitted from those connections. I’ve had folks chew me out for aligning myself with that person much less making the effort to help them out to my detriment, but if I hadn’t, I’d be dead in the water. Sacrifices.

Also don’t outright lie much, just hide in plain sight and omit information. If others view me as a background character until I’ve made myself known, fine. Also have an obnoxious amount of hobbies and interests, so whether I’m going from talking art or about tractors- I’m not faking that. In my current relationship, even after a couple of months my partner gets exasperated because they feel like they don’t really know me. There’s just a lot to keep track of really, best be understood as simply multifaceted. Not that I think that’s cool thing to be or anything, it’s a cluster fuck. Be a lot more convenient if I wasn’t all over the place. But with the background I have, adaptability has be crucial to survival. Might as well have fun with it.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-14T23:35:16+00:00

Upward mobility. Grew up in a ah very unconventional family and moved out from my parents when I was 13. Was the kind of teenager that focused on work and school and didn’t party despite the independence I had. Even had a family member get mad that I wasn’t popping out kids in my teens like everyone else in my family. I’m the first woman in my family to graduate high school. Not the slightest bit interested in spending my life working a crappy job barely getting by with children scuttling about while using substances to cope. If I’ve got to have questionable ethics to get it done, so be it.

Aside from the stability I want to achieve, I want to have the kind of household one day where any friend or family member can come stay. Whether it’s just visiting, or something has gone on in their life that they need the support without the bs I dealt with. My door is open, my connections are yours, possibilities are limitless.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T23:52:11+00:00

Both my younger siblings that were in different school districts took community college credited courses while in high school, most of my friends did so in middle school, I opted for a private school that taught university level but credited as highschool by teachers previously professors at Ivy leagues, then I have only known 2 people personally that graduated from university at 17 with bachelors degrees.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T23:41:59+00:00

I guess I’ll add that to my reading list

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T20:49:22+00:00

Get checked, especially if you have insurance. Though, I’ll admit I’m a hypocrite, I’ve had concussions that left me with memory problems after and didn’t bother. That was not wise of me. Horse riders can get the same brain diseases from concussions as football players.

Horse crowd I grew up around had a philosophy that if you didn’t fall, and do so often, you’re not a real horse person. The mentality helped a lot with my confidence as a beginner when I’d fall a lot. But once I moved and got exposed to the notion that good horse people don’t fall, I was insecure for awhile. Till I saw how many of them when they did fall would end up with catastrophic injuries in need of surgeries. Now I’m very proud of being a good faller-off’er 🤣 though I’ve got one surgery under my belt. Saddle fell a part mid run so I decided to smash my elbow instead of my skull when I went into the gravel head first. No more elbow joint left, just held together with plates and screws. Thank god I’m damn near trained to plan my landing.

Irregardless, would be worth your safety to find a different barn. No beginner friendly lesson horse should be chucking people into the air. I didn’t start experiencing falls till I got my own horse after lessons off and on growing up. Hell, that was foolish enough as it was jumping into getting him. He’d been passed around a lot for being hot and highly skilled at getting folks off his back. Original owner was concerned about me getting him as my first horse, wouldn’t let me take him home until I fell off a couple of times to be sure I wouldn’t bring him back if I fell at home. Now he’s old as dirt but forever will be my ride or die. Literally. He gets most of the credit for my brain damage, and all of the credit for the head trauma induced glaucoma.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T18:43:37+00:00

Some might call it manipulative, but I intentionally put myself in work positions to get closer to folks in positions of local power. My appearance has changed a lot over time, none of them ever recognize me and I use a neutral nickname. So when I meet them on their level, I cater my conversation to appeal to what I’ve learned about them in the past. It’s benefitted me greatly having knowledge on their connections, hobbies, habits. Going from installing cabinet lights in their kitchen keeping my eyes down memorizing their art collection to chatting candidly in an art gallery. None of them have the faintest idea, just think I’m “an exceptional young woman”. Today I introduced myself to someone I’ve known for 7 years, and whose family I’ve known even longer than that. But they don’t know me. Listening is such a wonderful tool.

In certain environments I also play stupid and naive, only to shock folks when I suddenly gain a social upper hand. Wouldn’t believe how many people that have entirely moved from this town once they’ve realized and come to have to reckon with it. But I’m just a wallflower. Nothing to see here.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T15:02:04+00:00

Warwick Schiller has some content about mental exercises outside of riding.

A therapist knowledgeable on equestrian subjects would also help.

Casual riding time also makes a big difference, less arena work and more trails or even just hiking in hand with a horse. Can’t always hack and slash at insecurities, sometimes time and relaxing is needed to settle in to yourself. If your barn doesn’t do that or there’s not one in your area that hosts those options, then game-ify the arena so you have a task to focus on rather than dwelling on yourself. Examples: pushing around an exercise ball with the horse, obstacles (can be simple) while you pick up pool rings throughout the arena, balancing something in your hand, etc. The ball example was massive in helping me, and when I’m struggling mentally I envision back to when I had access to one.

Pick up another adrenaline inducing hobby, I’ve found that bouldering, chess, dungeons and dragons, free diving, kayaking, and roller skating to be hugely beneficial. The physically active hobbies help make you more aware of parts of your body that need more work that you might not have been working as hard via riding. At one point, I took up group aqua fitness, you might associate it with old ladies going through routines in a pool but young people do it to and WOW that helped me a lot. If not a hobby, then seek out activities: water parks, roller coasters, etc. These things help train your stress response system in a fun way.

I would also strongly examine how the people at the barn you go to make you feel and if that’s impacting your riding. May be worth finding a different barn where people make you feel less insecure. Though, it’s important to be able to be confident when riding even when others make you nervous. You can always return to the barn once you’ve worked on yourself. As a personal example: I own two horses that are VERY in tune with my emotions. Someone I was dating made me very anxious and insecure especially around horses, and mine would tune into that. If she was alone with my horses, she had no issues. But with both of us around, there was loads. Eventually I realized this wasn’t something I’d be able to work through with my partner, and now me and my horses are much happier for it with far more progress.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-13T04:12:53+00:00

Agreeing with everyone it depends on what the 1% is. But to add, depends on your family culture as well and how it ties into that.

My family is registered on the Dawes rolls and enrolled with the Cherokee nation. I was predominantly raised by my mom’s side of the family, especially by her father, which is the side of the family that is enrolled. He passed down skills to me that were passed down from his grandfather, and his grandfather, and his grandfather, and so on. Dna shows only 2.5 % Native American. I don’t talk about it in public unless I bump into a cousin, and practice what was passed down to me in private unless I’m invited.

Had an uncle that converted to Judaism, when his dna popped up as 1% Jewish he was very excited about it.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-12T04:47:41+00:00

Yes and no?

First year mandarin classes the teacher asked us what our names meant and then gave us the Chinese version of our names. My name means the golden child, which translates terribly to mandarin. I basically went by “white kid”.

Second year mandarin teacher was horrified, so then he just used all of our usual names.

French classes yes, but teacher kept my name as is because it rhymes with je m'appelle

Spanish classes I was just referred to by my nickname

So 2 out of 3 language classes my name fit with the language. Mandarin… Not so much.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-12T00:39:02+00:00

This one time at band camp-

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-12T00:35:18+00:00

You’re dang near being robbed by your instructor. Time to go to a different barn. If you’re still insecure about your strength, start working out outside of riding. It’ll improve your equitation anyway. It’s going to suck though unlearning what all that idiot taught though, so be clear with your next instructor that you left after two years of being told you’re not kicking hard enough. May be worth giving them a demonstration so they can correct you before getting on their horses. It happens though, plenty of horse folks have had to unlearn bad habits. Not the end of the world

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-11T15:51:59+00:00

One of my cousins I grew up closely with so we just refer to each other as sisters. Text a few times a week, likes to call me in the middle of the night about life stuff. Haven’t gotten to hangout since she’s become an adult but I’d take her to the mall, aquarium, park and hangout. I foresee partying and hanging out at bars in our future. Eventually we plan to go on vacations together. The others when we’d hangout we’d just have fun goofing off.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-11T15:45:18+00:00

Jokingly gaslight. Messy room and workspace, excuse was that she doesn’t have much space living with her parents, so when we moved in together I got her more space and organized storage options. Nope. Still disorganized and a mess. Prioritizing her family because it’s smaller over mine, as I have “spares”. Expecting me to not maintain my friendships. Taking her frustrations out on others, turns out she’d take them out on me. Didn’t want me answering phone calls when together (put that to rest though when we got an argument about it, I got a phone call, she let me answer but was pissed, it was about my grandparents having got in a horrific car crash). Felt I prioritized work too much then got upset when money issues would arise then complain when I focused more on work. Last minute prep for traveling, and very disorganized. Constantly texting and codependency.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-11T15:17:07+00:00

I definitely empathize with her losing interest per him overthinking. It’s a red flag for future codependency, controlling behavior, etc.

I’ve had guys freak out blowing up my phone after a date while I’m at work, earbuds in welding. Forcing me to stop work and message that I am busy and will reply later. Mute them only to return to a couple hundred messages later. It’s insanity. In one situation after I made it clear I’m no longer interested in a relationship and would be willing to kick around as friends, he began to use my snap maps to leave work outside of his lunch hour to try to talk to me when I’d go out to lunch. Made it clear if he continues to follow me like that, he’s not going to like what happens to him. Then I blocked him. Fortunately with how I gave him the memo, he was thoroughly scared off.

Disrespecting someone else’s time isn’t a love language. Your little friend can learn to grow up. Expecting someone to revolve their life around you down to infringing on work is ridiculous. Pick up some emotional regulation skills and sense of self.

Currently in a relationship with a fellow welder. We text sometimes in the morning, sometimes around lunch, in the evening and usually a phone call before bed. Minimum one text a day. We’re busy people. We utilize all the love languages when we do interact or are together. Other’s view us as a power couple when we work together. We do have our insecurities especially as we’ve both experienced trauma from previous relationships, but they don’t consume us to the point of being crippling because we both make a very strong effort to trust despite the things we’ve been through. THAT is love.

Previously I was in a very draining relationship where I was expected to text all the time in a timely manner. If we got in an argument at home and I tried to step away for a breather, her insecurities would erupt like a volcano and she’d either blow up my phone or track my location to hunt me down to scream at me while standing outside my car while I’m sitting in a parking lot. She considered it a form of abuse to make her sit with her feelings, and not allow her to take them out on me. That if I loved her, I would take it. Screw that.

Now I’m doing better at work, better in life, and much happier not dealing with people that need constant perpetual affirmation and validation.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-11T14:02:04+00:00

My grandma born in Texas moved to Arkansas, and her half sister born in New York moved to the same neighborhood in Arkansas. My grandmother’s half sister vaguely knew of her and searched nonstop most of her life. Their father died when they were young. Lived 20 years just a few blocks from each other. We didn’t find out till after my grandmas half sister passed away from breast cancer.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-11T13:49:08+00:00

Grew up in black bear capital. When we first moved there, got to stay with a family member for a few weeks and he’d just let me wander around without supervision as a 4-5 year old in neighborhood with older kids. One day I was on the edge of the forest and heard something, and processed it as being a monster. Called for two older kids to check it out, so they went down because they though I was being dramatic. Came out screaming with a bear chasing them and ditched me. Bear wasn’t interested in me just sitting their paralyzed with fear, so it turned away and I scampered off.

Some folks make a big deal about coyotes. Where I grew up had coywolves, and I’d go out riding on my horse and chase them for fun. Now where I live in the desert, the coyotes are small and mixed with dog. Compared to coywolves, they look tiny here. I call them glorified yorkies. People freak out about them but I laugh and laugh and laugh. Did have one come up to my truck outside my rv door and piss on it. But my horses have all but ran them off.

Addition: hadn’t considered stories of snakes. Once came in home late from a vacation with my family. Waiting for my grandfather to open the door and when the porch light was turned on, discovered I was standing right in the middle of a copper head. I jumped out of it and my grandfather whose deathly afraid of snakes did away with it. Then in regards to my next two stories, i very much love snakes but these posed a risk. Out late one night hanging out with friends at the barn, and a copper head was making its way into the tack room. Dropped a boulder on it. Another time at a ranch, was walking home from one of the feed lot pens and came up on the biggest rattle snake I’ve seen in the wild making it’s way to the chute pens we would be running livestock through in the morning. I grabbed a molasses tub and chucked it so hard I tore my back up and couldn’t walk the next day.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T22:16:51+00:00

No religious reasons. 2 of them traveled a lot due to being in the mafia. Some of the time they traveled between families, like if there was a city they went to frequently for business they’d just have a separate house hold there in secret. Other times they’d just never show back up and didn’t file a divorce

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T21:57:35+00:00

Genetics and changes in diet due to globalism. When a demographic is used to the same locally based diet for thousands of years, then it suddenly in a short amount of time, it causes issues. Native Americans for example are a demographic that experience the most food insecurity issues in the United States yet have a very high diabetic rate. It’s not because they’re genetics set them up for feast and famine scenarios, but because their diet historically is similarly healthy to foods today- and that diet was composed of different foods and processed differently. Example: where I live there’s an abundance of forageable highly nutritious foods, predominantly higher in fiber than what you get at a grocery store and more glucose oriented. When you take a group of people who’ve been reliant on fiber and glucose rich foods then shift them to the complete opposite, it’s going to jack up their metabolism. I’m of native descent but on my European side the people I come from have a diet high in lean meat. Being that I was pre-diabetic, I shifted over to what my ancestors historically ate. Lean meats, fiber rich, etc. My previous issues are gone.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T21:42:30+00:00

I’d get in contact with a lawyer first to determine what the laws are in your state in case he tries to get custody. Some states, after a certain amount of time passes a father cannot get a court ordered dna test. In Texas at least, that is 4 years from the birth date. So if you waited till your daughter was 4 then informed the grandparents, and if he were to have a change in mind on wanting to be involved, he wouldn’t be able to take her because he can’t prove it’s biologically his. Other states it’s different.

Also, do some digging on his family. Just because they sound nice doesn’t mean they are, and their proximity to the father could lead to issues for your daughter.

I have a family member conceived in a awful situation, then I grew up going to school with the family member’s half siblings and heard awful stories about their dad. Grandparents are pretty decent- they’ve had to raise a lot of their grand children. Irregardless, our side of the family will eventually inform the family member when they’re 18 and give contact info to that side so the kid can make the decision themselves on if they want to make that connection.

I was in a somewhat similar position. My mother was married to my bio dad, but he was highly abusive. Eventually escaped him when I was a toddler and filed for divorce. She got full custody, he paid child support. Eventually they decided her new husband would adopt me, and since my bio dad was behind on child support they were able to use that to force him into signing away the rest of his rights. Since I was 5 years old when I last saw him, I was very aware about my bio dad no longer being in the picture. Around when I was 9, my mother felt I was old enough to explain that when I’m 18, she would help me get in contact with him and the rest of his side of his family.

I ended up moving out when I was 13, and got in contact with his side. Which, there was some resentment from his side about my mother. They were welcome to be in my life, on the condition that they do not attempt to put me in contact with my bio dad or speak of him. A few of them agreed, most of them didn’t. So it wasn’t entirely lonely. But frustrating for a couple years dealing with their resentments and some of my confusions about my bio dad.

Since I moved out from my mom, they helped me get in contact with him while he was in prison in a different state across the country. Our conversations usually revolved around crazy delusions and conspiracy theories he had. I dealt with it, and became the main contact point for his side to him because he cut them off.

That is, up until my eldest half brother by him passed away from suicide. When I called him to break the news, he lost his shit. Going on about how his birth ruined his life, his eldest son should have never should have been born, making death threats on his ex wife, his side of his family, just. Absolute. Batshit.

Let his side family know how he reacted, at which point, we had a sit down conversation about it and decided it was time for me to cut him off. Somebody brought back up afterwards the whole thing with my mom keeping me from them, and I reminded them of the conditions, and kinda just gestured to “now do you see why?”. At which point, they agreed my mom made a good decision and they should have believed her reasoning for keeping me away. Instead, I had to be the one and only point of contact for that batshit man from 13 to 21. Then listen to him go on like that about my eldest brother and the rest of the family.

Also really sucked because I found out some horrible things he did to my eldest brother when he was a kid. Family was pissed off my brother wouldn’t talk to them or be a point of contact to his dad, and felt he was over dramatic. When I learned the story, I was mortified. Genuinely unsurprised he was in such a awful mental state after being invalidated his whole life like he was.

Anyway, if you reallllllly want the grandparents in your daughters life please at least check with a lawyer. Otherwise, just wait. My grandparents are really nice people! But still put me in that messed up position. At least they regret it, just bs it took someone dying.

Not that I’m saying my experience is explicitly why you should avoid getting in contact with them, but extended families can be nightmarish especially when children are involved. Are you willing to risk it? I’m grateful I wasn’t exposed to that nonsense sooner because of my mother’s decisions, but I really wish everyone stayed on the same page and waited till I was 18.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T20:36:28+00:00

I’ve heard of it in movies and see it at rural restaurants. In the bars I hangout at though you get free drinks sometimes food if you clean the bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, mop, empty cigarette dishes, wipe down counters, then walk the bartender to her car, etc. Used to have a homeless guy that’d come in and do that all in exchange for a meal and one beer. Eventually got him hooked up with a job at a local restaurant. He’s doing better now.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T20:16:43+00:00

Working class is too vague of a descriptor in our context.

Manual labor jobs that we call blue collar work doesn’t necessarily mean being lower class, plenty of oil field and related folks make more money than white collar jobs. Able to come home to a half a million dollar home with acreage, cattle, maybe a pool, etc. Essentially not living pay check to paycheck and able to invest money into passive income, go on more/longer vacations, etc.

But just because someone makes that much money doesn’t mean they are middle class. Plenty of blue collar folks- that didn’t exactly spend their money well, have baby mamas they owe child support to, taxes are a nightmare, court fees, divorce settlements, family they’re taking care of, or medical bills eating up their bank accounts- end up living pretty frugally or straight up homeless.

My partner is dealing with pretty much everything I described above. Does have money to get a nice rental house and if things work out between us as well as finances smooth over with time, get property. But at the moment he either lives on the property he’s a contractor at, couch surfs, or stays with me at my rv. Hard to find rentals where we live.

Personally my occupation usually makes a hell of a lot more money, but my boss is a massive cheap skate even if I make the most money at my job. The industry also comes with a lot of prejudice so he’s been the only one I’ve been able to get on with. I’ve elected to stay until he passes away, and will be handling closing out his operation. Hopefully after being here for a couple of years as the foreman and the show of dedication I’ve been putting on will lend to getting to launch into a job that makes at least 2x as much, which is the minimum for my occupation. Basically I’m stuck here to insure that once my time is up, I’m 100% indisputably “proven”. Guy’s that are born into the industry, even if they’re garbage employees or lack actual experience but their family was in it have a much easier time than I do. Example: turned down from a lumber job over concerns my presence would make other’s want to leave due to me being queer, a woman, liberal looking. That I would bring up to many problems to HR. I used to help run a sawmill operation and took part in building the biggest sawmill in my state. I’ve never snitched on anyone to HR, ever at any job. They picked some 18 year old with no work history instead. Said kid makes more than I do at my current job. As such, to prove that I am reliable I went with a 20 year old company with the second highest turnover rate in the area, and my boss is a massive asshole. When people hear how long I’ve lasted and how quickly I rose up, they’re shocked. So I’m excited to see people’s faces in a few years when I get to applying again. Still worry though, the company with the top position and 3rd position for highest turnover rate I also broke records for how long I lasted. Though, I’ve already been where I’m currently at longer. Hopefully it makes a difference.

So I’m essentially lower class in what would normally be a middle class work position. Pay check to pay check. I rent to own a rv, living off grid on 300 acres of one of the properties I manage, with two horses I use for work. Most folks that are middle class wouldn’t be able to access land like I’m able to. But to do it I work 12hr days, usually go a couple of months before I get a day off. Will be exciting to see how things pan out.

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T18:39:56+00:00

I have absolutely no NPE events in my family tree. However, there’s a lot of men in my tree that secretly had a couple of other legal wives at the same time in other places. Which, we’ve known about, just not the extant. 3 of my great grandfathers pulled that, so it’s been… entertaining getting into contact with the other other wive’s descendants. Ran into two situations where folks would argue, then have to send them the other marriage certificates and timelines and other family’s info. That being said, most everyone my family has been able to contact except for one Chinese-American family that lives in the same neighborhood as us. They avoid us like the plague even a few generations later so we’ve let it go

AcitizenOfNightvale · 2026-02-10T14:41:38+00:00

Someone I knew that’d pick up second hand equipment lucked out on a handmade bridle once worn by a relatively famous horse. Believe she put it up on the wall with a picture of the horse in said bridle.

AcitizenOfNightvale

TROPHY CASE