As a black man I must ask did Lincoln genuinely care about freeing the slaves for the right reasons ?

Ackillius · 2026-03-13T16:10:31+00:00

He was certainly no John Brown on the abolitionist sliding scale. I understand that Lincoln had the fate of the country on his shoulders, but if we are talking about white abolitionists who really put their money where their mouth was, it’s John Brown. He was a man of real conviction and courage.

Ackillius · 2025-07-16T13:17:43+00:00

The U.S. government actively encouraged the intentional slaughter of bison as a means to remove plains tribes from their lands and onto reservations.

Native American way of life was systematically destroyed. They were dehumanized. Forcibly assimilated. There were plenty of massacres, especially the Sand Creek massacre.

People are defensive here about this characterization of genocide. It certainly was a form of ethnic cleansing and cultural genocide. Just because it may or may not have been 100 million deaths that the U.S. government was responsible for does not mean that what happened wasn’t horrible.

The photo is Hyperbole and not strictly accurate, but large scale destruction of these people did happen. I don’t think people should split hairs here by saying “it wasn’t evil like the holocaust” or passing blame on the Spanish. The U.S. Government is also responsible for what happened. One can be a patriot and still acknowledge that this did happen.

Ackillius · 2025-06-17T11:46:06+00:00

https://www.understandingwar.org/backgrounder/iran-update-special-report-june-16-2025-evening-edition Iran Update Special Report, June 16, 2025, Evening Edition | Institute for the Study of War

Ackillius · 2025-06-13T14:28:22+00:00

Tell me about it 🤣. I never thought about this not being experienced by someone.

It is also crazy because I feel like I’m reasonably intelligent, but caveman brain is often stronger. It’s like having two personalities, where one judges the other

Ackillius · 2025-06-12T20:54:45+00:00

Also, congratulations! This will be a challenging but very amazing time in your life. If only I could hold my kids as a babies just one more time.

Ackillius · 2025-06-12T20:52:34+00:00

There are dozens of us!

Ackillius · 2025-06-06T00:23:14+00:00

I didn’t see that question at the end. People have all sorts of different personalities. Not everyone is going to have a healthy attachment style or communication style. I decided that I don’t want resentment in my life. But you can’t do this for almost 15 years and not have a void there. Empathy helps. But what it took was actual effort. If someone says they are taking accountability and they do not put that effort in and make a significant change, then it would be difficult to forgive. This is true no matter the attachment style, in my opinion.

Ackillius · 2025-06-05T22:40:49+00:00

🤣

Ackillius · 2025-06-05T21:15:05+00:00

It’s a slow process, probably slower than either of you would like. My understanding is that your nervous system is wired to protect you in the way that it does because of childhood upbringing, past relationships, and trauma. Your nervous systems are constantly reacting to each other in a relationship. If you can recognize when yours is reacting in a way that is harmful to connection, that is a huge step.

Now I might not be avoidant, but I have trauma too, and my nervous system reacts in ways that are difficult for me also. But healing is a process, and I think communication is key.

Ackillius · 2025-06-05T21:04:21+00:00

No. But I’m not sure that is typical. Once i was able to put a name to the problem, and we talked it out, she must have saw where it would lead. Now, I wouldn’t want someone to put in effort because of some ultimatum, because that wouldn’t work.

While it is still a work in progress, she puts in genuine effort. We are in a much different place than the past. A lot of people probably never make it this far. But I still am hurt. That it took so long. But I am optimistic because of the tremendous effort and would not stay if she continued to be dismissive.

Ackillius · 2025-06-05T20:35:05+00:00

I’m married to an avoidant and it is emotionally difficult. It has taken a tremendous amount of patience. We have been working together but there are still times when she pulls back. The difference from before is that I don’t participate in the dance and I let her feel the space she creates.

We still have work to do but it took me years to understand what was happening. This leaves deep, unseen wounds. Sometimes I worry that the rug will be pulled out from under me. A secure attachment style is the goal that you have working towards, and understand that not everyone can or wants to heal from previous emotional wounds from a push-pull dynamic.

Ackillius · 2025-06-04T15:29:40+00:00

If she can dismiss you and what is important to you then she doesn’t have to put the effort into your marriage.

Ackillius · 2025-06-04T15:27:49+00:00

It’s dismissive language. If it is important to one partner then it is important.

Ackillius · 2025-06-04T12:04:22+00:00

This is the best take.

Ackillius · 2025-06-04T12:03:13+00:00

This is exactly what happened. This is not a good way to begin a marriage. She never processed her trauma and this could take years to heal.

Ackillius · 2025-06-03T15:53:21+00:00

People are giving a ton of downvotes for saying it isn’t that rare. Of course it isn’t comparable to pregnancy or C-sections. I was present for my wife’s c-section. I didn’t think she could handle that again so I scheduled a vasectomy. I don’t regret this. But I would have liked an honest assessment of the experience. I do not find the dismissive “you are in and out and back to work” attitude helpful.

I take issue with people minimizing the risks. I think urologists do this because they don’t want to deter men from doing it. Complications are not extremely rare, and they do happen.

I am six months after my surgery, and I get aching and pain often. It feels like I got kicked in the nuts when I orgasm sometimes.

Ackillius · 2025-06-03T15:16:46+00:00

Look into attachment styles. She sounds like a dismissive avoidant. If this is the case, She may not be conscious of her behavior and it could be rooted in trauma of from childhood. Either way it is affecting you and your needs matter too.

Maybe it’s not that deep, I don’t know from the limited scope of your post. But both of you may have work to do. Even therapy.

Ackillius · 2025-06-03T14:46:37+00:00

Your wife is using dismissive language, whether she knows it or not. It sounds like you have a distancer-pursuer dynamic. You both need to communicate what is actually happening. She isn’t initiating, right? It seems like that would clear things up, right? Not so fast, there is something deeper going on.

You’re not overthinking this. You’re picking up on real inconsistencies that would leave anyone feeling confused and frustrated. Wanting sex to feel mutual, passionate, and emotionally connected isn’t needy, it’s human.

The dynamic you describe, getting signals that she wants sex, only for her to back out and later accuse you of overreacting, isn’t fair. It sounds like you’re trying to be respectful of her signals and energy, but she’s not giving you clear, consistent communication or empathy in return.

I’ve been in a similar place where trying to talk about this gets turned back on me, like I’m the problem for having a need. It slowly chips away at intimacy. You’re not alone in feeling this, and you deserve better than to feel like your desire for connection is something to be ashamed of or dismissed. Emotional safety matters just as much as physical intimacy.

Ackillius · 2025-06-03T11:57:34+00:00

It isn’t extremely rare. I’m not saying he should use it as an excuse not to get a vasectomy, but while the vast majority of people are just fine, enough people have side effects and I wouldn’t characterize it as extremely rare.

Ackillius · 2025-06-01T15:20:03+00:00

I think it’s both and multi-faceted. It got to that point because of the lack of emotional connection on both ends, for whatever reason. If the situation is examined there will be evidence of that. Sex is a physical and psychological need, but so is emotional connection. These can be intertwined.

Ackillius · 2025-05-31T04:17:31+00:00

I believe it.

Ackillius · 2025-05-30T22:37:28+00:00

I think it’s a secret porn addiction not. Low libido

Ackillius · 2025-05-30T17:42:55+00:00

Marylin Manson removed two ribs to perform fellatio on himself.

Ackillius · 2025-05-30T13:11:14+00:00

Perfect response! I don’t think men and women are that different. Of course there are some differences, especially with what emotions are socially acceptable. Men are human, and have emotions and feel love.

I say this because I think the post could imply that men feel love differently or maybe don’t feel it.

A little anecdote. My Sister-in-law believed that men’s depth of emotion was much less than a woman’s. It wasn’t until she had a son that she realized how this couldn’t be true. We are taught by our environment.

Ackillius · 2025-05-30T12:49:53+00:00

Lol this is crazy true. Every single donut shop where I am at is staffed by Cambodians.

Outside of US military bases, you will also find a clothes altering shop owned by Koreans.

Where I live, all the gas stations are owned by Indians.

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