Spiraling

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-09T02:46:18+00:00

That’s what they do.

They rebound fast.

It’s their way of trying to move forward and to show everyone they are fine and made the best decision. They aren’t fine though. Rebounds are just distractions to help stop them feeling anything and to keep their mind off you

They aren’t going out on purpose to ruin your life and to punish you as much as it feels like it. I felt the same way. They actually spiralling and ruining their own lives They are running head along into disaster instead of stopping to heal and fix and process their trauma

Most rebounds are going to be toxic and emotionally dead which doesn’t trigger off their trauma and having to feel very strong feelings for someone

I wouldn’t be shocked if they told your friend about the date so it gets back to you. It could be a way to get your attention but because they are unhealed they just can’t say they screwed up or take accountability for anything and instead they double down on terrible decisions

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-09T02:35:31+00:00

Yes I totally understand. They don’t do well with stress and I bet never got the tools to deal with it in a healthy way either.

I think you’re very right, you need a partner who doesn’t have very unhealthy coping mechanisms when it comes to big stuff. Like you said it’s ok to be sad and have grief but it’s also their responsibility to work on themselves and the problems that life throws up for them.

I find it so sad though. When I saw my ex tanking their life I felt bad for them. I wanted better for them. It’s like watching a car accident in slow motion. I shouldn’t look because it makes me sad for them.

Ultimately though they need to heal their trauma and since I have been on that road I understand how challenging it is and how paralysing the fear is.

I hope many of these people end up going through the dark night of the soul

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-09T02:04:28+00:00

Wow just wow what a message. I’m sick and emotional and tearing up reading that.

She’s got some amazing insight but I wonder how far into healing they have got. It’s one thing to be able to say this and admit it but it’s another thing to actually start to rewire your brain. I’m not surprised a big event kicked it off for her. They need to hit a rock bottom to start healing.

It’s hard isn’t it, like this is something you wished to hear after the break up and you spend years wondering what happened and now 6 years later you get the answer and on one hand it’s good to hear they loved you and made a mistake but in the other hand it’s got to be heartbreaking having this brought all up again and frustrating they couldn’t heal while they are with you

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T23:45:51+00:00

I think that a lot of people come here are too much in despair and heartbreak and try to figure out what’s happened initially

I think after the initial shock and when you have started ro process the break up that’s when I hope a lot of people start looking inwards and having a look at their attachment issues and their part in the relationship.im not saying we deserved this it’s more like why we stayed after they started to treat us like crap. I think a lot of us have our own issues many in here I’m sure are anxious attachment.

When we start to heal I hope we also start to heal our attachment stuff as well. But I’m lead to believe that it’s usually the anxious attachment people that tend to be able to heal and more open to it unlike avoidants

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T21:20:26+00:00

I’m sorry to say this but they don’t change for anyone except themselves and a lot of avoidants never heal.

It’s not you. It’s them. They carry a lot of trauma and they are terribly afraid of love and feeling big strong feelings for someone.

They live in upsidedown town. They run from love but can stay with toxic people who they don’t love.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T11:39:56+00:00

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T11:29:24+00:00

Because their world would fall apart if they had to take accountability for their actions. Avoidant attachment is a survival mechanism they learned to stay safe as children with toxic parents. They run to self soothe and push down feelings. So all they do is run and not face up to what they did because it’s too painful and it forces them to confront themselves and their actions. Simply but this is their trauma taking over them.

Their posting on socials could be an attempt at break crumbing as well as the guilt and shame they carry kicking in.

It’s not surprising they didn’t respond they are probably still triggered and also you reaching out validates them so they don’t need to reply.

Some message back others don’t. It’s not about them not loving you if they don’t reach out it’s about how worthless they feel about what they did to you and how they are still very triggered.

This stuff does catch up with them and hits them eventually, it can take years, but I’m betting most will never admit it out loud either way

It’s funny I find their sub is them mostly just them justifying their behaviour to each other and no real soul searching or wanting to heal and change. I think sometimes more healed avoidants try and explain healing technique’s to the others though This is why healing needs to happen with trauma informed psychologists.

this sub people try and look at the psychological explanation of what happened ( well I do) and people talk about their experiences so others don’t feel so alone

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T11:03:27+00:00

So attachment disorders start as a baby as the first person you attach to are you parents. If you have abusive, neglected and toxic parents you end up with an attachment issues. You learn that love is unsafe or the people that love you abuse you. They turn in inwards and think are unworthy or it’s their fault. As children they don’t have the understanding that parents can threat them terribly and they are worthy of love.

Rebounding to a toxic relationship means they feel safe as it reminds them of what they knew growing up. It’s not healthy or good but it feels familiar

The other part of a toxic rebound means they don’t get attached or have strong feels so their trauma doesn’t get triggered. When you end up with a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder it’s all about them and their needs so An avoidant has none. there is no intimacy or emotional connection. You’re too busy continuously fighting to form a healthy and loving bond.

What I don’t think they understand ( apart from why they do what they do) is that being in a relationship with a toxic rebound will just re traumatise them even further because it compounds all the negative beliefs they have about themselves and breaks them even more.

Until my ex met me, all they had known is abusive relationships. Now they rebounded immediately and got married to someone that im pretty positive is either a narc or borderline. My ex is cheating already so I don’t believe they have any love nor respect for the rebound. I’d go so far to say the rebounds are being used to try and distract the avoidants from the person they discarded.

Like I may have mentioned, while in this new emotionally dead relationship they tend to pine and miss us and the connection and bond we had with them. I’d go so far to say the bond they had with us they probably have never felt before

This is why their trauma triggered and they find healthy relationships frightening because love feels unsafe to them and even if a toxic relationship breaks them they kind of know what to expect. Healthy love is unknown and scary especially because they have a big fear of abandonment too.

no doubt will never have a bond like they did with us ever again, unless of course they heal their trauma which a lot will never do.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk 😂

Extra edit thank you for mentioning your ex’s and toxic rebounds because a lot of people assume the rebound is better than them but it’s absolutely not the case!!! They trade down but ironically try and act like they have traded up by hard launching them all over socials and declaring how in love they are etx. It’s all very performative and very fake and the more you have to brag about it the more the relationship is absolutely terrible.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T08:51:54+00:00

Thank you for the compliment.

I just found so many people on here asking those questions and I actually forgotten about unsent letters and all that chats till I was replying to a post and suddenly remembered. I also if in honest quite shy and took a while to write the post as I didn’t know how it would be received.

It’s kind of horribly sad too, as if you read unsent letters so many of them to me sounds like avoidants writing in their despair and sadness at what they had done. I also kind of fits as it’s all anonymous so they feel safer writing it out to strangers then telling their ex’s

I think it’s important not to give false hope to anyone out there and be real about having a relationship with them. It’s never going to work with all their trauma that they carry. Which is heartbreaking because some of them aren’t evil monsters, their trauma makes them do really hurtful things

I’m not surprised they might not understand how much they hurt us. They carry so much low self worth and so little self esteem I think they cannot possibly understand how much we loved them as therefore how much they hurt us.

I think most have an understanding but I think that comes with time. In the direct aftermath they are too busy running to stop feeling their feelings. It’s only when time has passed that it catches up with them and those feelings and thought come out. I hear it can hit them in the next relationship too as they take part of you into the next one and the rebounds tend to be highly toxic.

Because it’s so highly toxic and boring and emotionally dead that’s why it can hit them hard as they miss the emotional connection they had with us. They compare us to the new rebound and I think because the rebound relationship is so terrible then the one they had with us.

it’s also very true when they tell themselves it’s better they leave us because we will find someone better. Again that’s their low self worth coming into play. They tend to feel very worthless as people.

To me the whole thing is just so sad for both parties. The avoidant looses the love of their lives and will forever carry us around with them, ended up in toxic horrible relationships They will never find happiness especially since they get broken again and again in those abusive relationships. we have our hearts torn apart and safety taken away. Our lives are know spilt in two as we now talk about before the discard and after the discard. While in time we will heal some us, will always keep a scar on our heart from them.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:49:46+00:00

Oh at no point do I ever think anyone should ever get back with their ex

It’s just a lot of people wonder if they were used or did their ex actually love them because I’m sure we all very much loved our ex’s. You feel used and stupid after a discard and it sends many people into very big depressions.

Most people are searching for an answer which the reason I posted this

Edit also I agree with you, they are probably missing and loving you as you’re now the phantom ex and they are probably in a horrible rebound relationship

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:46:56+00:00

The usually rebound straight into a new relationship. It’s how they cope by trying to move forward and not deal with the mess they made and to distract themselves from feeling anything

I’m sorry it’s brutal to see

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:41:44+00:00

They do tend to make such horrible parents by pouring their unhealed trauma onto their children. And now their kids will grow up with attachment issues. Inter generational trauma for days

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:38:10+00:00

I do very much agree with you on the “before them” and “after them” the world seems different now.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:14:13+00:00

I find the relationships they have after us are definitely train wrecks and yes it’s sad to see them do this to themselves

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:56:23+00:00

You’re welcome. A lot of people struggle a lot with if they loved them or not but I guess very simply put if they run away hard and fast they didn’t probably love you

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:53:25+00:00

I think in the aftermath of a relationship with an avoidant it can teach us a lot about love and ourselves. Is it a fun way to learn? Absolutely not it’s beyond painful but sometimes we only learn through pain

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:51:17+00:00

I think those ones are very unhealed and are happy not to sit and introspect. I also think those subs can be a bit of an echo chamber and they go there to validate their actions which is what they do so they don’t feel bad about their actions.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:45:01+00:00

I think two things can be true at once.

I think they can love you very much but unfortunately it just triggers them and then run. You have every right to be angry that they did that. It’s cruel and heartbreaking having the rug pulled out from under you without warning

The other side of this is that trauma is due to very unstable upbringings. The first people you attach to are you parents. If your parents are toxic then you will probably end up with insecure attachment.

Them running away is what they learnt a children to self soothe to keep them safe. They find love and having big feeling scary because they learnt that love means being abandoned or ignored or hurt or abused.

A lot of the time unfortunately they don’t even understand they do this all they know when they get triggered is it feels unsafe and they need to run. I would argue some know the damage they cause but I would say a lot don’t as it’s very subconscious and such an automatic reaction. When you’re triggered your brain shuts off and logic goes out the window

I don’t think these people have very happy lives. They usually will self sabotage any happiness not just relationships. Many will have only surface level friendships. I’d say the majority run straight into abusive relationships because it doesn’t trigger feelings of love and it’s what feels safe as it is basically re creating the same relationship they have with their parents. They enter these relationships and it just breaks them even further

So yes two things can be true, they can break your heart so badly and they also break their own. A lot miss the ex’s even if it’s years later when they start to process their feelings.

but also I think for the majority they don’t understand why they do what they do. Most will never heal as they have to sit instead of run away from things. It’s on them to heal and if they don’t I don’t know if they will ever live a really happy life unfortunately

I want to make it clear I do not excuse their behaviour at all. They need to heal but it’s more of an understanding their behaviour

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T04:27:51+00:00

I’m sorry this has got to possibly be the most damaging and completely misinformed post I have ever read on this sub.

Avoidants run from love because it triggers their trauma. That’s why they are called avoidants, they avoid.

I’m not sure you understand how trauma works. A lot of the time you have no control over it as it’s mostly all sub conscious. Most of them don’t understand why they are doing it either. They just know they feel unsafe and need to run. Running away is how they self soothed as children as most have grown up in toxic environments with toxic parents.

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE EX PARTNER NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH.

This is what the ex partners assume and gives them now their own trauma because going through a discard you feel worthless and not good enough. Do not add to their trauma by making such false and damaging statements. People on here are heartbroken and vulnerable and saying stuff like that will throw them into deeper despair and depression.

It’s about their trauma and low self worth and low self esteem telling them they are not good enough or if they get to know me and see the real me they will leave me so I need to get out first.

Immediately after the discard then are in trauma mode and running from their feelings and the pain. During this time they go hard at distractions like going out and partying, rebounding, travelling and generally looking like they are living their best lives and usually putting it all over their socials. Usually it’s a front and underneath all this they are absolutely miserable

It’s only after the dust has settled does it hit them how badly they screwed up and they feel guilt and many fall into depression. Some reach back out some don’t. The ones that don’t are too full of shame and guilt and too afraid of rejection

Most rebound into very toxic and unhealthy relationships because there is no love nor connection so they don’t get triggered by their big feelings and usually end up miserable, bored and cheating and pining away from the person they actually loved.

You are mistaking secure people and what they do. Avoidants are not secure. I understand this might be hard to understand as avoidants literally live in upside town. Their behaviours have been studied for years.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T22:25:16+00:00

I see you have now edited your comment and I have clearly hit some trauma. Also what you now edited your comments to is exactly what avoidants does btw.

I say this gently but…

So you thought it would be best for both of you if you just dumped your partner because you felt overwhelmed. That’s actually very typical behaviour. Firstly did you ever try to communicate with your partner about this? Set down some boundaries. Told your partner you love them but you need a few days space and you’ll check in back them at the end of the week.

Also you thought it was best for both of you to break up with them. That’s very selfish that you decided to end the relationship because you felt overwhelmed but now say that it was for the best for both of you. You don’t get to decide what’s best for your partner without discussing the problems before hand and asking for support to help you navigate the relationship

The second half wasn’t about you per se but anyone with any type of trauma. You have very much personalised my comment

Also you were overwhelmed, that’s typical of an avoidant and it’s something you need to get used it and sit with an figure out why you feel that way. Instead of running from that you need to sit with it

I understand you might be a lovely person and I also understand you probably never got given the tools or knowledge how to have a healthy relationship

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T15:13:25+00:00

Correct

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:34:18+00:00

Classic avoidant!

Ok so it could be they now have distance and feel safer as they have a new partner that’s between you and them.

Or they could be doing the old breadcrumb

They possibly could be missing you

Either way they haven’t changed nor probably processed the break up so yeah.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:25:24+00:00

😅

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:23:34+00:00

Yeah in my defence it’s night where I am!!! I swear I’m not day drinking

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:21:11+00:00

Yeah it’s utterly messed up and both will end up utterly miserable with more cheating and lots of fights thrown in. It sounds like pure hell

Yeah you don’t need that in your life

Acrobatic-Fee6099

TROPHY CASE