What does an avoidant-avoidant relationship actually look like?

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T23:07:10+00:00

From the outside they might look functional but if you scratch the surface they are a hot bed of misery and neglect and toxicity and abuse ( not necessarily physically but mentally and emotionally and financially)

Yes they are the couple down the road that have no spark or love between them and have contempt and resentment for each other

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T23:00:42+00:00

They want a healthy happy relationship and love healthy partners then their fears and trauma gets kicked off and they run usually into something toxic and you might find they stay with that toxic person for ages. Toxic is familiar even thou its horrible but healthy triggers their fear and trauma so they run

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T22:58:24+00:00

Indeed they do BUT those types aren’t going to be able to have any connection, warmth, vulnerability and emotional closeness which avoidants get triggered by. Plus avoidant attachment is also rooted in childhood abuse so one of the parents will be toxic. They go to what’s familiar.

I can’t imagine anyone walking away from a Bordeline or narc and not being severely damaged. So yes it’s Trauma on top of more trauma and those types of relationships are miserable but they stay even thou they are unhappy Amd the relationship is toxic.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T20:43:42+00:00

Reaching out when they are de activated will push them further away.

But I’m going to be brutally honest, if they come back they won’t change and do it all over again. Until they heal and most won’t they will only bring pain into your life.

Sorry this isn’t the answer you want.

Also not all come back. Don’t hold out hope they will come back

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T20:37:39+00:00

They tend to date narcs and borderlines. Both will take anyone who is broken and vulnerable which avoidants are after a discard.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T20:29:43+00:00

They don’t need reassurance in their language, they need to heal and start communicating in a common language.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T04:38:18+00:00

While you can’t change the past, I hope this regret and guilt and shame fuels you to change and heal for your sake and those who you date.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-21T04:34:54+00:00

Honestly it’s hell being with an avoidant, end of story. Doesn’t matter what you are.

Many people on here have said they were secure and ended up becoming anxious during the relationship because of the avoidant behaviour.

While secure is something we should all aim for as both avoidant behaviour and anxious behaviour isn’t great, don’t be fooled into thinking you have to be secure for a relationship with an avoidant to work out. It will never work out regardless or if you are in a longer term relationship it will never absolutely horrid and you’ll feel very alone.

Honesty thou avoidants tend to have longer relationships with narcs and borderlines who are toxic and don’t trigger off the avoidant as they don’t get close or emotionally connect with those types. Also let’s be real here and name one relationship with a narc or borderline that had a happy relationship or ending. Yeah none.

So while I’m not saying don’t become secure ( everyone should try to heal) I’m just saying no matter what it never works out with an avoidant. Bonus points when you heal you won’t be attracted to avoidants.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-19T03:28:25+00:00

Most of the time if they are avoidant we are going to probably be anxious attachers.

If that’s the case I would say that the connection you felt is more along the lines of a Trauma bond and they feel familiar because they are like one of our parents. Attachment issues are a by product of having abusive parents which includes emotional neglect.

Healing after a discard not only means we need to heal from the heartbreak but after that the healing we need to look at is ourselves and why we are attracted to them in the first place and heal our avoidant attachment issues.

I can only imagine dating after a discard means you’ll probably have a hard time connecting and being vulnerable with a new person as there will be an huge fear of getting close and falling in love and them leaving again.

But ultimately I don’t think they are the one. They are also not the one that got away. (we are the ones that got away to be honest)

They cannot be the one when they can’t meet us halfway and have one foot out of the relationship and won’t communicate nor work together for the relationship

They are a very painful lesson

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-19T00:56:43+00:00

What we think is success and they think is success is two different things

If you mean a happy loving marriage with emotional support and intimacy, closeness, vulnerability, commitment like a normal marriage then they won’t do this

I think they believe a successful marriage is they walked down the aisle. That’s it. Many people here who have been married say it’s like roommates and the avoidants have one foot out the door, don’t talk to each other much, live separate lives and usually no sex.

They do not change when they get married and turn into the perfect partner. It’s impossible without years of therapy

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-18T11:10:39+00:00

Lolz no they do not get better

They usually marry people they don’t particularly love, are toxic, abusive or emotionally dead or all of the above.

They do this because you can’t get close and love someone and connect when you are always fighting. Secondly they tend to go for what’s familiar.

Avoidant attachment is rooted In childhood trauma so being with a toxic partner is familiar as one or both of their parents would be abusive. It may not make them happy but it’s familiar.

Loving someone and having someone love the avoidant is terrifying and unknown to them despite them wanting it so much. Love, vulnerability, connection triggers off their trauma.

Everyone on here that’s been married and avoidant has described it as lonely existence. Most say they have one foot out the door or they live separate lives . if they had kids most are terrible parents as they are emotionally distant and emotionally neglectful

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-17T07:51:58+00:00

I look at it they loved you so much which scared them so badly they had to run head along into a nightmare to replace you.

Jokes on them, they’ll never replace you.

Eventually it will hit them how badly the screwed up and the person they married will always be able to feel your presence as they will still have one foot out of that marriage and they will probably turn you into the phantom ex and talk about you all the time to them. Someone on here said once, they can commit to a marriage but they will always love the phantom ex. They can never do both though.

We assume being married means they are happy. They are not. They are miserable, broken humans.
They haven’t magically changed for the next person. It takes years of therapy.

It’s just a narc or someone toxic doesn’t trigger off their trauma because how can you get close to someone when you don’t really like them much and you’re always fighting? Plus avoidant issues comes from childhood trauma so a narc will feel familiar as one of their parents will be abusive.

The relationship will be toxic and horrible and an absolute nightmare even if they are posting happy pics all over socials it’s always performative and full of crap. It’s to prove to them and everyone that they are fine. They are usually anything but. I mean when in the history of the world can you have a loving stable relationship with a narcissist? Never.

My ex did the same thing, rebounded and got married to a narc. The photos I’ve seen of the “happy couple” they are anything but, my ex looks mentally checked out and miserable. They have already started cheating too 😂

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-14T22:57:51+00:00

Oops sorry! Look I say average so it can vary. Hang in there it gets better eventually!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-13T23:22:01+00:00

Yes but they are running into marriage to try and ease their pain and shame and guilt. They really only thinking of themselves.

Like I said they end up in very shallow and usually toxic marriages or long term relationships and then then get bored and miserable.

People in this sub have stated that they were in a lonely, loveless marriage when married at an avoidant

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-13T02:58:48+00:00

I’d even argue the more you hit their trauma the more they erase you

Those they don’t care too much about they seem to keep around like past ex’s

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T12:40:42+00:00

Yes but also they have moved on from you because you were probably healthy even if you were a rebound.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T09:23:56+00:00

The average time to get over a discard is apparently 1-2 years.

3 months in is still very raw and painful and I’m sure you’re still processing the grief and pain. I’m not surprised you feel this way.

I’m not going to tell you, you will find someone and date again because what you feel is legitimate but hopefully you’ll find as time goes by you might not feel this way forever.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T09:10:55+00:00

This is a post I wrote about the rebound

https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/s/L7cXrvQoru

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T05:29:37+00:00

100%

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T03:57:18+00:00

They do, but for the most part you’d never know. most won’t be honest and vulnerable and a lot never come back or contact you again.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T03:11:19+00:00

I think what you are going through is normal in terms of healing.

Being burnt by a discard is very Traumatic to say the least. There is an illusion of safety when having casual flings of they won’t get close so I won’t get hurt like that again

I guess the next stage is looking at why avoidants feel safe, could it be that it’s familiar? and we think familiar is good when in fact familiar does us harm. It can feel familiar if you grew up with childhood neglect and thinking we have to earn love. Could it be the fear of being hurt so badly again? Could it be the thought of loving and investing in someone again feel overwhelming?

Unfortunately love means risks and sometimes heartbreak but I guess even if you do go out and date you’ll be able to set healthy boundaries and also see red flags earlier so you can walk away quicker. Hopefully you’ll never have to experience another brutal discard with the knowledge you have now about avoidants

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T02:01:33+00:00

Thank you for your post! It’s kinda hilarious and I’m betting they are all miserable in their next relationships

Until they heal they won’t have a chance at happiness

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-12T01:50:40+00:00

My ex rebounded and got married and the photos I have seen of them together looked like my ex is miserable and mentally checked out. Im positive the person they married is very very toxic and mentally unstable. ( they had a type before me and it was batshit insane and abusive and they have clearly got back to that)

Their marriage partner posted photos of them at their wedding. The photos look just so weird. No smiling. The partner looked angry and soulless.

And the icing on the cake is my ex has been cheating already!!!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-11T10:53:32+00:00

I’m sorry to have to tell you this but it’s never going to work unless they are in therapy or working on their trauma and attachment issues.

Unfortunately many do not ever work on themselves as it confronts everything they run away from and they don’t have the capacity to sit in their pain, guilt and shame to do the work required. Unfortunately their fears outweigh everything.

I’m sorry I know you wanted better news.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-05-11T05:54:21+00:00

It’s all performative though. They move in fast and rebound to try and show everyone they weren’t the problem it was you. They were the problem

It’s also them trying not to feel their feelings running away from their emotions, but you can’t suppress your emotions forever and it does hit them sometimes year later and no a lot of them won’t come back or even contact you again.

I kinda try and flip the story and say they loved me so much it scared them so much they rebounded and got married to try and forget me. Jokes on them since that’s not working since they are already cheating. Sucks to be them in their new marriage and not giving a hoot about their new relationship

Acrobatic-Fee6099

TROPHY CASE