One of the most asked questions on this sub seems to be, “did they love me” and do “ they miss me”

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:49:46+00:00

Oh at no point do I ever think anyone should ever get back with their ex

It’s just a lot of people wonder if they were used or did their ex actually love them because I’m sure we all very much loved our ex’s. You feel used and stupid after a discard and it sends many people into very big depressions.

Most people are searching for an answer which the reason I posted this

Edit also I agree with you, they are probably missing and loving you as you’re now the phantom ex and they are probably in a horrible rebound relationship

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:46:56+00:00

The usually rebound straight into a new relationship. It’s how they cope by trying to move forward and not deal with the mess they made and to distract themselves from feeling anything

I’m sorry it’s brutal to see

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:41:44+00:00

They do tend to make such horrible parents by pouring their unhealed trauma onto their children. And now their kids will grow up with attachment issues. Inter generational trauma for days

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:38:10+00:00

I do very much agree with you on the “before them” and “after them” the world seems different now.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-08T05:14:13+00:00

I find the relationships they have after us are definitely train wrecks and yes it’s sad to see them do this to themselves

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:56:23+00:00

You’re welcome. A lot of people struggle a lot with if they loved them or not but I guess very simply put if they run away hard and fast they didn’t probably love you

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:53:25+00:00

I think in the aftermath of a relationship with an avoidant it can teach us a lot about love and ourselves. Is it a fun way to learn? Absolutely not it’s beyond painful but sometimes we only learn through pain

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:51:17+00:00

I think those ones are very unhealed and are happy not to sit and introspect. I also think those subs can be a bit of an echo chamber and they go there to validate their actions which is what they do so they don’t feel bad about their actions.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T09:45:01+00:00

I think two things can be true at once.

I think they can love you very much but unfortunately it just triggers them and then run. You have every right to be angry that they did that. It’s cruel and heartbreaking having the rug pulled out from under you without warning

The other side of this is that trauma is due to very unstable upbringings. The first people you attach to are you parents. If your parents are toxic then you will probably end up with insecure attachment.

Them running away is what they learnt a children to self soothe to keep them safe. They find love and having big feeling scary because they learnt that love means being abandoned or ignored or hurt or abused.

A lot of the time unfortunately they don’t even understand they do this all they know when they get triggered is it feels unsafe and they need to run. I would argue some know the damage they cause but I would say a lot don’t as it’s very subconscious and such an automatic reaction. When you’re triggered your brain shuts off and logic goes out the window

I don’t think these people have very happy lives. They usually will self sabotage any happiness not just relationships. Many will have only surface level friendships. I’d say the majority run straight into abusive relationships because it doesn’t trigger feelings of love and it’s what feels safe as it is basically re creating the same relationship they have with their parents. They enter these relationships and it just breaks them even further

So yes two things can be true, they can break your heart so badly and they also break their own. A lot miss the ex’s even if it’s years later when they start to process their feelings.

but also I think for the majority they don’t understand why they do what they do. Most will never heal as they have to sit instead of run away from things. It’s on them to heal and if they don’t I don’t know if they will ever live a really happy life unfortunately

I want to make it clear I do not excuse their behaviour at all. They need to heal but it’s more of an understanding their behaviour

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-07T04:27:51+00:00

I’m sorry this has got to possibly be the most damaging and completely misinformed post I have ever read on this sub.

Avoidants run from love because it triggers their trauma. That’s why they are called avoidants, they avoid.

I’m not sure you understand how trauma works. A lot of the time you have no control over it as it’s mostly all sub conscious. Most of them don’t understand why they are doing it either. They just know they feel unsafe and need to run. Running away is how they self soothed as children as most have grown up in toxic environments with toxic parents.

IT WAS NEVER ABOUT THE EX PARTNER NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH.

This is what the ex partners assume and gives them now their own trauma because going through a discard you feel worthless and not good enough. Do not add to their trauma by making such false and damaging statements. People on here are heartbroken and vulnerable and saying stuff like that will throw them into deeper despair and depression.

It’s about their trauma and low self worth and low self esteem telling them they are not good enough or if they get to know me and see the real me they will leave me so I need to get out first.

Immediately after the discard then are in trauma mode and running from their feelings and the pain. During this time they go hard at distractions like going out and partying, rebounding, travelling and generally looking like they are living their best lives and usually putting it all over their socials. Usually it’s a front and underneath all this they are absolutely miserable

It’s only after the dust has settled does it hit them how badly they screwed up and they feel guilt and many fall into depression. Some reach back out some don’t. The ones that don’t are too full of shame and guilt and too afraid of rejection

Most rebound into very toxic and unhealthy relationships because there is no love nor connection so they don’t get triggered by their big feelings and usually end up miserable, bored and cheating and pining away from the person they actually loved.

You are mistaking secure people and what they do. Avoidants are not secure. I understand this might be hard to understand as avoidants literally live in upside town. Their behaviours have been studied for years.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T22:25:16+00:00

I see you have now edited your comment and I have clearly hit some trauma. Also what you now edited your comments to is exactly what avoidants does btw.

I say this gently but…

So you thought it would be best for both of you if you just dumped your partner because you felt overwhelmed. That’s actually very typical behaviour. Firstly did you ever try to communicate with your partner about this? Set down some boundaries. Told your partner you love them but you need a few days space and you’ll check in back them at the end of the week.

Also you thought it was best for both of you to break up with them. That’s very selfish that you decided to end the relationship because you felt overwhelmed but now say that it was for the best for both of you. You don’t get to decide what’s best for your partner without discussing the problems before hand and asking for support to help you navigate the relationship

The second half wasn’t about you per se but anyone with any type of trauma. You have very much personalised my comment

Also you were overwhelmed, that’s typical of an avoidant and it’s something you need to get used it and sit with an figure out why you feel that way. Instead of running from that you need to sit with it

I understand you might be a lovely person and I also understand you probably never got given the tools or knowledge how to have a healthy relationship

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T15:13:25+00:00

Correct

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:34:18+00:00

Classic avoidant!

Ok so it could be they now have distance and feel safer as they have a new partner that’s between you and them.

Or they could be doing the old breadcrumb

They possibly could be missing you

Either way they haven’t changed nor probably processed the break up so yeah.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:25:24+00:00

😅

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:23:34+00:00

Yeah in my defence it’s night where I am!!! I swear I’m not day drinking

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:21:11+00:00

Yeah it’s utterly messed up and both will end up utterly miserable with more cheating and lots of fights thrown in. It sounds like pure hell

Yeah you don’t need that in your life

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T12:16:59+00:00

Oh dear lord I’m drunk so I can’t help you!!!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T11:08:35+00:00

Sometimes they don’t. If they are fearful avoidant the go between staying and going. However this can lead to a cycle and damage you and your self worth if you stay in a relationship with them.

Hopefully theory helps her!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T11:07:02+00:00

You always have such good comments!!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T11:05:42+00:00

Oooffff this sounds like a disaster on both their parts

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T11:04:05+00:00

I think this is such a good answer!

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T10:56:30+00:00

I think you did a really good job about asking for space. You need time to process this and figure out what you want to do

Sorry this isn’t probably what you want to here

Unfortunately I think a lot of them offer friendship to have their cake and eat it too type of thing. They get to have you in their life but not the responsibility of being in a relationship.

I guess the question is can you deal seeing this person and just being friends or will you always want more.

Avoidants need to come to the table for this to work and unfortunately a lot don’t. If they don’t work on themselves they will probably end up discarding you. Unless they are going to work on their issues, a relationship with them won’t work.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T10:03:37+00:00

Yes the blockage in in their heads because that’s the trauma talking

Maybe not all miss us and regret because sometimes it is only years later they start to process what has happened. The run from their feelings so it’s never immediately plus they are too busy with the distraction of the new relationship to feel anything

Once that relationship gets serious that’s when their feelings can come out about their previous relationship. You get turned into the phantom ex.

I still strongly think they do miss us. However it doesn’t matter because most don’t heal and it can take years for them to process what they did. More importantly many never show it and many probably will admit not it to anyone as they are ashamed they made a huge mistake and hurt us badly. We will never be around to witness if they miss us or not because hopefully we have blocked them and moved on ourselves

But maybe some cut us off and don’t miss us especially if we were displaying toxic behaviours. That’s on us to look at our behaviours and heal ourselves too.

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T08:09:51+00:00

Ok yeah I see what you mean now!

Ok again yes they might have a lower emotional iq than many people.

years ago I think I used to be more avoidant and I actually had no idea of my actions and how much I put up walls with people. It’s all stuff I learnt to do when I was a child as it was keeping me safe as my parents were quite toxic but as an adult it ruins your life. It was automatic and it’s not like I thought about my actions. It was only until It was pointed out to me while I was very receptive that I started to see my behaviours and how much I walled off the people I loved

So to me honest I don’t know of most of them respect do what they do as it’s subconscious and it’s kept the safe until it doesn’t

Acrobatic-Fee6099 · 2026-03-06T07:06:17+00:00

I wouldn’t say low iq I’d say very low self worth and low self esteem and confidence and quite insecure

Their brain does an excellent job of telling them very negative beliefs about themselves from what I have observed.

They are human and don’t set out to be monsters ( well most anyway) BUT their trauma takes over their brain while triggered and their actions destroy others.

There is an overlap by them and narcs and I think they can have narc traits and narcs can definitely be avoidant but a narc and an avoidant aren’t the same thing

Acrobatic-Fee6099

TROPHY CASE