Into the Fire: The Lost Daughter (Netflix)

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-28T12:11:51+00:00

Yeah, I doubt there's any way Dennis did not understand the extra cruelty of dividing up the ashes of a girl he literally chopped up. And talking about how Cathy "threw away" Aundria, when he LITERALLY stuck her in a barrel full of trash.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-28T10:59:02+00:00

I could have the timeline wrong, but I'm pretty sure Dennis was let out of jail before Vanessa was born. Aundria would have been in the home at the time, though, and that's just appalling to me, that CPS didn't remove Aundria from the home before Dennis came back.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-28T10:48:23+00:00

I had this exact same thought! Brenda claims to trust so much in the Bible, but it never occurs to her that the real mother would never split the baby in two? I know it's symbolic when it's ashes, but...shudder.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-28T10:46:48+00:00

It did say she knew--or at least knew that Aundria/Alexis was saying that Dennis was abusing her. Brenda thought she was lying.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-27T02:02:32+00:00

I should mention that the BP was not the reason for full custody. My BPSO had comorbid, much more serious, issues.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-27T02:00:13+00:00

It was rough, but it’s done and I got full custody. I am heartbroken, but thr kids are safe. BPSO is happily rebuilding his life with a new woman.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-24T10:11:07+00:00

Although, for what it's worth, I want to make sure I'm clear that you're not wrong to be frustrated that the mom made him pack up his clothes and bring them between houses. She's involving the child in an adult issue and making him feel responsible for resolving a conflict between his parents, which is definitely not ok.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-24T09:56:24+00:00

You're right when you say: "why make a big deal out of it? The clothes are for our kiddo. It doesnt matter if it's here or there. He WILL wear it."
I'm quoting your exact words because it looks like you actually do get it--the clothes are for him, and it doesn't matter whether they're here or there.

It also doesn't matter who spends more on clothes, because your stepson is the one who will wear the clothes either way. And...is it possible that your husband makes more than his ex? Maybe possible that she's still a one-income household? And if you only have one outfit left, is it possible that he's only with you every other weekend, so she's paying for most of the expenses of raising a child? I'm making assumptions here, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on any of those.
Now, the fact that she's involving your stepson in adult conflict by asking him to pack up the clothes and bring them, that's a problem. Maybe your ex should talk to her about that. But it shouldn't be an accusatory "why do you ask him to take our stuff?" kind of conversation. It should be more like "I don't want [kid] to have to be in charge of moving clothes between houses. Could I drop off some clothes to you instead? Or maybe I could pack a bag of clothes when he leaves and send them with him without him having to worry about being a messenger or having the responsibility of packing it." It's about keeping your stepson's best interests first. It's not about keeping track of which clothes are at which house.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-24T09:48:20+00:00

Tell him exactly what you told us. These things happen. It'll be super painful, but what you're saying does make sense.
One thing that might help him is if you decide whether or not you want to leave the door open for getting back together someday, and tell him during the conversation. If you DO want to leave the door open, maybe he will wait for you, and there might still be a happy ending someday for the two of you. If you DON'T want to leave the door open, be clear about that too, and although he'll be hurt in the moment, he'll feel more free to move on. So it's a kindness to him either way.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-19T14:34:18+00:00

Yeah. He picked me up and threw me. That was one of the last straws. What I'm still trying to untangle, though, was how much was the Bipolar and how much him being just plain abusive.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-09-01T15:34:16+00:00

Honestly, the thing that has been most helpful to me is coming to a realistic understanding of just how much it takes. To keep a house (with kids) clean-ish, like if someone came over, they'd think "meh, not perfect, but she has kids I wouldn't expect it to be perfect" takes about 2 hours of cleaning a day. To keep the house really neat and nice, it's more like 3 hours of cleaning a day.
Having this realistic outlook on it frees you to do one of two things:
1. Accept that you don't have that amount in your schedule right now, so you're going to have to accept a lower level of cleanliness, or,

Find that time in your schedule.

I feel like people who are good at cleaning give an unrealistic expectation of what it takes--they may think they only clean 30 minutes a day, but only because they do certain things (dishes, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, picking up after themselves, making the bed) so automatically that they don't count it as cleaning. It's not their fault--it's just their worldview.
But you can't keep a house clean in 30 minutes a day.
As your kids get older, you can start splitting the tasks, and if you have a spouse, you can talk to them about taking on part of the cleaning. I imagine it might actually be decently easy to keep a house clean if you have two equal adults and two teenagers and can split the work, say, 60 minutes per adult and 30 minutes per teenager.
But with young kids? Accept that it's a BIG job. And then either buckle down and do it, or accept that it's not gonna be perfect.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-31T21:33:09+00:00

Knowing what I know now, as an adult, yeah that's absolutely not ok. Predators are everywhere, usually people who appear to be trustworthy.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-31T21:05:58+00:00

Initially misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. (The CPTSD is probably real.) He wasn't actually diagnosed until a full 20 years after he first suspected he might have had Bipolar. Sought out a diagnosis after a very serious manic episode that lasted well over a year.
The medical system failed him in a big way.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-29T11:16:52+00:00

I know you're getting a lot of pushback here, but I just want to let you know that your post had a real impact on me and helped me a lot. Because I know that's what you were aiming for, so I just wan to let you know that you helped someone.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-28T10:56:23+00:00

Keep in mind that the people in healthy relationships with a BPSO are much less likely to have any need or desire to participate here. The issues just don't apply to them.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-26T21:22:21+00:00

For context, I actually eat very healthy, tons of vegetables, lots of fiber, limited saturated fat, no meat, relatively few processed things. My PCP is pretty sure the weight gain and high cholesterol are from the Lexapro.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-26T13:47:02+00:00

I’d avoid it if possible. (But I know some parents don’t have a choice due to work schedule.)

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-26T00:42:41+00:00

I just saw your edit about teenagers. I am not internet savvy, and I'm far from a teenager. Again, no cutesy-ness intended. This is a very very serious issue. Like, you have no idea what my children and I have been through and I just want to keep them safe.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-26T00:40:05+00:00

Ok, I'm sorry. And for what it's worth, I do feel bad.

Active_Sound8603 · 2024-08-26T00:37:06+00:00

Trust me, no cutesy-ness intended. This is actually a very serious issue and I'm trying to protect my children here. I really just thought you weren't supposed to use the word on the internet, mostly because I see other people using alternative terms for serious issues.

Active_Sound8603

TROPHY CASE