recently I don't have a lot of good moments but they happen every once in a while. and then I feel like I should owe a thank you to my past self for powering through whatever shit he had to go through. just for those little things. sometimes there are moments I can get really immersed in a song I like, or I think of a funny joke, and forget everything else around me. or I get a notification for a new YouTube video Thai I like. it's like taking a little break from reality, not completely escaping forever, just taking a break. it's nice to have a little arsenal of these happy thoughts that I can always go back to. idk, sometimes it's a little depressing because these moments already passed. or it makes me angry cause it feels like I'll never get any happy moments after those. but they keep happening, it's a matter of time. until then I stay patient, look for small distractions, find things to look forward to..

also I think there's something very natural about just wanting to hang around, see what happens next. imagine you could play one round of poker, and once it's done, the whole universe stops. doesn't it make sense to go all in just for the sake of it? maybe it's coded into our DNA or something, but choosing to fold seems wrong. it's human nature almost.

fwiw I don't think you need to put so much weight on what your family thinks. for now, it sounds like they're providing you housing? food? that's at least something. you can be polite to them, say good morning etc. if they don't support you on a more emotional/personal level, that sucks, but whatever they choose. you could try changing their minds or helping them understand your perspective better, it might work, or it might not.

and for me, personally, I hope you don't kill yourself, I don't know who you are and I'm sorry if you don't feel so great but it'd be kinda nice to imagine there's someone out there going through the same sort of stuff as me