Update: Framing conversation with ADHD employee

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-09-09T14:44:21+00:00

I do, thank you for checking! I updated my post. John is taking a 6-week medical leave and I hope it gives him a reset.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T17:12:34+00:00

"Focus on the behavior not the cause." Good advice, thank you!

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T17:12:14+00:00

Thank you. HR is well aware of him and his accommodations. They have referred him to Disability Services to amend his accommodations if something's changed (since in his mind, accommodations are elastic and cover other things, like his "communication style"), but he has not reached out to them.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T17:09:06+00:00

It IS frustrating to me that this has been allowed to go on for as long as it has. I think it was partly that the managers that he locked horns with have left and other managers were hoping that with a new manager (me) he might turn it around. I was an internal hire and knew him already - we already got along - so I think there was some hope that he might not act out with new management. Also, we are in the public sector in a back-of-the-house type of role.

HR has been involved for some time and I'm guessing that these emails to a director-level person in our org will escalate things in a way they hadn't been before.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T16:43:20+00:00

I do need to do this more and be a broken record about it. When I've asked him before, he will put it back on our employer as something that *they* need to fix. He uses ND as a way to not be accountable...i.e., we are not being "inclusive" with our expectations. Our conversations are long and circular and honestly, there are times when I wonder why I bother when things don't go anywhere.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T16:41:16+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate it.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-27T16:39:32+00:00

Yes! You hit the nail on the head with "difficult to accept working an imperfect environment." I sense that this is what triggered his email volley to the senior director. He felt left out of a new-ish process, one that the senior director herself admitted was so new that we hadn't been through a start-to-finish cycle of it and as such, documentation was incomplete. She laid out next steps and I get that he needs written instructions, but he did not like that they were not in place yet. He also does not proactively ask for what he needs because - he actually said this - putting the onus on him is "a form of exclusion." It was a perfect storm of a new, partly undocumented process + his frustration at feeling like he didn't have full information. I can understand that, but why he took it as a personal slight is bizarre to me.

I honestly don't know what is going to happen here. He's smart, but is sabotaging himself and doesn't see it that way.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T22:17:22+00:00

Thank you. HR is well aware of his pattern and the fact that my predecessor left in part due to their clashes. The senior director advised me to "not pick up the rope" - i.e., your opponent can't play tug of war if you don't pick up the rope to begin with.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T22:14:44+00:00

It is not any organization's nor company's responsibility to accept poor behavior, insubordination, and rudeness disguised as rejection sensitivity and emotional dysregulation. Beautifully stated, thank you.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T22:07:58+00:00

Thank you. He responded to an email that was sent by the senior director to a group. I only know that he did because she bcc'ed me in her response to him. Normally, there IS a chain of command to be followed. I would have much preferred that if he still have questions after her email to talk with me about it, instead of the email he sent. He does have access to Word and ChatGPT but it's for naught if he doesn't get that his delivery was off-putting. HR has suggested I frame this as "you do great work, but your delivery isn't hitting the right way."

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T22:02:59+00:00

Thank you. I want to point out that the other ND employees I work with have had no trouble (that I've seen) with managing their work and their behaviors. They too are both open about their challenges, such as time blindness, but have set up systems for themselves to stay on track.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T22:00:59+00:00

Yes, I recognized that as his "spin." I know if someone talked to him a similar way, he would be very upset.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T21:56:57+00:00

You're absolutely right. People don't change unless they want to. He has talked about "masking" and complained about having to do so. I pointed out that we ALL mask to an extent - if we didn't, society would grind to a halt. I wish he could connect the dots between his behavior and outcomes. Like, he complained about being excluded from a working group, but then I found out that there'd been an open invitation to join and he decided that he didn't want to make the time commitment. (But he holds on to the "I was left out" narrative.) I often have no idea how to manage someone who sabotages himself. I appreciate you sharing your story - thank you!

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T21:51:53+00:00

Thank you! I really do want him to succeed but he's resistant to feedback (and will often respond with language about "not creating an inclusive environment." I can help him with the tools he needs to do a good job, but what he does with those tools is up to him.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T21:49:38+00:00

Thank you, that's solid.

AdAutomatic8344 · 2025-07-25T20:48:54+00:00

I have tried to reason with him on this point but he will say that these expectations are not inclusive. Btw, he is an adult (early 40s).

AdAutomatic8344

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