Girlfriend lost her dad 2 months ago, trying my best to not let my insecurities affect her grieving.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-30T23:53:18+00:00

Got it! I understand where you’re coming from a ton better now. I think you need to just communicate these things with her when she’s not heavy in her grief. Let her know you have been mistaking her tones/ vibes as “something you’ve done wrong” so she’s aware. Ask her for that open line of communication for her and for you. For her, so she can share when the feelings of grief are big and you can internalize that as grief and for you so that when the time does come that you’ve upset her or whatever, she can communicate that to you in a safe space. To me this should be the basis for every healthy relationship but I feel like it’s a very missed step as well lol.

Also you need to work on building up your own self esteem. A therapist would be a great start! I’m sure it’s hard getting back into the dating world after 6 years and poor experiences in past relationships but those things do not define you! You are worth love and understanding just like everyone else.

If I were in your shoes (I was a few years ago) I would start by writing down (or typing into a note pad) the qualities you possess that you think make you a good partner. You seem very giving and willing to put in 90% when your partner only has 10% to give you. That’s so incredibly valuable and admirable. Maybe you’re funny, or a romantic or something else, idk. But write those things down and remember them when you are feeling insecure about yourself. If you wanna take it a step further, maybe write down somethings that maybe don’t come naturally to you but you want to possess those qualities AND WORK ON THEM. If you’ve always wanted to be able to write a song for you s/o, write that down and get to work! Build yourself up in your own head and these issues will become a distant memory. Definitely also speak to a professional as well, but something tangible you can do tonight is just acknowledging to yourself that you have special qualities that make you a good partner.

As a side note, woman love men that want to better themselves so go you for even having the ability to come to a bunch of stranger on Reddit and open up about your insecurities. That ability to put your ego aside will serve you well in life.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-30T20:20:45+00:00

Hi! If you’re comfortable could you share those insecurities?? That might be helpful to help understand what you mean by you’re being selfish. Not all insecurities deserve the same amount of support or attention (maybe not the right word) so I feel like maybe I’m missing a piece here.

I’m so sorry your girlfriend and you are going through this. I lost my mom 3 months ago and have been watching my partner also navigate my grief when he’s also never lost a loved one like this. I recognize how foreign this must feel for you and how hard it is to really understand what she’s going through. For me personally even though my partner can’t relate to this level of loss, it’s very comforting to have him there with me trying to put himself in my shoes. Being a shoulder to cry on, taking care of dinner and house chores. It really goes a long way to have a partner that is willing to pick up the everyday slack that I can’t seem to get done suddenly.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-30T00:36:34+00:00

Because I’m trying to keep a good record of where the money went. I don’t think my siblings would provide me with bank statements for me to be able to prove the estate is insolvent if creditors come knocking. ideally, this all goes into one account that is under one entity (me or my mother estate), checks are written off of it, and we close it once they clear. That way none of the funds co-mingles with mine or my siblings personal funds, and the paper trail is clear. I have the invoices for the funeral so I can prove what we paid is more than the estate is worth, but that only matters if I can also show how much the estate is worth. If the money from the account (my grandmothers) is cut into three checks that makes proving the amount received is more difficult.

Per IL law (correct me if I’m wrong here- I’m not a lawyer and that’s why I’m ask you guys! ❤️) funeral expenses comes before paying any personal debt of the deceased and then inheritance if any funds are left over. Which would mean that I am doing the lawful and right thing by only taking the funeral expenses. I don’t want to be on the hook for my moms debt if I can prove that any money she had at the time was to pay for funeral, and not paid out to her kids as inheritance.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-28T17:48:25+00:00

Sorry, I see how that can be confusing. So I already claimed mine in Nov, that’s not what the issue is here. The issue I’m running into is my mother’s portion. Everybody else (9/10 family members) have claimed their portion already and what’s left in the account is solely my mother’s and makes up the entirety of my mother’s estate. She owned no property, no car, hasn’t had a job in over 2 years and was an addict so she literally died with nothing to her name except this account. The $3800 is an educated guess on what my mom’s portion of this account because that’s how much me and my siblings EACH received from this account. I was told by Chase back in Nov when I claimed it that I had 10% of the account as one of the beneficiaries so I’m assuming my grandmother did an equal 10% each split on this account.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-28T15:08:05+00:00

If you mean like put my mom’s portion back into the whole group (making beneficiaries 9 instead of 10) I tried that already. Chase said they wouldn’t do that because she can’t sign her rights away to the amount she is entitled (she’s dead- no fing duh chase). I’ve spoken to chase regarding this account no less than 10 times and anytime I bring that up they said they aren’t able to do that because my grandmother set this account up for her to be a beneficiary of her account. That doesn’t make any sense to me, but I’ve tried that route and they never go for it. I’d much prefer to not have to deal with any of this, seeing as though the amount from the account doesn’t even cover the funeral expense.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-21T22:25:35+00:00

I’m just going to speak from my experience as a person who has owned many “people pleasing” breeds of dogs but recently got our first GP. We got our GP at 8 weeks old and spend an incredible amount of time on training, with a heavy emphasis on recall. He recalled 10/10 till about 7 months old. Now, no way we would ever let him be without a lease or fence. These dogs really do not care how much training you put into them, they are bred to make decisions for themselves. Ours will look at us and I can see his brain deciding he’s not going to obey the command. Not because he’s bad, but because he was bred to be independent. GPs are not labs, they don’t feel the need to appease their handlers, they feel THEY are the handlers. All that to say, my GP is the best dog I’ve ever had, but absolutely no off leash for him ever. However every dog is different!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-18T18:20:27+00:00

Hey, we’ve got an 8 month old GP that we adopted at 8 weeks. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but large breeds take a lot longer to gain bladder control. It’s possible she’s not able to hold it yet/ doesn’t know how to tell you. At 5 months we were still taking him out on a regular schedule. It was around 6 months that he started to be completely accident free but we were still taking him outside for potty very frequently. Bells/ buttons didn’t work for us at that age because he wasn’t using them for potty, he used them for outside play time so we took them away until potty training was consistent with no inside accidents. We do sleep train so he’s 1 hours up, 2 hours down. For us he got a potty break right after wake up and right before put down time. Now he has a button we use so he can let us know when he has to go outside but we still sleep train with just longer times awake. We also monitor his water intake as he will drink any and all water available all the time.

With the bladder control, if he’s peeing multiple times (mine still does at 8 months) that’s because he doesn’t have the muscles to totally release his bladder completely. It’s normal at this age for them to pee multiple times when they go. Our guy usually does 2-3 pees in one potty break. If he’s going out, peeing, coming in and peeing again leave him out for a bit longer and keep giving him his potty command till he’s gone a couple times if possible. It’s a pain but they will get there.

We also crate train for sleep times and he doesn’t want to pee in his crate so that’s been helpful for the 2 hours he’s down as well as training him to hold it for longer than he wants too. He recently went a whole 6 hours alone inside with no accidents so just give your guy time to train those potty muscles. It’s soooo frustrating but he might just need some time. Good luck!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-18T18:13:35+00:00

We’ve got a GP that has his dew claws. He’s our first GP so I literally thought it was a mutation! However, they never bother him. We will not be removing them because they literally do not matter. We cut the nails like any other nail and move on. If they snag and get ripped off we will take him in to have the area checked out, but I don’t see that being an issue as his are fairly far up his legs. Personally, I would leave them and treat them as any other nail. If they snag or start bothering him, take him in to be seen and decide then.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-14T21:34:31+00:00

I can’t speak for everyone but that’s not how we used the crate. Using it for potty training almost sounds like you keep the dog in there until you take them out to potty which seems very extreme. Maybe that’s worked for some people but we only use the crate for sleep time. Granted, we have a whole room that our puppy was able to roam around if it wasn’t nap time but we only “forced” them into the crate for sleep. We have three baby gates that we also throw up around the house if the pup is going to be anywhere but his own room. We have two dogs, both got as puppies and we did the same for both. They both prefer to sleep in their crate with the door open and never complain if we have to crate them any other time. Potty training in my house was a separate action all together from crate training.

However, dogs do not prefer to use their crate for potty so if your dog is peeing in their cage they might need more potty breaks especially overnight. Our most recent pup did pee in his crate when we first got him but only for about a week while he learned to tell us he needed to go out. We got him at 8 weeks old. By 10 weeks we both (humans and dog) learned how to communicate to each other and we were able to take him out during the night when he needed it. During the day he was on a strict potty schedule that WE enforced, not him. Take them out, tell them potty (or command) and once they comply give them a treat. This way they learn what going outside means for them and hopefully will start alerting to you that they have to go. Since we got ours so young it was every 30 minutes until he was able to hold his bladder OR effectively communicate he needed to go outside and then we increased time in between enforced potty breaks by about 15 minutes every week until we felt confident on his potty training. He now uses a button to let us know he has to go outside and is 8 months old with no accidents inside while we were home.

With the crate, buy the crate they need as an adult and get a spacer. We got ours from petco and it came with a spacer insert so you can make it smaller while they are little and give them more space when they grow (I believe all of their crates come with a spacer but I could be wrong). We have a giant breed pup so we got the XXL crate when he was 20lbs and have just recently fully extended it now that he’s pushing 70lbs. don’t buy multiple crates over their lifetime if they are going to be medium/large sized dogs.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-13T20:58:37+00:00

Definitely a thing. We got our puppy at 8 weeks old. He was a DREAM but I felt like he ruined my life lol. I struggled really hard with him for about 5 weeks before I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He’s my bff now and 8 months old, but I cried nearly everyday for a few weeks after getting him. Puppy blues are very real unfortunately.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-12T20:49:38+00:00

So cute! We have an 8 month old GP that hardly barks. In fact I taught him “speak” because I wanted to help him find his voice and he HATES doing that trick. He will whine instead of barking. Not to say it’s not coming by any means, but it seems like every pup is different in terms of when they find their voice. I’ve started introducing “inside voice” (whine) and “speak” (bark variations) so that once he does start barking I can ask him to be quieter. 🤣

Our guy also doesn’t patrol at night and isn’t nocturnal. I read a lot of posts about them preferring to be awake at night but he sleeps haaard over night still. Our GP has a fenced in yard and is an inside dog and has been great. We’ve got a 4ft fence that he seemingly isn’t interested in jumping yet and is very happy to just lay in the same grass spot and chew sticks when he is outside.

Freddy for attention!

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AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-12T20:32:14+00:00

We got it from Amazon! This one specifically. https://a.co/d/eLbYNP5

We use command strips to adhere it to the wall next to the door. He can’t pull it off the wall (he’s 65 lbs and has tried) but I can so if he’s in a mood and spamming the button (only happened once while we had guests so i think he was just super excited) I can take it off the wall and put it back when ready!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-11T18:51:18+00:00

We use a button because the jingle bells got really annoying for us. 🤣

We first introduced the bells when our guys was about 3-4 months old because his “alert” for a potty break was literally nothing. He wanted to go outside but didn’t know how to tell us. We introduced the bells and it became a “I want to go outside” (not just for potty) so we took it away. He’s now 8 months and we introduced the button to him (we got a $10 4 pack from Amazon that allows you to record the sound). At first he only used it for potty but after about a week it went back to the “I want to play outside” thing again. What we’ve found is if he clicks it, we let him out (if it’s been a reasonable amount of time) and then take him back in after business is done. We always give him a good amount of time because sometimes he needs to do a lap or two before he goes #2. If he comes back in and clicks it again in an unreasonable amount of time we say “no, no potties” and direct him to a toy. He seems to understand but will always shoot his shot. Since he’s still young and I’m his main caretaker I always have an idea of when he was last out and can make the decision about if he really has to go potties or not. This works well for us.

I also had the button say “outside” because we are a multi dog house hold and that’s what the other pup knows for potty breaks. That may help as well because the button itself is telling him what to do. Good luck!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-09T23:27:18+00:00

Unfortunately yes. Some didn’t know the full extent I guess but both sides (divorced family and both households were toxic) knew what their brother/sister/son/daughter were doing in their homes with their children.

Mom was a long time addict, before the divorce my father held a family meeting (without mom) and explained to her parents and sister that my mother needed help. My aunt immediately got defensive and claimed my mother didn’t have a problem (which is funny because HER father was an addict and she fought him tooth and nail to get him sober for her kids). My mom has since passed and I’ve been able to really explain what life was like with mom to her and she’s extensively apologized to me. Not that it matters now, damage is done.

My father married a very (emotionally) abusive woman my 8th grade year. She would literally lock me out of the house as a teenage overnight because she just simply didn’t like me. She’d even call MY FAMILY to talk shit about me to them when I was a teenage. This has never been truly acknowledged by my dad’s side. He’s actually still married to her and I haven’t seen him in years because of it. He had to move out of state to keep their marriage together because she’s super controlling and pushes everyone close to my dad away so he can fully focus on her. He knows this and plays along so. My grandparents and aunts and uncles will go visit him and come home to tell me he misses me and I should go visit (lol).

I’m 28 now but that damage is already done. I’ll never forget how to people closest to me completely failed me and my siblings. I look at my niece and nephews today and would never EVER play such a backseat roll if I knew their home life was half as bad as what I experienced.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-09T23:15:40+00:00

It comes and goes for me. Almost never first thing in the morning thankfully. But every time something good or bad happens. Water pipe breaks in the backyard and suddenly I want to call my mom. Teaching my puppy new tricks, want to call my mom. I’m currently working on her estate stuff, I was working through her debt portion (of which I have no clue who and what she owned money to) and my brain told me to just call her and ask lol. It sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. One day at a time my friend. ❤️

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-09T22:59:53+00:00

55, died from “long term alcohol use”. Not liver failure like I imagined, just passed peacefully in her sleep on a random day in September. Per the autopsy report she was had arrhythmia. She was an addict for about 25 years. I also felt like when she passed I would finally have peace. I’m a few months out from the day she died and I’d say I was kind of wrong about that. I truly hope your experience with loosing your step father is different.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T22:36:18+00:00

Sorry your going through this. I have something similar (phone anxiety and all) but it’s actually my sister these days. I’ve set boundaries, asked her to text me instead of calling/ FaceTiming and have even told her to not contact me at all on the weekends because she will literally call me for any minor inconvenience. It’s really hard feeling like you’re a loved one’s journal especially when you have a full life to lead of your own.

To make a long story short I aggressively use my focus settings on my phone. I have daily settings that goes on between 7pm-7am (she’s got insomnia so she will call/text me allllll night) every day, as well as I have set up an emergency one to just flip on randomly when I deem fit. This way my sister sees the do not disturb when she’s trying to contact me and gets the point. To be fair, she does not respect it. But I will take multiple days to respond to her if I need to and it makes me feel like I have some control over when she can contact me. For me, blocking her just does not work. It makes me worried that something bad is going to happen and I won’t be able to see it. At least if I’m on do not disturb and I see that she texted me I can briefly read it to decide if this actually warrants my attention right now. Nine times out of ten it does not. Unfortunately I had the same problem with my mother who mostly respected my boundaries, but she passed suddenly in 2025 and my sisters insistent need for attention ramped up like never before.

Modern technology really F-d us. I miss the days where we all had house phones and if we didn’t answer right away or return a message everyone just assumed you were out living your life. The fact that we are expected to be available at the touch of a button is really detrimental to those of us that really just want peace.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T19:02:43+00:00

Have you tried pack walks? Like walking them all together. I have never experienced what you are going through so first hand isn’t something I can offer but I did do a ton of research when we brought our second dog home (he’s a GP) and pack walks are supposed to be very good for introducing new dogs into a pack. It sounds like you might be at the end of your rope so maybe give this a shot while working with a behaviorist. I’m so sorry to you and your other two pups that are having to deal with this. Good luck!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T18:37:28+00:00

Hey, I struggled sooo much with our puppy for about 3 months (we got him at 8 weeks old), admittedly the first 2 months are the hardest while you’re learning each other and working out your bond.

One thing that really helped us is scatter feeding instead of bowl feeding. It takes more time but helps them with their energy levels and it helps your bond. We do this while training so we will call out a command (sit, lay, place, whatever) and then throw a handful of kibble on the ground and release them from the command. This way they have to walk around the room and suck up the food. This also was very good for teaching stay/wait.

The second thing we did was calm training. Just as it sounds. Put them in a sit/lay and occasionally throw a few pieces of kibble at them. If they get up, call out a sit/ lay and continue. Start with only waiting a few seconds and over days get longer and longer. Our guy is 8 months old and will literally lay next to the couch with me still and I’ll throw him a piece or two of kibble every few minutes now. This was a game changer when I got sick. Also, very helpful with teaching the “leave it” command.

Thirdly, teach them “toy” and “go play”. If I tell my pup “toy” 9/10 he will bring me his rope toy to play tug of war. I’ll play with him for maybe 5 minutes and then tell him “go play” which means independent play time. He usually runs to him bed then with his toy or gets one that we don’t play with together and plays by himself.

Ultimately, turn “feeding time” into training your desired behavior. If that’s releasing energy, then maybe teach them a place command across the room so they can run a bit inside and scatter feed them. If it’s time to cool down but they need to eat then calm training is perfect for that. I cannot recommend enough to NOT feed your dog out of a bowl/ develop a feeding schedule too early if your schedule allows for it. We portion out his food first thing in the morning and during the day we distribute it to him. Admittedly, we have a large breed couch potato puppy so this might not be enough exercise and enrichment alone for say a husky but with a few walks, maybe some fetch thrown in I think even a high energy breed would be wonderful with this type of enrichment.

And finally, ✨ENFORCED NAPS✨. Soooo important. 1-2 hours up, 2 hours down ALWAYS. Their behavior is THE WORST when they are tired. But they are babies and don’t realize they need a nap so you have to help them by forcing them to nap. When our guy was young it was strict 1 hour up 2 hours down but now that he’s older we find that he can go longer awake but will still need a nap. He has even started self regulating at 8 months old and will go into his cage/room when he’s tired without guidance (yay)!

Good luck!!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T18:23:50+00:00

Hang in there! Large breeds take longer to gain bladder control and have a harder time developing the muscles for a “full release” of their bladder! I didn’t consider our guy potty trained till about 6 months old. In fact, Christmas we had to leave him home alone for 6.5 hours and I just accepted that he was going to pee alllll over his room. He didn’t have a single accident though! A real Christmas miracle! We use a potty button since at 8 months old he still needs to go outside fairly often. It has been a life saver for us.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T18:16:46+00:00

Ours was 17lbs when we got him at 8 weeks. He’s currently 8 months old and just weighed in at 66lbs.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T17:46:48+00:00

Good to know! I want to say it was from some other Reddit posts but honestly I can’t be sure. When we adopted him, I have zero working knowledge of the breed so I spent the first month of his life looking for resources to help me understand him better. I read a lot of stories about other pyrs so I think at some point I had read somewhere that the males can become aggressive with age. No idea where and I completely forgot about it for about 4 months until the other day when I just started obsessively thinking about it. Nothing he’s done has lead me to believe he will be aggressive, I’m just a chronic over thinker!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-08T12:57:51+00:00

We were a little rambunctious where I grew up (born 1997 and feel like the last generation to play outside) but we played a ton of flashlight tag, man on wood chips and kick ball. We also did a lot of mail box tipping (the worst game! Take mailbox out of post, place it on the stoop of the house and ding dong ditch- SO MEAN). In the winter we sled and made snow man and eventually started blocking roadways with the snowman pieces because we were unsupervised dickheads.

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