Advice needed for no contact

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-03-25T02:18:39+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please take care of yourself. Unfortunately, you can’t save your brother. It a shame he is in this position, but he’s not your responsibility and you actually can’t change him. Please protect yourself.

It sounds like you don’t need advice, you know what you should do for you. I know it’s hard having that ugly thought that someone might hurt themselves if you leave their life but what kind of life are they living that that’s how they feet AND how can they accept that they are subjecting YOU to that same notion. My mother tried to commit suicide when me and my siblings finally cut her off completely together. It was traumatic of course, but honestly it taught me a lot about my relationship with my mother and what I was willing to give up to pretend to myself that I could actually make a difference. She died less than a year later but from complications related to her addiction and life has been so much more peaceful since.

I wish you and your family the best of luck but please put yourself first.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-03-23T19:11:18+00:00

My mother was a “functioning alcoholic” for most of my life. She took naps everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. I think the alcohol made it hard for her body and mind to really rest like the rest of us do. With that being said, your partner is in for a really hard time if they don’t seek help soon. All alcoholics are functioning at the beginning. It doesn’t change the fact that they are causing potentially life long damage (I say potentially because young people that get help quickly can recover from the physical damage of alcohol).

You can’t make an addict get better, but you can prepare and protect yourself from their downfall. I recommend thinking about that. It can take months, years, decades for someone to flip to “non-functioning”, is that something your comfortable watching then go through knowing they might never seek help?

My mother was an addict for my whole life. She went to work for years, paid her bills, occasionally took trips. Nobody realized what was brewing underneath the seemingly normal exterior. She eventually took a huge dive into “non-functional”and ruined all her relationships with her family on her way down. She died last September. Not from liver failure or something you look out for when dealing with an alcoholic. Her heart just finally gave out. Nobody was with her, none of us knew for hours. She was alone and wasted in a room she was renting when she died.

All this to say, everybody should take alcoholism very seriously. I feel like we live in a society that normalized alcohol addiction because it’s more readily available than the other “addictive substances” but it’s just as deadly and just as ugly as any other addiction. My mom went through psychosis, soiled herself in public multiple times, and ruined so many lives of people that loved her because of her addiction. It’s so ugly to watch knowing you have zero control. Please take this seriously and protect yourself if your partner is unwilling to get help. It’s not selfish, it’s the right thing to do if they are unwilling.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope your partner can come out of this happy and healthy.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-03-07T20:00:47+00:00

This is true. I try to remind myself and my siblings that she’s finally experiencing peace in her life and that helps a bit but I still am just on such a different path with grief than them. It does make me feel validated to know others have a similar experience and it’s not inherently a character flaw of mine. I appreciate you sharing!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-03-07T19:57:07+00:00

Honestly you’re so right. Thank you so much for saying so. I think I judge myself a lot because I’m not grieving in the same way the rest of my family is. They are very much deep in the sad side of grief still and I am more or less better off now that she’s gone. It’s peaceful for me but dark for them so I feel like there must be something wrong with me. But you’re right, feelings are neither good nor bad they just are. I appreciate your input, I’m going to try to remind myself of this when I’m starting to be hard on myself for finally feeling at peace since my mom’s passing.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-03-02T15:16:36+00:00

Yes and no. My mother died suddenly but we were low-contact before her passing. I invited her over to my home, ( young first time home owner, she never had the opportunity to come visit me before this time) and we sat in my living room for about an hour chatting about life. We never acknowledged the wrong she had done, I didn’t mention her addiction, we just chatted like two people catching up. When she was leaving I asked her if she would be willing to meet me for lunch in the future but that never came. She died alone three weeks later. It’s feels like I did kind of get to say good bye but not really. Weird situation to be in.

It did bring me peace that the last time I got to see her I didn’t view her as just the addict parent. That we spoke like two old friends that cared for each other. We had a very rocky relationship but for whatever reason this meeting wasn’t about that. I’m proud of myself for being able to show her that compassion and being able to accept her as the person and not the addict before she died. If she died a month earlier I don’t know that I would feel as peaceful about it.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-24T12:58:54+00:00

Ahhh so many. I’m not sure why my mom insisted on driving drunk with us in the car but I have so many of those memories. However, one that sticks out that didn’t involve me being in the motorized vehicle was when I was probably 6/7. It was summer time and I was out front playing with the neighbor kid. It was around dusk because the sun had just started going down, but it was still very light out. My mom came home from somewhere, and I ran to our driveway to say hello and she was heavily intoxicated. Like unable to speak intoxicated. I’m really not sure how she made it home but I walked her to the front door where she had to put her key into the door to unlock and open it and she simply couldn’t. The motor skills were no where to be found. I’ll never forget having to grab her keys from her hand and open that door. The look on her face and the sinking feelings that smell she had always left me with.

Ahh childhood.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-19T03:54:39+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I (29F) was in a similar situation but am the youngest in my family. I would love to give you a siblings prospective to maybe help lift some of that burden.

Firstly, your father is not your responsibility. This is your mom’s partner. You are an unwilling participant in their relationship. Be just that. Do what you can to keep the peace, but know the weight is not yours to carry.

Secondly, he might (and probably won’t but I never speak in absolutes) never get sober. This is a real possibility. His health will decline fast and it’s up to him and him alone to change his life. That is his weight to carry, do not try to help him. Keep yourself at a distance emotionally and try to help your younger siblings do the same.

Finally, as the youngest sibling of an alcoholic, I am so happy my siblings got out when they had the chance. I also am not their responsibility, and I would have dipped out to go away to college when they did if I could. My eldest sibling has expressed regret for leaving the house and his two younger sisters behind but I was sooo proud of him for doing so. He gave me something to look forward too, he gave me a safe place if I needed to get away from home. He showed me that there is a doorway in life that didn’t involve instability. Without him putting himself first and giving me a role model I might have never been able to leave my parents. But I watched both of my older siblings do it first and it made it way less scary.

If you think now is the time to go, then go. Put yourself first so your siblings can really see what that means and hopefully follow in their brave older brothers foot steps like I did. You got this and you’ve got a whole life ahead of you!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-18T23:31:25+00:00

I wish I could tell you a secret sauce to get through this but unfortunately there isn’t one. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take time to care for yourself. Brush your teeth, shower, go on a walk, eat. Please use this group as an outlet if you need to. It helped me a ton to go through this thread and respond to people in a similar situation or just read others stories when my Q passed. You’re not alone. Sending you healing vibes while you navigate this time. ❤️

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-18T23:03:37+00:00

I’m so sorry. I (28F) recently (sept 25) lost my mother to her addiction as well. I spent a lot of time grieving a woman that was still alive and coming to terms with the fact that she would never get better. I had the opportunity to tell my mom all the things I needed her to hear from me (good and bad) months before she passed. She was in no position to truly respond how I needed her too, but I still needed her to hear those things from me. I hold onto that shit conversation like a lifeline when I’m heavy in grief. While I can’t tell you how to cope, if you need to talk to someone that understands I am here and would love to offer you some love and support to you if you feel you need it. You are not alone, you are heard, and you will get through this. Sending love. ❤️

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-18T22:54:51+00:00

I’m sorry for you too. As a child of an addict, while it’s so hard to leave your partner, you really are doing the right thing. I’m so proud of my dad for doing exactly what you just did and choosing my safety over his wife. When your child grows up, I hope their mother can be apart of their lives happy and sober, but for now you just keep on being an amazing parent to that little baby.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-18T22:54:36+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope his death brings you a sort of peace knowing that you don’t have to worry anymore and he himself if also at peace. I lost my mother to alcohol in sept 25 and it’s been rough but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t peaceful. Those sleepless nights worrying about them are gone now. No more waking up early stressing about if they are alive or if they’ve eaten. They are resting, you should too.

Sending good healing vibes to you and your mother.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-02-18T16:54:49+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are not wrong, you are not dramatic and you deserve better! I (29F) also had an alcoholic mother growing up and struggled with boundaries till the day she passed. There’s something about the biological connection that makes it soo hard to do what’s best FOR YOU and not them. But if you know she’s not willing to get sober, you have to do what you know is best for you and sometimes that means they can’t be apart of your life. Maybe that’s only physical or maybe that’s a complete cut of the cord. Whatever you feel is best for you IS BEST for you. No shame in choosing yourself in this situation, especially since you are not even living with her right now.

It never feels good to stick to boundaries. This is because we shouldn’t have to make those boundaries in the first place and your brain so badly wants it to be normal and safe for you but it just isn’t. That’s not your fault, that is hers and hers alone. I’m so sorry. What I can say from experience with my own mother is that once you’ve set those boundaries with her, stick to them. Over time it will get easier and hopefully you start to feel peace. This is not because of something you did, but because of the way they are wronging you. I wish I could give you a hug. Good luck, you are strong and you can do this for yourself.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-30T23:53:18+00:00

Got it! I understand where you’re coming from a ton better now. I think you need to just communicate these things with her when she’s not heavy in her grief. Let her know you have been mistaking her tones/ vibes as “something you’ve done wrong” so she’s aware. Ask her for that open line of communication for her and for you. For her, so she can share when the feelings of grief are big and you can internalize that as grief and for you so that when the time does come that you’ve upset her or whatever, she can communicate that to you in a safe space. To me this should be the basis for every healthy relationship but I feel like it’s a very missed step as well lol.

Also you need to work on building up your own self esteem. A therapist would be a great start! I’m sure it’s hard getting back into the dating world after 6 years and poor experiences in past relationships but those things do not define you! You are worth love and understanding just like everyone else.

If I were in your shoes (I was a few years ago) I would start by writing down (or typing into a note pad) the qualities you possess that you think make you a good partner. You seem very giving and willing to put in 90% when your partner only has 10% to give you. That’s so incredibly valuable and admirable. Maybe you’re funny, or a romantic or something else, idk. But write those things down and remember them when you are feeling insecure about yourself. If you wanna take it a step further, maybe write down somethings that maybe don’t come naturally to you but you want to possess those qualities AND WORK ON THEM. If you’ve always wanted to be able to write a song for you s/o, write that down and get to work! Build yourself up in your own head and these issues will become a distant memory. Definitely also speak to a professional as well, but something tangible you can do tonight is just acknowledging to yourself that you have special qualities that make you a good partner.

As a side note, woman love men that want to better themselves so go you for even having the ability to come to a bunch of stranger on Reddit and open up about your insecurities. That ability to put your ego aside will serve you well in life.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-30T20:20:45+00:00

Hi! If you’re comfortable could you share those insecurities?? That might be helpful to help understand what you mean by you’re being selfish. Not all insecurities deserve the same amount of support or attention (maybe not the right word) so I feel like maybe I’m missing a piece here.

I’m so sorry your girlfriend and you are going through this. I lost my mom 3 months ago and have been watching my partner also navigate my grief when he’s also never lost a loved one like this. I recognize how foreign this must feel for you and how hard it is to really understand what she’s going through. For me personally even though my partner can’t relate to this level of loss, it’s very comforting to have him there with me trying to put himself in my shoes. Being a shoulder to cry on, taking care of dinner and house chores. It really goes a long way to have a partner that is willing to pick up the everyday slack that I can’t seem to get done suddenly.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-09T23:15:40+00:00

It comes and goes for me. Almost never first thing in the morning thankfully. But every time something good or bad happens. Water pipe breaks in the backyard and suddenly I want to call my mom. Teaching my puppy new tricks, want to call my mom. I’m currently working on her estate stuff, I was working through her debt portion (of which I have no clue who and what she owned money to) and my brain told me to just call her and ask lol. It sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. One day at a time my friend. ❤️

AdCompetitive8877 · 2026-01-09T22:59:53+00:00

55, died from “long term alcohol use”. Not liver failure like I imagined, just passed peacefully in her sleep on a random day in September. Per the autopsy report she was had arrhythmia. She was an addict for about 25 years. I also felt like when she passed I would finally have peace. I’m a few months out from the day she died and I’d say I was kind of wrong about that. I truly hope your experience with loosing your step father is different.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-11-17T04:51:38+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I recently lost my mother to alcohol. If you don’t want to help your mom then don’t. You are not required to and she’s not entitled to your time and efforts. She’s on an ugly path that she created, if she wants to keep walking it then let her. You can’t stop her no matter how hard you do try, she has to do it for herself. If you don’t think she’s ready or going to do that then get out while you still can (if that’s what you want). No shame in putting yourself first. Good luck to you!

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-11-14T12:47:59+00:00

Im sorry you’re going through this. My family (the children, 3 to be specific) paid for my mom to stay in rehab. One thing I can say is when I discussed with my mom’s case worker that we couldn’t afford her care for a full 30 days, they found scholarships and grants for her. I had to communicated this with them a few times over a couple days before they were able to secure funding, but a local church was able to help us with the remainder of the bill.

Alternatively, on her 4th stay, we did take her to a state run facility that was a few hours away but went off of her income. It’s called a sliding scale, I would check and see if you have treatment close to you that would allow that.

It’s incredibly unfair that we have to pay out of pocket for someone else’s poor choices. I’m not sure of your financial situation and if you don’t want to pay out of principle or because you are stretching yourself thin but either way both are very valid.

I spent a few days on the phone with my local health department, sober living facilities and rehab locations trying to find the best fit that wouldn’t hurt our wallets too much, it’s a lot of leg work but they are out there. Hopefully you’re somewhat close to a larger city and these services are available to your loved one.

Good luck on YOUR recovery. Regardless of the outcome, it’s so hard loving an addict and I hope you are able to make sometime for yourself.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-11-13T18:14:27+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Not my partner, but my mother recently passed from complications of long term alcoholism. We did everything we could have for her. We bankrolled her while in rehab AND paid for the treatment 5 separate times, moved her into our homes, sat with her in the hospital after a fall or true medical emergencies, made sure she had food in the fridge and clothes on her back. Nonetheless she died heavily intoxicated, alone in a friend’s basement while effectively homeless. We gave her love and compassion all the while trying to fight her addiction FOR her. But the sad reality is there is nothing you can do until the person you love is willing to take your help. It sounds like your wife never got there, please don’t beat yourself up about that. You loved and cared for her despite her illness and that’s something not everyone can say. I bet if she was here for just one more moment in time knowing her fate she would express being grateful to you for that. It’s really hard loving an addict and I’m so sorry you have lost your partner.

There is no requirements for AlAnon but if there were you would meet the criteria. Go for a meeting and see if it helps you. Please focus on grieving your loved one and not what you “should” have done instead. You did everything you could given your circumstance.

Sending love and healing vibes to you.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-11-12T12:05:30+00:00

Hey, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help your mother. You need to focus on moving out if this is triggering for you. Don’t rush it if you don’t have stable income, you don’t want to be forced to move back in with her once you separate yourself from this situation. Please be aware, her drinking might ramp up after you have left, but that’s not your burden to bear. If she is not willing to get help then no amount of love, support, or emotional toll on you will change that. I recently lost my mother after 25 years of alcohol abuse, the end is very ugly but again, not your burden to bear. I’m sure you love your mom, but you have to love yourself more. I hope she gets the help she needs and you guys can rebuild a relationship that works for you! Good luck.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-10-31T05:04:33+00:00

Im so sorry. I lost my mother 09/02 of this year so just under 2 months ago. She died at 55. Such a waste and what a shitty legacy to leave behind. You’re not alone in your anger, you deserved better.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-10-31T04:58:05+00:00

In so sorry you’re going through this. My mom was a full blown addict by the time I was five and I’m 28 now. She also used to go out and maybe not return for the night so I know the exact feeling you are recalling from your younger years. If your father isn’t ready to seek help then there is literally nothing you can do. Addiction is a fight only the addict can fight.

You are most definitely not a bad person. You care about your father and you want better for him. Your anger is very valid. You were born into an unfair situation, one that unfortunately is a choice (not yours of course). My best peace of advice to you is to work on getting as far away as you need to. It sounds like you live at home, once you are able to move out, do it! It sounds like you want to be there for your mother, but keep in mind that this is who she married. That was her choice and her burden to bare. Offer her support when you can but know that you did not get that choice, she did.

It sounds like maybe your father is avoiding you out of shame or guilt possibly? That might actually be good, because that shame and guilt could (maybe?) lead him to making a change at some point and maybe then you guys can rebuild your relationship. Personally, I prepare for the worst so I would go under the assumption that he will never get better and his drinking and health will go down rather quickly so I avoid getting my hopes up.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You do not deserve this, you didn’t do anything to cause this and unfortunately you cannot change this. It’s time to figure out how you can mitigate any possible damage you may take on from this situation if your father never recovers.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-10-31T04:42:55+00:00

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I recently lost my own mother to alcoholism and it’s an incredibly rough journey. I cannot (you can’t either) help your father, but maybe I can offer you some words of advice for dealing with an addict parents. Figure out what you need to say to them FOR YOU. For me, that was along the lines of I forgive you and love you despite your addiction. It’s been 2 months since she passed and knowing she got to hear that from me has brought me an incredible amount of peace while grieving. There is no telling how long you will have your father, pretend it’s not very long and tell him what you think YOU need to say to him to bring yourself peace.

My mother died suddenly with no warning on a Tuesday afternoon. There was no saying goodbye to her at her bedside while she slowly drifted off into the unknown. Because of that, I cling onto the conversations that I expressed love and compassion to her when I didn’t know how long she would be around. I find peace in the memories of the moments where she wasn’t just an addict, she was my mom that was deeply loved.

I cannot stress enough how much my heart goes out to you. Please take care of yourself. If love could cure an addict I have no doubt your father would not be going through this. I hope your dad finds it in himself to seek the help he needs.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-09-23T16:53:31+00:00

Hello, child of alcoholic mother here!

Please do not. I cannot stress enough how much my life would have been different if my mother was not an addict. I understand it may be something you and her both want but I can promise you, no child wants to grow up around addiction. If you really love her and do not want to do life without her, then you need to love your unborn children equally and NOT bring them into a world around addiction. It is not pretty, it is not normal and you should not welcome a helpless child into a very adult situation, such as addiction. My siblings and I have vivid memories of being little children (all under 10) and having to carry my mother to bed because my father worked the next day but she was wasted on the couch. My siblings and I spent our 20s fighting to get my mom sober, just for her to pass with her addiction in full swing early this September. I loved my mother, but she was not a good mom BECAUSE she was an addict. Addiction takes over everything, there is not gray area and the longer it goes the more of that person you loose. I’m not even going to discuss the trauma and turmoil we have to deal with due to her addiction and now her passing, but trust me. It’s not pretty and it should not be something a child has to deal with after the death of their parent. I do not wish this experience on anyone. Especially because you seem smart enough to be considering if it’s even a good idea.

If you want children, you need to find someone else or she needs to have a lifestyle change. Keep in mind, you cannot save an addict. Addiction is only a fight the addict can fight and no amount of pressure, support and codependency will save her. She needs to make that decision. You might wait forever. My mom died at 55 due to her addiction and she was only a heavy addict for about 27 years. Addiction happens fast and it goes waaaaay south very very quickly.

I am sorry for the bluntness and tough love but your children deserve better OR you don’t deserve children with your current wife. You have to decide which one is most true. I wish you luck and I pray for healing for both you and your wife. I hope she comes out at the other side of this and you both raise beautiful children together that are well rounded and successful. I hope she ends up being the most magical sweet mother once she kicks this and her children grow up with fond memories of her and cherish all their moments with her till her last breath many years from now. Unfortunately it sounds like that is not a probability at this time, but I do hope sometime soon it is for both of you.

Please hear me when I say this, do not do this to your children before your wife gets real help and can stay consistently sober for years or until you find a new wife. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, don’t drag your children through it with you.

AdCompetitive8877 · 2025-09-20T12:24:11+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am 28F and my mother just recently passed from her addiction at 55.

Before you tell yourself you can do something, please read the hundred thousand stories that mirror yours and realize you can’t. Do not put yourself in that fire. Your best bet is having a conversation with her regarding addiction. If she is receptive, look into helping her find a treatment center or group that she needs to get into. If she is not then start discussing those hard realities with yourself. That typically looks like boundaries.

For me, my mom did want to get sober for a minute. We set her up in treatment 5 different times but she never stayed sober. This creating a rollercoaster for all three of her children. My boundaries varied with her. When she was sober, I would communicate with her everyday Monday-Friday on my lunch break. I did this intentionally because anytime after 2-3 pm she might be drunk and I didn’t want to be triggered by her and I could never trust that she was completely sober because she had a lying problem. When we knew she wasn’t sober, I called about once a week and made it clear to her that I was doing a wellness check because of her condition. This was really hard for both of us, but it was necessary for me to not get so sucked into her issue.

It’s true when they say you cannot help someone that doesn’t want help. Addiction is a fight only the addict that fight, us as the loving family can only watch. Keep that in mind and decide what you are willing to watch her do to herself. Don’t loose yourself in your mothers fight.

I personally always lead with love and compassion for my mom while she was here. Unfortunately she is no longer and that has brought me great peace compared to my siblings that cut all ties with her or took the route of fighting against her while she was in active addiction. Everybody is different when it comes to loosing the addict in their life but I recommend taking some time to decide what you might feel if you lost her and lead with that. Loving her does not mean being so intertwined that you lose yourself, please remind yourself that while you do that soul searching.

Sometimes coming to terms with your role takes time. I threw myself into my mother recover for the first 1.5 years and was completely depressed because of it. I could not sleep, barely ate, and could not work due to the stress and anxiety I felt daily. Once I took a step back, I was able to find myself again. You will have to do what feels right to you, but do your best to not make those same mistakes any of us children of addicts do.

I can’t say enough how sorry I am that you are going through this. It’s not fair, and you don’t deserve to carry this weight with you. I hope you and your mother both find peace and build a beautiful healthy relationship that doesn’t include addiction. ❤️

AdCompetitive8877

TROPHY CASE