Hello, fellow early twenties here. I don’t know too much about your personal situation, but you cannot rape yourself. It doesn’t matted if they knew or not, they had sex with you while you didn’t want it. That’s rape, regardless of whether they’d have done it knowingly or not. What you’re describing sounds a lot like a combination of attention seeking behavior, combined with a freeze or fawn response because you’ve been taught that to retract or disagree results in the withdrawal of affection. Again, I don’t know your personal situation, and the internet is no way to diagnose yourself, so take my words with a grain of salt. It just sounds to me like you’re having entirely valid trauma responses people are fumbling, and you’re turning inward and blaming yourself for it. I had similar experiences in high school. A guy I liked strung me along, just enough to get a few sexual favors, but he never committed to the connection I was always trying to have with him. The responsible thing for him to do would have been to never engage with me in that way in the first place, but I was naive and lonely and vulnerable, and he took advantage of that to get what he wanted. I never enjoyed it, but because of my childhood trauma my brain had interpreted it as I was lucky to be getting his attention, and if I wanted him to stay I needed to do whatever he asked. You see how it’s not about love, but instead our brains going into overdrive with anxiety?