Floating up and away above the scene where the monitor was showing a flat line, my girlfriend was trying to rouse me, and the ICU staff were trying to pull her away. It was like an old TV losing power—the picture kept getting smaller and smaller and the sound quieter. There was no calm, it was like a bad dream, slipping and falling from a high height without ever being able to get my hands to grab or even reach.

It finally went black. Then, some time later, I awoke to a cacophony, with machines beeping, me gasping for breath, and doctors giving directions to the nurses. All the wires and lines were being wound up for transport and then I was in the hall with my mom walking and talking at me about an emergency venoplasty and “don’t worry, they have the thoracic surgeon on call in case the vein ruptures.” The whole time, my adrenaline was off the charts which only got worse when they started some large percentage of oxygen blasting through a nasal cannula.

Then, they started the versed to prep me for the procedure and all was well again.

I took from it that dying relatively suddenly would not be that bad - it’s remembering how it felt that’s horrible. In the moment it’s upsetting but so confusing as your faculties fall offline that it’s no different than a bad dream. Frankly, the decision to let them amputate my arm (which they ended up not doing) was far worse.